Emergence
by selflessandbrave
Summary: "I think fear is the most cancerous and incapacitating emotion there is. It eats away at the good inside of us, cripples us from our dreams. But then you find the clarity of hope. I choose hope over fear." / The war is over, and Tris and Tobias try desperately to find happiness in a world where new fears and challenges threaten them. Can they create a life, or will they break?
1. Chapter 1

**Emergence - The process of coming into view after being concealed; the process of coming into being, or of becoming important or prominent.**

**(Tobias)**

The ride back to the compound is slow and dark. I watch the moon disappear and reappear behind the clouds as we bump over the ground. When we reach the outer limits of the city, it begins to snow again, large, light flakes that swirl in front of the headlights. I wonder if Tris is watching it sweep across the pavement and gather in piles by the airplanes. I wonder if she is living in a better world than the one I left, among people who no longer remember what it is to have pure genes…

…I have always hated the emptiness that winter brings, the blank landscape and the stark difference between sky and ground, the way it transforms trees into skeletons and the city into a wasteland. Maybe this winter I can be persuaded otherwise.

We drive past the fences and stop by the front doors, which are no longer manned by guards. We get out, and Zeke seizes his mother's hand to steady her as she shuffles through the snow. As we walk into the compound, I know for a fact that Caleb succeeded, because there is no one in sight. That can only mean that they have been reset, their memories forever altered.

"Where is everyone?" Amar says.

We walk through the abandoned security checkpoint without stopping. On the other side, I see Cara. The side of her face is badly bruised, and there's a bandage on her head, but that's not what concerns me. What concerns me is the troubled look on her face.

"Where's Tris?" I ask. My universe holds its breath.

"Tobias…" I hear Tris's still, small voice, laced with an edge of uncertainty and concern.

I see her then, walking through a gap in the wall, the size of a truck. One of the effects of the explosion that killed Uriah. My stomach twists.

Tris steps in from the flurry of snow outside. Her eyes are wide with joy, and something else; worry. And they're dancing with a fire that encompasses her pride over our success. An odd combination, but then, so is she.

"Tris," I say. There's nothing else to say. All of the emotion, the anxiety since I last saw her, the disbelief that we could actually accomplish this, disband the people who lied to us and used us as a piece in an experiment—all of it is expressed in a single word. Her name.

My feet move faster than my mind, carrying me towards her. I wrap my arms around her and relief washes over me. She is small, and pale, and despite having been in the frigid air just moments ago, she is warm.

I stop to look at her face, her eyes still alive with their fire, her hair sprinkled with snowflakes. And then I kiss her, gently, and she kisses me back determinedly.

As so often happens with us, we kiss for longer than we should, considering the circumstances and the fact that we're far from alone.

And as usual, I don't care.


	2. Chapter 2

**(Tris)**

We are sitting on the floor in the lobby of the compound. No one wanted to go to our former room, to walk down these halls that are not empty but might as well be. They might as well be, because the people who now roam them are shells of the people they were just hours ago. Memories gone. Blind, unknowing people. All because of a few buttons that I pushed - because I released a serum that wiped away their lives. I can't see those faces again, can't look into their wide, confused eyes. Empty. The more I think about it, the more I fear that I will become just as empty as them. So I try not to think about it.

I shut my eyes. Tobias's arms have not left me since the moment we kissed.

Someone sighs, and I open my eyes into Christina's.

"Tris. What happened?" She asks quietly.

I look at their faces. We are seated in a circle that no one called to order—an arrangement that created itself. We have yet to speak until now. I clear my throat slightly and stop as my eyes rest on Tobias. He is staring back at me, his gaze intent.

He nods his head in encouragement. I almost smile.

"Before Caleb and I got to the Weapons Lab, there were guards," I begin shakily. "Matthew distracted them. But a few of them chased us anyway and I… I made Caleb stop. I acted like he was my hostage. And I shot the guards. I forced him to let me go through the death serum," I swallow, and I force myself to look at Tobias. I regret it.

His eyes are afire with alarm, anger, fear, shock. Too many emotions. I have to look away before I can speak again. I look at my hands instead.

"I couldn't let him die. _I couldn't. _He's my brother, and even though he did awful things and betrayed me, I couldn't let him die. I just couldn't. Okay?" Quiet, and steadier than I was expecting.

It feels like a very long time before Tobias starts to speak.

"Tris," he lets out a deep breath. "You could have been killed."

I open my mouth, but he holds up a finger to silence me before continuing.

"You could have been _killed. _That would have been like killing me. You are one of the only good things I've ever had, and you could have been lost to the world forever. To hell with the world; you could have been lost to _me _forever. I would never be able to move on from that. You could have been killed, and he wasn't worth that. He wasn't worth you risking your life," His jaw is set in a hard line. "You are though. You are brave, and kind, and honest, and deadly smart. And you are selfless. So I guess I couldn't have expected anything different from you."

"I'm sorry," I whisper, my hands shaking, my voice shaking, my control shaking.

He just pulls me to his chest, but I have a feeling that this conversation isn't over.

I blink slowly and let my eyes stay shut. My tears spill onto his shirt.

"But Tris…" Christina speaks, confused. I look at her. "How did you survive the death serum?"

I'm about to answer, but then Cara's voice sounds, filled with anxiety and fear.

"And… where's Caleb?"


	3. Chapter 3

**(Tris)**

Cara's words hang there for a moment, suspended in space. I wish I had an answer.

"I don't know," I say so softly that I doubt anyone heard me. I pull my hand from Tobias's grasp to wipe my tears.

"Tris, what happened after you left him?" Tobias asks, taking my hand again.

I pause for a moment to collect my thoughts.

"When I got to the Weapons Lab, I blew up the vault and the death serum was released," I pause again. What happened after that? "It was released, and I knew I could survive it. I knew I had to, for you and Caleb, and to honor my parents. They died for me, and I couldn't let that be in vain. And I… I don't know. I just did. I found the memory serum and set it off," I tell them. "I couldn't find Caleb after that."

A few of them nod slowly. The rest just stare at me. It is Tobias that finally starts to talk about what happened in the city, much to my relief. I don't want to talk about Caleb or serums that I used to erase lives anymore.

A treaty was made with the Allegiant, and Tobias and Evelyn came to an agreement. They are going to try to mend their relationship. There is a pang in my stomach when he says those words.

I'm happy. I am. I love Tobias, and he looks overjoyed with his news. His happiness is contagious. But I can't help but think about this woman who abandoned him, who left him in an abusive home when he was a little boy. The same woman who let him believe that she was dead, because it was easier than letting him know that she didn't care enough to take him with her. The thought makes me sick, and the idea that she thinks she's worth Tobias makes me sick too.

Regardless, nothing will happen between them for 2 years. I'm not sure if I think this is good or bad.

After a while, Zeke and his mother go to be with Uriah. There are doctors with him. Their medical knowledge was not erased.

Maybe I would go with them, to say goodbye, and maybe I would start letting the sobs I've been keeping in rack through my body. But I am too exhausted for either. So I fall asleep instead, Tobias's arms wrapped around me.

Now more than ever, he smells like safety.


	4. Chapter 4

When I wake up, I am still on the cold floor of the compound. Tobias's jacket is under my head.

Everyone else seems to be awake. I see Christina, Matthew, Zeke, Hana, Shauna, Amar, George, and Cara milling around the room. There's a smell wafting through the room—pancakes. I'm suddenly very aware of how hungry I am.

I briefly wonder where Tobias is as a chilly gust of wind blows through the shattered windows. I sit up, wrapping his jacket around my shoulders. My wondering doesn't last long.

"Good morning," Tobias sits next to me and kisses my cheek, throwing a blanket over my legs. I recognize it as the one I slept with in our room just last week. It's soft. He must have gone back to retrieve it.

"Good morning," I reply with a small smile, inspecting him. All things considered, he looks… happy. His eyes are bright, his posture portraying his mood. He gives new meaning to 'rise and shine'.

"Holding up okay?" he brushes a strand of hair out of my face.

"Yeah, I think so. I'm going to—" my breath catches in my throat and my words are trapped in my mouth when Zeke turns in our direction and I see tears streaking down his face. My hand flies to my mouth.

"Did they do it yet? Oh my God… Oh my God, Tobias, I have to say goodbye. I haven't said goodbye yet!" I throw the blanket to the side, jumping up with a desperate kind of speed. I run towards Uriah's room.

"Tris! Wait!" Tobias shouts. I know he's running after me, but I can't hear the pounding of his feet over the pounding of my heart.

_Please. Please don't be dead._

My feet carry me to his door, and I burst through it, every muscle tensed.

The machines are beeping. Beeping with his life.

I sink to my knees.

Tobias crashes in an instant later, coming to a sudden stop. And then he slowly slides down next to me, on the floor near Uriah's bedside. He pulls me against him, and I barely feel it.

I'm begging every power in the world that this isn't happening, but I know exactly what this is. The truth has finally settled in. Uriah is gone. And soon, he will be gone for good.

I am confused and emotional and haven't slept much in a week, so it feels like we sit there for a long time. It's no longer than a few minutes.

After that time, Tobias and I are still quiet and unmoving. My mouth is dry, my tears are streaming steadily. The rhythmic beating of the machines that are keeping him alive are never-faltering.

A doctor walks in suddenly, everyone else following behind him. I start shaking. I know what comes next. The tears. The twisting in my stomach. A few people walk to the other side of the bed and whisper things I don't care to pay attention to. And then the room grows quiet. And everyone is asked to leave.

Tobias stands slowly, carrying me up as the strangled sobs finally escape my lips. I grip Uriah's hand and it slips from my grasp as he pulls me away, through the door, down the halls.

Some time after that, it just happens.


	5. Chapter 5

**(Tobias)**

She cries. This isn't just about Uriah. It's everything - everything that's happened in the last few months.

Her cries are the ones of a person who has kept their tears in for too long.

I don't know how long it goes on. But this is Tris. Her sobs subside to silence soon enough.

I pull her close to me and breathe her in. She smells like vanilla and the snow.

"I hope you're not pitying me," she says quietly against my chest.

"Tris, I feel it too. I feel your pain, and I want to take it away. It's not pity. It's the fact that I love you," I reply after a few moments.

Amar's voice sounds throughout the room.

"Attention, everyone!" He sounds military and official, just like I remember.

"The United States government has sent representatives with a message - the future of the city," he begins. I listen closely. "The fence will be open from now on. Anyone is free to come and go, with security checks. There will be no more factions,"

I consider this for a moment. We can stay or we can go.

"Former Abnegation volunteers have been working all morning in formerly locked buildings. The United States government is offering apartments to all of you free for 3 months, completely furnished. If you plan to stay in Chicago, we head back in an hour."

Tris looks at me with wide eyes.

"They're already making decisions?"

"Looks like it. What are you thinking?"

"I want to stay," she says without hesitation.

I agree.

"Then let's get ready," I grin.

"Okay," she smiles back, a real smile, full of hope. "And I love you too."

...

The ride back to the city is uneventful, but we talk and shout the entire time. Someone made a cake before we left, and I grabbed a slice on the way out. I offer it to Tris, and she takes a bite. She makes a face.

"Dauntless cake beats this," she laughs.

...

"Wow," Tris breathes as a United States representative leads us into a bright, clean room.

The majority of one of the walls is occupied by a huge window. The kitchen has modern, working appliances. A hallway leads to two bedrooms and a bathroom.

"I think this will work for the two of you. If not, we'll keep looking. It's spacious. Room to expand," the woman winks at Tris.

She rolls her eyes and my laughter booms through the room, echoing off the walls. I hug her, and she joins me in laughter.

"This will work," I assure the woman, who smiles.

"Wonderful! I'll leave you to it."

I thank her, and with that, she's gone.

Tris pulls away from me, her eyes roaming through the furnished room.

"So... what comes next?" She asks softly. I follow her to the big window, four stories up. the height is dizzying, but I ignore it.

"I guess we just try to move on. There's not much else we can do," I reply just as quietly.

We look at the city, stretching out before us. The sun is going down, and lights are turning on everywhere.

Tris's arms wrap around my waist.


	6. Chapter 6

**(Tris)**

We moved into this apartment three days ago. Our apartment - the words feel strange. A strange that I could get used to.

All of our friends joined us in this building. Christina and Matthew, who I recently learned are having a rapidly budding romance, moved in across the hall.

It all feels a little too perfect, and it's making me paranoid. Sometimes, when things are good - _really_ good - I feel that they need a disclaimer. Like positivity is only deserved when it's been well balanced with hard times.

"What are you thinking about?" Tobias asks curiously, bringing me back to reality.

I shrug. "The present. The future, really."

He raises an eyebrow.

I continue. "Everything is so good right now. The war is over. We're not in any danger, and I certainly never expected us to have an apartment. Plus, we're sure that we have each other, and that's more than I could say a few days ago...," I cut to the chase. "Do you think there's something awful around the bend?"

He appears to consider this.

"Tris, the world doesn't dish out good and bad according to what's 'fair'. That's not how it works. We have to create our own happiness, and we can't obsess over whether it will get taken away. We don't have bad coming to us anymore than we have good coming to us."

I'm not convinced.

"It feels like it's all a big game, and someday everyone is going to say 'Well, that makes sense. Things were just too damn good for that divergent girl.'"

He stares at me. "That is a ridiculous way of thinking. We've had more than our share of bad. And regardless of how good or bad life is, maybe being happy during hard times is only possible if we're actually aware of the good. For me, it's feeling the heat of the sun and memorizing the tone of your laughter. There's always going to be good, regardless of the bad."

I nod slowly.

"You're right," I tell him, because I know it's true.

We sit quietly on the couch for awhile, talking about all of the things we hope for our future, because the good in our life is turned up a few notches and all we have to do is enjoy it.

"I want to see everything that's outside of the fence," I say. "All of it."

Tobias nods like an excited child.

"I want to learn about all of the technology that we didn't have before. We were very unprivileged with technology here," he furrows his brow. "Downsizing that, I want to marry you someday."

My heart leaps, and I feel the blood rushing to my cheeks.

"You're sweet," I say softly, leaning into him and wrapping my arms around his waist. His arm immediately encircles my back, rubbing circles into it.

"And maybe we'll have a little Tris running around," I can hear the smile in his voice.

"Or a little Tobias," I remind him.

"Oh, for sure. The best knife thrower you'll ever meet."

I laugh, the sound pealing through the room like a bell. "And little Tris will be right there with him, shooting targets and jumping off of trains," I say.

"You realize we're just describing ourselves?" he whispers in my ear.

I nod. "Maybe they'll be our opposites," I allow.

"They'll definitely be bad ass, lest you're implying anything different," Tobias warns.

I laugh again.

"I wouldn't dream of it."


	7. Chapter 7

**(Tris)**

"I'm starving," I announce a few hours later.

Tobias glances at me.

"Pasta?" he suggests.

I nod, and move to the kitchen to prep for spaghetti. Tobias joins me a minute later.

"Want to invite Christina and Matthew over?" he asks, turning the fire on under a pot of water.

"Yes" I smile. I've been happier than usual since our earlier conversation.

He smiles back at me. "You're in a good mood."

I nod. "I'm going to go get Christina. Make sure you salt the water before adding the pasta. And turn down the heat just a little... perfect! Thank you!" I don't take a breath, and brush his shoulder as I pass by him.

He grabs my arm, tugging me back. He wraps his hands around my waist, pressing his forehead to mine.

"I'm happy that you're happy," he says softly.

I smile again, and kiss him. "I love you."

"I love you too," he shakes his head, laughing, as I practically skip out of the kitchen like a five year old.

Christina appears to be on cloud nine as well, teeming with joy. I'm glad to see it. She and Matthew come over and help Tobias and I in the kitchen.

We are laughing and dancing around each other to throw an ingredient in here, stir something there, turn the heat down on this.

_I hope my entire life is like this._

Soon, we are seated around the big table. The food is delicious; we make quite the team.

"Okay guys," Christina smiles. "We have some news," she looks like she might explode with excitement.

I smile expectantly.

"Matthew and I are getting married!" she screams. Matthew grins from ear-to-ear.

Tobias and I jump up. I match Christina's screams and Tobias and Matthew hug each other in a manly kind of way, complete with back slaps.

"I know it's fast, but we just figured... why wait? We already know how unpredictable life is," Christina explains when we're all seated again.

I smile, this time a little sadly. I catch Tobias watching me out of the corner of my eye and take a deep breath.

I speak as joyfully as I can. "I'm so happy for you," I say truthfully. "What's the date?"

"Three weeks from today."

That _is_ fast.

"That's great!... I'll be right back, okay? I'm going to the bathroom."

I walk to the hall, and for some insane reason, I feel like crying. I don't want to get married yet. Of course I don't. But I still feel a weight on my chest, contrasted only by the happiness I feel for Christina and Matthew.

It is then that I see a piece of paper on the floor, near the front door - like someone slipped it under the crack. I pick it up at the same time Tobias emerges from the kitchen.

"I was just going to find you... what's wrong?"

My fingers have started to tremble, and I wave the paper. "Look," my voice shakes. Tobias comes over to read it.

_Tobias and Beatrice,_

_"Four and Tris," I regret to inform you that you have crossed a line by erasing the memories of my staff. And because of this, you must be killed - particularly you, Beatrice. Tobias, we may spare your life, but not without punishment. Clearly, I do not beat around the bush. Be at Millennium park at 11:30 tomorrow night, unarmed and unaccompanied. Failure will result in the death of your loved ones, beginning with Caleb Prior._

_Best regards._


	8. Chapter 8

**(Tris)**

"Absolutely not!" Tobias booms. I frown. He's making this very difficult.

"Come on. She'll be completely safe," Matthew offers. This only appears to make Tobias angrier.

"You want me to send the girl I'm in love with to some anonymous note writer who wants to kill her?" he demands. My frown deepens, and I touch his arm. He looks at me.

"I'll be fine. So will you. I'll have hidden cameras, weapons. I'll be fine," I say.

His eyes soften. He touches my cheek. "Tris, I would rather you stay and I go," he says.

I shake my head. "They want me. That's clear. They won't stop until I'm dead… so we have to stop them. They'll kill everyone we love if we don't. I have to go alone."

Now he's shaking his head. "Not alone. I'm going with you."

"You have to hide with Zeke and Christina and everyone else," I counter.

Saying he looks upset would be an understatement. I hug him for a long time.

"We don't have a choice. They have my brother. I'll be okay," I say against his chest.

He takes a deep breath.

"Okay," he finally says against my hair. He holds me tightly.

"Great," Matthew speaks. "So we'll attach a hidden camera to Tris, and she'll have a gun and a knife. The rest of us—me, Christina, Zeke, Cara, Amar, George, and you, Tobias—will be hiding in the trees around Millennium," he strategizes for the 11th time.

And that's exactly what happens.

...

It's 11:28 PM the next night. I'm standing on the grass in Millennium Park. It's cold, but I wipe my hands on my jeans.

By 11:35, I'm still standing there. I glance around. My friends, invisible in the darkness, are hidden among the shadows, close to the ground, watching me. I breathe deeply.

Strangely, I'm not afraid. A little anxious, yes, but certainly not as scared as I should be. In fact, I'm almost bored. I check my watch—11:37—and cross my arms over my chest, looking around again. It's so quiet. I'm starting to wonder if this was a joke.

And then, all in one instant, it's not. I see movement in the shadows, the click of…what is that? A bullet?... sliding into place, the crack of a twig.

Instinctively, I whip out my gun and point towards the direction of the movement and noise.

Nothing. Silence.

And then a click. And then darkness.


	9. Chapter 9

**(Tobias)**

"Four! Calm down!" Christina whispers harshly.

I struggle against all of the hands that are on me. Matthew, Amar, George, and Zeke simultaneously grabbed me the instant Tris was shot.

But it wasn't a bullet.

I'm not sure what it was. All I registered was a needle going into her arm… a serum, I assume, but I can't be sure. She blacked out at the contact.

And now I find myself being restrained as she lies limply in the grass, a hundred yards before me. Amar's hand is clamped tightly over my mouth, preventing me from shouting out.

A moment later, a dark shape scurries forward, toward Tris.

"Now," Zeke nods at Christina, and she dashes out to the two.

"Hey!" she shouts. Before the word is out of her mouth, the hooded figure stabs a needle into her arm, and she falls—whatever they did to Tris, they just did it to Christina.

And now someone is holding Matthew back, and we're both struggling, and I think I might kill someone if I ever escape from this prison of arms.

The shooter hauls Tris across the grass and into a car that speeds up to the curb. I wrench myself free as the vehicle swerves away, disappearing just as quickly as it came.

Stumbling, I collapse in the grass where Tris lay just a moment ago. Matthew rushes over and crouches next to Christina.

I see Tris's gun lying a few feet away.

I let my head fall into the sharp blades of grass.


	10. Chapter 10

**(Tobias)**

Christina is breathing. I know the relief I feel should encompass the preservation of her life, but all I can think is that this means _Tris is alive._

I watch the computer screen. I've been watching it for half an hour, hardly blinking.

When we got back to the apartment, the hidden camera that we attached to Tris showed us nothing but the ceiling of a dark room. The camera rises and falls steadily. She's breathing.

I'm shaking.

I shouldn't have let her go. I shouldn't have let her walk out into the grass, to a fate we were all damn sure of. I shouldn't have let someone knock her out and drag her across the grass, to keep her in this dark room that I can't tear my eyes from. It's my fault.

Where is she? I remember the maps that I once watched Peter study. The world is huge. She could be anywhere. She could be anywhere, and yet, she can't be. These people had to have taken her somewhere close, or we would be watching the roof of a car bump along a road.

It's one in the morning, and I know I won't be able to sleep; I won't be able to take my eyes from this screen. Every time someone suggests that I get some rest, that they'll keep watch, that I need to sleep, they are met with death glares or silence.

Is she facing something in her mind? Is this a fear simulation, or just a sleeping drug? I glance at Christina, lying across my couch, just for a moment. She looks peaceful. I hope she is. I hope Tris is.

...

Hours are passing by. It's now six in the morning. People are sleeping all over my living room, sprawled out, mouths hanging open. Christina is still unconscious.

Matthew and I have been up all night, never taking our eyes from Tris and Christina, exchanging a word or two every now and then.

Even now, as the sun rises over the city, casting pink, purple, pale blue shadows through the huge window across the room, he strokes her hair and I stare at a screen.

This goes on for another 20 minutes before something changes.

The camera starts to move. I sit straight up. Tris's breathing becomes heavier, and then she's still again, but her fingers come into focus, and she gently touches the lens. It goes black for a moment, before she removes her hand. She breathes in relief.

"I'm sorry. I love you," she whispers softly. Tears fill my eyes and cloud my vision. "I'm going to stay still now." And she does.

I shake everyone awake, with Matthew's help.

By the time I've described what happened, Christina suddenly sits straight up.

"Christina…oh my... thank god," Matthew says, and they wrap their arms around each other.

"Welcome back. What was it? A serum?" I waste no time in asking questions.

Matthew scowls at me. I don't care.

She shakes her head. "It just put me to sleep… but I'm a little dizzy," she replies.

"Lay back," Matthew suggests, and she does.

"How's Tris?" She peers at the screen.

"She woke up a few minutes ago," I say.

"Do you know where she is?"

"Not yet."

I return my attention to the computer.

Tris is not breathing steadily anymore. Her breaths are quick, ragged, anxious. She's scared.

She's brave.

I don't stop waiting for something new to happen. It takes another hour.

But something definitely happens.


	11. Chapter 11

**(Tris)**

Everything is so dark. Peaceful, even. Darkness.

It's all darkness, until it's not.

I blink my eyes open wearily, as if I just swam to the surface and found light there. I was asleep, a strange sleep.

Alarm suddenly jumps into me. Where am I? Where is Tobias? And then I remember—someone wants me dead. I am being held by whoever wants to kill me.

I remember the camera attached to me, and begging for it to still be there, I run my fingers down my shirt. I sigh in relief when I find it.

I know Tobias is listening. I don't know how long it's been, but he's listening. I'm sure of it.

"I'm sorry," I whisper. Sorry for getting myself shot with a needle and kidnapped.

"I love you," that's all. I love you, I love you, I love you.

"I'm going to stay still now."

I need to be smart. I need to figure this out logically, go over the facts, make sense of it before I scream.

_Caleb is close by, being held by the same person. I'm going to save him._

_Tobias can hear me. He sees what I see, give or take a few inches._

_I made someone mad when I erased the memories of the compound staff. _

_They want to kill me._

_They want to hurt Tobias._

My hands start to shake, and I clench them into fists. Now I need to gather the information around me.

I am in a room. It's large, and white, with no windows. I swallow. It reminds me of Erudite. But this can't be Erudite. Erudite was much smaller than this.

I am lying on the floor. It's made of tile. Cold.

In one corner of the room is a sink; in another, a machine. I stare at it. It's large and cubic and as white as everything else in the room. There are wires dangling loosely from it.

Above me are pale lights. I can't look at them for long - they make my head hurt. Cameras are in each corner, pointed straight at me.

Oh, this is so much like Erudite. The painful memories flood my mind, overwhelming me. My breath quickens, my heart thumps loudly. It takes me several minutes to calm down.

After I'm sure that my heartbeat has returned to normal, I look around again, barely lifting my head.

My eyes fall on the machine for the second time. I can't imagine what its function is, but maybe Tobias or one of the others will recognize it. I hope they're watching.

Slowly, I push myself up with my elbows to give the camera a view of the machine.

And then suddenly it comes to life, whirring, clicking, awful high pitched noises.

My heart stops. It must have sensed my movement.

Without really thinking it through, I bolt upright, and I'm on my feet, running towards the exit. Much to my surprise, it opens - it sets off an alarm, but it opens.

I rush into the hallway, and it is as white and blank as the room I just left. I look to the sides wildly. To the left, at the end of the long hallway, is a big window. That's all. To the right - well, to the right are a group of people striding towards me.

There are six or seven of them, all dressed in white. White shirts, white pants, white sneakers. So much white.

The machine is whirring angrily in the room behind me. The alarm blares in my ears.

I run to the left.


	12. Chapter 12

**(Tris)**

I never knew a hallway could be so long. It feels like I've been running forever. I don't look back—I know I'm being pursued.

I reach the window. All I see on the other side is a canopy of green. It's taller than me. I feel all around the sides, looking for a lock, a handle, anything that will open it. Nothing.

I glance back quickly. The white clothed people are coming towards me at a brisk pace. My fingers fumble against the glass for another moment, and then I start pounding on it, hitting it again and again, as hard as I can.

I kick it with the toes of my sneakers. I slam the side of my body against it. I bang on it relentlessly, and nothing happens. It will take no damage. Of course not. I'm fighting a block of glass, and I'm losing.

Still, I pound on it until they grab my feet and arms, and then I swing at them until they shoot a needle into my arm.

...

When I resurface, the first thing I see is a dreadfully familiar face.

David.

My heart sinks, bile rises in my throat, and confusion fills me.

I'm back in the same room I woke up in last time.

_Looking away is submissive._

I stare him straight in the eye until he cracks from the tension and looks away.

"Hello, Tris," he says when he looks back at me.

The sound of my name in his mouth makes my stomach turn.

I say nothing.

"I trust you're doing well?" there is a hint of amusement in his voice, his eyes bright with humor. "Why didn't you bring your boyfriend along?"

There is a bitter taste in my mouth.

"I would have so liked to see Tobias again," he continues in a sick tone.

I hate him.

"You two love birds really are adorable. Any good news to share? A wedding? A baby?" David taps his left ring finger, places a hand on his abdomen.

"Actually, don't tell me. Whatever it is, it will not come to pass. You see, I'm going to kill you," he smiles. A genuine smile. Not to scare me, not an evil smile. He appears truly happy that my death is on the horizon.

"But first," he goes on. "We'll be running some tests on you."

My stomach drops. Erudite.

_Erudite._

I have to remind myself that I'm not in Erudite, that Erudite is not chillingly white and this man has no place there. My breath shakes on my next exhale.

He notices.

"What?" he asks innocently. "You don't like tests? No math, I promise. And once we're through with them, we'll find Four and kill you in front him. Let him live with his grief. Okie dokie?" he says casually; cheerfully.

An overwhelming desire to strangle him washes over me. No, not just strangle him—more than that. I remember the knife, feel the cool blade of it hidden beneath my jeans.

When I move to stand up, nothing happens. It is as if my limbs are no longer a part of me.

They don't move. I don't move.

David laughs.

"Oh that, yes. You're under a temporary paralysis. Your first test will be administered this evening. It is similar to a fear simulation. You're familiar with simulations, yes?" When I don't answer, he clears his throat slightly and continues. "Well, it's similar to that, but much stronger. You see, it shows only your greatest fear, the most terrifying one that your mind has conjured up. The serum will take this fear and amplify it into something darker than you can imagine, and it will repeat this in several different scenarios," he checks for a reaction from me. I keep my face completely expressionless.

"We've tested it on Divergent stronger even than you—myself included," he chuckles when my eyes fly wide open. "Oh yes, Beatrice. I am naturally inoculated against the memory serum. Always have been. Your little shenanigan didn't work on me," he smiles again.

"Anyhow, I went through this fear simulation many months ago. I still have nightmares every night. Of course, your nightmares will not need to be dealt with for too long; as you know, I'm going to kill you soon," he makes to leave, heading toward the exit door.

Right before he pushes through, he turns back to look at me.

"The paralysis will wear off right after the test. We can't have you thrashing about while it's in progress; but immediately after, you will feel the deep pain of your grief."

He disappears.


	13. Chapter 13

**(Tobias)**

I remember watching one of my fellow dauntless initiates, 2 years ago. I remember watching him break his teeth on vodka bottles because he hated it there and he was at the bottom of the ranks, sure to be factionless.

I remember the kitten that followed me home from school when I was 7. I wanted to keep it, but my parents said no - such things as pets were useless and therefore selfish. My father promised to "take care" of it. I still hear the cries of the kitten that I couldn't shut out with my pillow.

I remember the sound I heard when I was 9 and my father slammed the door so hard, I swear to God it shook the whole house.

At the behest of pain, I remember these things; things that have brought me pain in the past, the ways I've seen others try to kill their sadness.

Right now, as I remember, and as I listen to Tris's uneven breathing, pain takes way to anger.

I'm going to kill David, I decide.

If I can figure out where he is.

I've been awake for rapidly approaching three days. I've hardly eaten, because I can't stomach anything. I can't see straight. I can't comprehend the simplest things and my hands shake so hard when I hold my water that Amar has to take it away so it doesn't spill on the computer and the only link I have to Tris.

David had his conversation with her three hours ago.

Tris spoke directly to me: "I'm sorry. I still don't know where I am. I love you." That was two hours ago.

And 30 minutes ago, I just snapped. I got up, knocking my chair back, went to the kitchen, and hurled glasses and dishes across the room like a madman.

"I can't just sit here," I say now, harshly. "We can't just _sit_ here. We have to find her," I know I'm being illogical, but I can't stop.

"We don't know where she is," Zeke says, calmly repeating himself for the fifth time. It's a wonder he hasn't broken my neck yet. "We have to wait until someone says it, to see a logo. A landmark. Something."

"We can't just do nothing!" I shout.

"All we can do is wait! Now shut the hell up and look for something that will show us where she is!" Zeke yells back.

I channel all of my frustration as I bang my fist against the coffee table, sending a long crack splintering through it. I hang my head in my hands.

"Tobias, we miss her too," Christina says. "We want to find her just as much as you do. But the only way to do that is to give it time and figure out exactly where she is," she tells me.

After a moment, I nod at her once, quickly, and turn back to the screen, my anger diffused.

If we're going to find Tris, I have to be smart.

I try to imagine what she would tell me if she were here. _Relax. Look closely. Stop stressing and you'll find the answer_.

I can almost feel her small hands on my shoulders, her voice in my ear. I focus all of my attention on the screen before me.

The only thing that has changed is me—I'm suddenly calmer, more aware—but everything else seems to have taken on a new light as well.

It seems clearer, somehow. I stare at what little I can see of the room from Tris's position. The white walls. The tile floors. They almost seem familiar.

I try to recall the hallway that Tris ran down yesterday. The window. The other side of it was covered densely in leaves and branches, a thin strip at the top revealing a cloudless blue sky. No way of seeing the world beyond.

Which building has landscaping like that? Trees that grow up to the windows? Gears are starting to turn in my mind. The hallway. The tiles. The _window_.

David walks into Tris's room at that moment, interrupting my thoughts. Her breaths become quicker. So do mine.

"Good evening, Tris," he says with feign politeness. The turning in my stomach reminds me of my promise to kill him.

As expected, she says nothing in return. A flash of anger crosses David's face.

He continues. "It's time to begin your first test," he smiles sickly.

His eyes travel down Tris's body, lingering at her chest. I swear to God he looks right at the camera, then continues down to her shoes. I wonder if I imagined it.

That's when they walk in. Three people. Two guards, each on one side of Caleb, who looks dazed, confused, and in pain. I hear Tris's sharp intake of breath, feel a jump of surprise myself. But Caleb isn't what grabs my attention.

It's the guard on the left, the only one I've seen that isn't dressed in stark white.

"Get out!" David roars at him.

He drops Caleb and disappears.

But it's too late. I saw the logo on his clothes, felt everything click into place. I know where I've seen the tiles, where the buildings are taller than the trees.

Somewhere I've always dreaded going to on the occasional mandatory business trip.

I feel the slightest twinge of hope as the puzzle pieces fall together.

"The Hancock building..." Tris whispers softly.

David stabs a needle into her arm.


	14. Chapter 14

**(Tris)**

I gather two things before I slip into the darkness of the unknown. The first is that I am on an upper floor of the Hancock building. The second is my brother. Caleb is alive. He's okay. I hold onto these small glints of hope as the serum takes over and the world around me changes.

I'm on my feet in a dimly lit, doorless room. I wonder briefly why there are no exits. From somewhere unknown to me, Tobias enters the room with something in his arms.

Joy fills me at the sight of him, and I make my way over to him. He beams at me, and shows me the thing in his arms.

A baby, wrapped in a soft white blanket. It's sleeping, its pink lips parted.

My heart swells on instinct. My baby.

I reach for the baby, and as Tobias hands it to me, he kisses my head. I smile up at him.

And then, suddenly, it changes again. I hear a bang, and Tobias's eyes go wide and glossy, his face void of expression.

All around me, people I love-Christina, Uriah, Caleb, my parents - are standing, staring at me with the same lifeless look.

I turn back to Tobias, and he collapses. Everyone collapses. I fall to my knees beside him, gently setting the baby down.

"Tobias? Tobias?!" I scream, shaking him. I check for a pulse, for breath. Nothing. He's dead.

I blink, and when I open my eyes, all that remains is my baby, wailing.

I pull the tiny body to my chest, sobbing, clutching to the only thing left that I love. And then it's gone.

The cries cut off sharply, the baby locks eyes with me and bores holes into my soul, then fades away, leaving me empty handed.

I scream over and over again, I scream for life, for death, for those I love. I am on the floor of that dark room for days, years. Time stretches on.

And it begins again.

I am in another room. I watch Tobias and everyone I care about get murdered in a countless number of ways.

Drowning. Burning. Poison. Sickness. Shooting. Stabbing. Hanging. I watch Tobias hurl himself off of a building. I witness Christina having a seizure.

The outcome is always the same. I am powerless to stop them, powerless to save them. I am always left alone, everything I love ripped away from me.

**...**

I wake up in the Hancock room gasping and sobbing, hunched over myself.

The numbness has long since left my body and sheer pain starts settling in.

_It wasn't real. It wasn't real. How did it work on me?_

I feel paranoid. So completely afraid because I know, with these memories, I will never be the same. I can feel grief coming and it hurts like nothing I've ever felt.

I don't know how long I scream. It's gut wrenching pain. Images of Tobias dying burn the back of my eyelids and everything aches. I literally writhe in emotional pain, clawing at my skin, pulling at my hair and trying to get their screams out.

Somewhere in my state, I understand that the screams I'm hearing are my own.

I cry and shriek and throw up on the tile floor. When I roll away from it, I see blood trailing from my previous position and my current one.

The knife.

I pull up the leg of my jeans, ripping the hilt of the knife from my flesh and hurling it away from me. Blood gushes from the place where it dug in deeply.

I press my hand to the wound, an action that does nothing but cover my hand in crimson red.

I know that I'll die if I don't stop the blood, so I pull myself to my feet and stumble to the sink in the corner.

Hoisting my leg onto the counter, I cup water in my hands and pour it over my calf. I use the entire length of my arms to wipe the wound, covering me up to my elbows in blood.

There are scratches all over me from where I clawed at myself in blind panic, and the leg that isn't on the counter threatens to give out beneath me.

A few people dressed in white charge in, coming straight for me.

"Where the hell is she?!" Tobias's voice echoes down the hall.

"Don't kill me! Please, I'll tell you everything!" David's voice screams, trembling.

It's all the blood in the sink. It's the crying, and the fluorescent lights, and white sneakers and pale faces and shaky breaths and blood. So much blood.

_This isn't real. This isn't real_.

"Tris!" Tobias's voice sounds again, closer this time. The guards seize my arms and pull me away from the sink.

I cry quietly. I don't want to open my eyes to see how he dies this time.

"Tris! Let go of her!" Two bangs go off on each side of me. I hear people collapse to the ground.

Familiar arms wrap around me, strong and warm.

"Tris?! Tris, look at me!" He says frantically.

I cry harder, squeezing my eyes together tightly.

"This isn't real!" I scream.

"No, Tris, this is real. T_his is real._ I promise. We're in the Hancock building. We have to go home... Oh God, your leg," he says in that same frantic tone.

My eyes fly open.

This is real.

If it wasn't, I wouldn't be aware.

"Tobias," I sob, wrapping my arms around him as tightly as I can.

"It's okay. It's okay," he whispers, carrying me towards the hall. Something occurs to me.

"Caleb! No! No, find Caleb!" I scream.

"Tris, we have to get you to the h-"

"No! Find him! Please find him!" I try to break free from his hold, to jump to my feet.

"Damn it, Tris-"

Zeke runs down the hall, dragging a barely alive, but conscious Caleb at his side.

"Found him! Come on! They're waiting for us at the top!"

Tobias adjusts his hold on me before running down the hall after them, anxiously breathing an explanation along the way.

"We saw the Hancock logo and came here. We recognized the tree by the window, so we knew which level you were on... getting up here is a long story," he sighs. "We killed a lot of people, including David. He's dead. He can't hurt you anymore. But there are still a ton of people down there. Amar called the... police. They're kind of like Dauntless. They're having them all locked up, but until they get here, those people are too dangerous. We have to take the zip line down," his voice shakes on the last sentence.

Sadness fills me. I have no problem going down the zip line, but I know how afraid of heights Tobias is.

He looks down at me, and if I've ever wondered how much he loves me, I have a pretty good idea by the way he looks at me.

"We have to get you to a hospital. I missed you so much," he says softly. I notice the pale color in his face, the shadows under his eyes. I wrap my arms around his neck and bury my face into it.

When we reach the roof, Caleb is just pushing off, screaming. Tobias sets me down and I rush to the edge.

"Who's first? Quick," Zeke says. Tobias looks frozen with fear.

"We're going together," I say firmly, taking his hand.

Zeke shrugs. "That works. Come on, hurry."

"Will that even work?" Tobias asks.

"Yeah. Did it once with Shauna. Hurry," Zeke replies.

"It's okay. Just like your landscape," I whisper to Tobias softly. I kiss him fiercely, pulling him as close as possible. For every moment that I've missed him this week, longed for his arms around me and the warmth of his body and the sound of his heartbeat. I've never been more grateful for his life.

The kiss appears to be what he needs to get into the sling, and I climb in in front of him.

"Ready?" Zeke asks.

Tobias grips both my hands in his and I nod.

Zeke pushes us off, and Tobias shouts.

I hold his hands tightly and grin, stretching my arms with his so we feel like birds.

My entire body sings as we zip through empty space, hundreds of yards above the ground. Free. I laugh joyously.

Tobias pulls the brake as we near the end, and we drop into the net of arms that await us.

Then I'm rushed to Amar's car, and we speed towards the nearest hospital.


	15. Chapter 15

**(Tobias)**

I hold tightly to Tris's hand. She's asleep, wearing a white hospital gown after being stripped of her torn, bloody clothes.

Even after everything that happened, even though we were almost killed and I'm sitting in a dreary room in the hospital at the bedside of the girl I love - despite all of it, I haven't been this happy in weeks. Because even though Tris is injured and I'm more tired than ever, there's us. Never will I take that fact for granted.

When we arrived here, Tris was rushed to the emergency room to be evaluated. The frantic note taking and exchanging of whispers between the doctors alluded to their Erudite origin. I didn't hear any of what they were saying because they set me to the task of signing about a million papers. I glance at the pile that still needs signing, resting on the bedside table.

I return my attention to Tris, stroking her hair back from her face, thinking for the hundredth time that I am unbelievably lucky.

I almost don't notice when the doctor walks in. She looks about 40 years old with graying blonde hair and dull blue eyes, framed by wire rimmed glasses.

"Hello," she smiles warmly, sitting on the other side of Tris's bed and shaking my hand. "I'm Dr. Foley."

"Tobias Eaton," I smile back. I like her immediately.

"Mr. Eaton. And is this Mrs. Eaton?"

"Not yet," I laugh. "This is Tris Prior."

She smiles again. "I have some news regarding Tris. She has a condition called Hypovolemic Shock. When heavy bleeding occurs, there is not enough blood flow to the organs of the body. At that point, the organs shut down, resulting in death. It's very fortunate that you brought her in when you did," Dr. Foley explains.

I swallow. "Will she be okay?"

"Yes! But there are a few symptoms that you should be wary of. Tris will have some of them during the first few days after she goes home, but if they persist after the third day, you'll have to bring her back in," she hands me a list which I read through quickly.

_Anxiety_

_Blue lips and fingernails/low body temperature_

_Shallow breathing_

_Dizziness_

_Rapid heart rate_

Dr. Foley must have noticed the look on my face, because she says "She'll be fine. We're giving her lots of fluids and blood products, so she'll be strong when you go home."

I nod. "When will that be?"

"If she progresses at the rate she's at now, tomorrow."

After thanking her and saying goodbye, Dr. Foley leaves the room.

Minutes later, beautiful gray eyes open into mine.

"Hey," I smile.

"Hi," Tris smiles back. "Did I miss anything?"

I laugh as I rub my hand up and down her arm, covering her in goosebumps. It amazes me that I have this effect on her. "A few symptoms from the blood loss, but you're going to be fine. We go home tomorrow," I assure her.

"Symptoms?" she asks nervously.

I tuck her hair behind her ear. "Nothing to worry about," I say softly.

She shifts her body to the side. "Lay with me," she instructs quietly.

I do as told, wrapping my arms around her middle and pulling her close. She faces towards me, leaning her face into my neck, and for awhile we lay like that, the silence broken only by the sound of the heart monitor.

"Christina gets married in two weeks," she whispers. She almost sounds pained.

"Is that a bad thing?" I ask softly into her hair.

"Of course not... It's just..." she sighs.

"Just what?"

"She's my best friend, Tobias, and I haven't been around to help her at all. God knows how much stress she's been under because of me, and she probably hasn't been able to get a single thing done."

I sigh. "Tris, I think planning a wedding is the least of Christina's worries. She's out there in the lobby right now, and she refuses to leave even though they're only letting family in," she raises her eyebrows at me. "They made an exception for big scary Four," I inform her.

She looks at me with wide eyes. "I want to go home."

"I know... I want you home. Just a little while longer," I reply.

I kiss her forehead, her cheek. Her eyes flutter closed when I brush my lips against hers.

"I love you," I whisper. She responds by pressing her lips to mine gently, and I feel all of the places where our lips meet and part. Our kisses have become different, more passionate, more conveying of our love.

She starts intensifying the kisses, and our breaths become heavier between each one. I know where it's going when she pulls me over her body, tangling her hands in my hair as my hands slide beneath the sleeves of her irritating hospital gown. As much as I want this, this isn't the time or place, so I reluctantly pull away, leaving her with a frustrated look.

"I'll try to sneak Christina in," I say as I leave a trail of kisses across her collarbone. "What kind of food do you want?"

She considers this, then shrugs. "Whatever's there."

She looks up at me, dark lashes framing blue-gray eyes. I kiss her lips again, quickly.

"I love you," she smiles.

"I love you," I reply. "I'll be quick."

"Please bring Christina."

The sound of her voice makes me decide then and there that I will get Christina in come hell or high water.

The task proves easier than expected. I meet her, along with Matthew, in the lobby and usher them with me to the cafeteria.

After piling four plates with food, we make our way to the elevators and step in as a nurse passes through the hall before us.

She peers at all the food. "Where are you off to?" she interrogates immediately.

"Our sister's room," Christina replies as the doors start to close.

The nurse's eyes sweep over the three of us, Christina's dark skin, my tan skin, Matthew's pale skin.

"Hold on a second-" the elevator doors slide shut at that moment, cutting her off. We all laugh.

My heart beats quickly until we're out of the elevator and in Tris's room.

She smiles brightly when she sees us, and Christina rushes to hug her. They immediately launch into conversation as I place Tris's food in front of her. She brushes my fingers when I do.

I smile at her and join Matthew in the hard plastic chairs.

"So you're getting married," I say. We haven't had much of a chance to talk about it, what with everything that's happened.

He smiles like a kid on Christmas morning. "Sure am."

"Congrats. I can see how happy you make each other."

"When are you going to marry Tris?" he inquires.

I smile at the thought. "I'm not sure. I don't want to pressure her. She's only sixteen, and she's always said she wants to take things slow. I would like nothing more than to marry her, but I'm going to wait a little while until I'm sure she wants the same thing," I say.

I think I catch Tris looking at me a little sadly, but her eyes are trained on Christina again before I have time to process it.

Matthew looks at me curiously. "She loves you."

"I know. I love her too, more than I've ever loved anything."

The deep truth of my words cement themselves in my brain and all I can think is that I want her, all of her, every day for the rest of my life.


	16. Chapter 16

**(Tris)**

I wake to sunshine knocking on my eyelids. My entire body aches. I sit up slowly, looking around me. There's no sign of Tobias, but there is a note on my bedside table.

_Good morning. Going to clean up the house and bring breakfast. I love you._

I smile at the simple and sweet note before carefully edging my legs over the side of the bed. Pain shoots through me as the blood rushes to my feet.

Against the doctors' orders, I stand tentatively and make my way to the small bathroom to change out of my awful hospital gown.

Digging through my small bag, I put on a light gray dress and black flats, feeling much like Christina. I brush my hair, which is starting to grow out, and after brief consideration, I apply makeup.

Examining myself in the mirror, I decide that I like it.

I then walk back to the bed and perch on the edge, crossing my ankles. I peer around at the large, sunny room and remember the previous night, quickly getting lost in thought.

Tobias and Matthew fell asleep slumped in their plastic chairs while Christina and I sat on the bed and talked until ungodly hours of the night.

When she noticed that the boys were asleep, the conversation quickly shifted from her and Matthew to me and Tobias, and she wasted no time in getting to her point.

"As much as I love being the engaged one, it's about time you and Tobias stepped into the spotlight," Christina had said.

I had cringed at the time, but now I smile as I imagine it. To marry Tobias and wake every morning knowing that we belong to each other in the most committed way possible. To know that every piece of the entirety of our souls belong to the same thing. For his dreams to become mine and mine to become his.

I remember what I overheard Tobias tell Matthew—about not knowing if I wanted that.

My heart aches.

I'm almost seventeen. If he were to drop to his knees before me right now, I don't know what I would say. I would not say no.

I might say "I need time to think about it" or "Are you sure?"

At least, I try to convince myself that I might say those things.

Truthfully, I think I would be overcome by joy, that I would want to shout my happiness from the mountaintops, that everything inside of me would sing and the only thing I would be able to say is _yes, yes._

The concept of age puts me on edge, but as Christina repeated over and over last night, if you know it's right, why wait?

_Why wait?_

The thought was only a second, maybe half a second, but it changes everything. It cements itself inside of me, permanently settles into my heart.

Why wait?

It is at that moment that Tobias walks in. In his hand is a brown paper bag, and the smell of muffins immediately wafts through the room. I stand and make my way to him, instantly pressing my lips to his without so much as a "hello". He appears taken aback but quickly leans into me, wrapping his free arm around my waist.

The intensity and desperation builds rapidly, and I press my body against his, pulling him closer to deepen the kiss.

He moans softly and I have to pull back for air. I breathe heavily and the moment we're apart, I already want him back.

"Not that I'm complaining," he begins, "but what was that f-"

I cut him off by kissing him again.

...

I'm practically bouncing with anticipation as Dr. Foley signs the last paper that will officially discharge me from the hospital.

Tobias's hand rests on my lower back, and he urges me forward the instant Dr. Foley clears me.

We step outside into the clean, fresh air. I smile widely.

"We have a car," Tobias says nonchalantly.

My eyebrows shoot up.

He looks at me and laughs. "Kind of a _sorry-my-former-boss-kidnapped-you_ gift from Amar."

In Abnegation, almost no one had cars. If we could walk, why should we drive? The idea was useless and therefore self-indulgent; and the Abnegation are anything but selfish. The people who did have cars needed them because the center of the city where they worked was too far away for walking.

I laugh with him as he leads me to a sleek black car that looks more expensive than Christina's engagement ring—which is saying a lot.

"Wow," I mutter as Tobias opens the door for me and I slide into the passenger seat. I'm enveloped by cool air blowing from the vents above me.

Tobias gets into the driver's side. He turns the key in the ignition and the vehicle purrs to life. I look around curiously.

"Do you like it?" Tobias sounds nervous. "Amar said we can get a different one if-"

I place my hand on his. "I love it."

He smiles gently and brings my hand to his lips. "I love you."

...

We walk to the elevator in the lobby of our apartment building. I told Tobias that we could take the stairs, but he insisted that I shouldn't be pushing my body.

I grasp onto his hand as we step in. The doors slide shut slowly after I push the "4" button.

Tobias's apprehension fills the small space. He clenches his fists and swallows, his adam's apple bobbing.

I wrap my arms around his waist and he holds me to him tightly until the elevator dings and the doors open.

Then he breathes in relief and we walk out.

The air of familiarity that immediately washes over me when we step inside of our apartment makes me happy.

We both collapse onto the couch and Tobias looks at me nervously. I stare back. "What's wrong?" I finally ask.

He looks away for just a second and clears his throat.

"Do you... Tris, would you ever want to take a vacation?" he asks.

I look at him questioningly. You can't exactly vacation in your own city.

"You mean... beyond the fence, right?" I reply.

He nods hastily and picks up a folder resting on the coffee table—the table looks different. I wonder if it's new.

"Amar told me about some 'must-see' places. I really want to take you here," he holds up a sheet of paper that's covered in pictures of the most beautiful place I've ever seen.

Water cascades over the side of a cliff, flowing out into a huge body of water. In another picture, the sky is dark and the falls are lit with every color of the rainbow.

"It's called Niagara Falls," Tobias says.

"It's beautiful," I whisper.

Tobias touches my hand. "Would you ever like to go there?" he asks softly.

I should be doubtful, worried, on edge about leaving the city. Instead, I am full of a desire to visit this beautiful place with Tobias and experience firsthand the world that lies beyond us.

"Yes," I'm still whispering.

He smiles. "Then we will, as soon as you heal."

A knock sounds at the door and Tobias moves to open it. I am met by the anticipating faces of Christina, Matthew, Zeke, Shauna, George, Amar, and Cara. And Caleb.

My heart jumps with happiness.

Caleb walks to me instantly, Tobias hovering behind him. The others wave their hellos. I wave back before wrapping my arms tightly around my brother.

"You saved me," he whispers.

"I love you," I reply.

"I love you too Bea... Tris," he smiles, his eyes bright. I return the smile and hug him again.

...

"What's for dinner?!" Zeke shouts.

I smile weakly. He's just like Uriah. Pain singes through me.

"Tris?" Tobias asks.

I shrug. "I'm not hungry."

He looks at me for a moment longer before joining me on the couch and wrapping his arm around my waist.

"You guys can order whatever you want," he says.

20 minutes later, pizza is being passed out and I feel nauseas. A headache has also come over me.

Zeke starts clapping when Matthew announces his and Christina's engagement, and every wave of the noise makes my head pound.

Tobias tightens his grip on my waist and helps me to my feet.

"Tris needs to lay down. You guys can crash here if you want," he says in his Four voice: final, with no room for discussion.

The time reads 10:30 PM, and the sun has long since gone down.

When we get to our room, I run straight to the bathroom and start heaving over the toilet. Tobias stands behind me and brushes my hair back from my face.

"Thank you," I say, flushing and rinsing my mouth, pulling my toothbrush out.

He disappears but returns a moment later with my pajamas.

I smile gratefully at him and he kisses my forehead.

I lay in the dark with Tobias, breathing through my migraine which has gone from bad to almost unbearable.

He's done everything he can, shutting off every light in the apartment, forcing everyone to be silent, bringing me cold water and more blankets and aspirin, but my head is still blaring like a siren, so now I just ask him to hold me. He does. It helps more than anything.

When my headache has subsided slightly, I fall asleep and I'm out cold for the rest of the night.


	17. Chapter 17

**(Tris)**

I'm standing too stiffly and my hair is sticking to the back of my neck. The sleeves on Tobias's suit jacket threaten to tear at the force of his muscles, and he looks around impatiently.

Dressing up has never been our forte, but right now, the look on Christina's face makes me willing to stand in a too-tight dress and too-tall heels.

She's happy; cheeks flushed, eyes bright. All of our planning has commenced beautifully over the last two weeks, and her satisfaction shines as she rearranges a vase of white roses.

She says something to her fiancé, who announces that the rehearsal is starting and_ please, everyone take your places._

Tobias and I, along with Zeke, Shauna, Caleb, and Cara, walk to the back of the small church and through a set of double doors. Christina joins us a minute later, her happiness making her beautiful despite the fact that she's wearing pajamas. I envy her for how comfortable her clothes look; she insisted that Matthew was forbidden to see the dress until tomorrow.

Tomorrow is the real deal, and after the reception, she and Matthew will board a plane for their honeymoon.

About a week ago, Christina looked through Tobias's "Folder of Places" as we're calling it, and she started dancing around the idea of a place called New York City. While beautiful, none of the places in the Folder shouted at me like Niagara Falls. It's a simple place, compared to some of the other ones in the Folder, but it's elegant and lovely, and it's as though there's an invisible tether pulling me toward it.

So, Tobias and I will board a plane with Christina and Matthew tomorrow night, but we will get off before them. They'll fly a little further until they reach New York.

This will be Tobias's first time on a plane, which makes me nervous. When I express my concern, he dismisses it with a wave of his hand, saying he'll be fine as long as he ignores his fear.

While this doesn't sound like the best solution to me, I let it go for the time being.

The next morning is an eventful one. Tobias and I scarf down some toast on our way to our separate destinations - I to Christina's apartment and he to Zeke's, where the groom is preparing.

I knock on Christina's door and receive no answer. However, the buzz and bustling coming from inside is my cue to simply walk on in. Bridesmaid dress hanging over my arm, I pull Christina into an embrace the moment I catch sight of her.

Shauna, Cara, Christina's mom and sister, and several women I don't know, but assume are involved in the wedding, are bustling about.

The bride is dressed in sweats and a tank top, but her hair falls in loose curls which her mother begins pinning up. Her wedding dress hangs near the window, catching the morning light and glowing subtly.

"How are you feeling?" I ask Christina, handing her mother another bobby pin.

"Nervous," she replies anxiously, "but excited."

"You'll do great. Happiest day of your life, right?" I smile.

She grins widely. "Right."

...

2 hours and half a dozen bobby pins later, Christina is ready. Her joy radiates out of her and she looks stunning. Cara, Shauna and I are also dressed to the nines.

My new cell phone, which I'm still trying to figure out, buzzes with a text from Tobias.

_Almost ready?_

I text back.

_Almost. See you soon._

We make our way downstairs, to the cars that will take us to the church. I asked Tobias to teach me how to drive, and he promised he would as soon as we return from Niagara Falls.

He texts me again, telling me they just arrived at the church venue. I can only hope his suit jacket is still intact.

When the cars pull to a stop before the church, we pick our way carefully up the walkway to avoid tarnishing our dresses.

The moment we step inside, Christina is whisked away, and the bridesmaids and I are left searching for the groomsmen.

We find them at the refreshment stand, Tobias and Caleb chatting while Zeke looks at the three pillar cake wistfully.

"Wow," Caleb and Tobias say in unison when they see us.

Zeke looks up.

"Wow," he chimes in.

I roll my eyes but smile.

"Wait till you see Christina," Cara jokes.

Some eyebrows - including mine - are raised when Caleb wraps an arm around her waist. Her eyes widen and she tries to hide her blush.

Tobias pulls me close, gently. He's been very wary when he touches me, held back by my still prominent injuries. "You look good, Tris," he whispers in my ear.

I shiver, remembering the first time he said those words to me.

"Any idea when-" Shauna's question is cut off when Amar's voice ruptures through the room. As per usual, he's good at getting people's attention.

"Attention! All guests, please take your seats! Wedding party, take your places! Let's have a marriage!" He announces.

Those around us burst into cheers and move towards their seats.

"That's us," I smile, taking Tobias's hand.

The six of us weave our way through the room until we arrive at our designated spot outside the closed double doors.

A few minutes later, Christina appears behind us and everyone hugs her as an unmarried woman for the last time. Her mother hands us our bouquets.

"Ready?" She asks breathlessly. We nod.

Tobias and I, being the best man and maid of honor, are the first ones out when the doors open and music fills the room.

For a moment I am panic stricken as I look at all the eyes staring right at me. I feel exposed, self conscious. For the briefest moment I consider turning around and running like hell.

But then Tobias's hand is on my back, and I remember where I am. Taking a deep breath, I clutch my flowers and we walk all the way down the aisle.

The wedding is quick, and the reception commences immediately after the obligatory congratulations from the guests and the photographer photographs us to her heart's desire.

The United States government may have stated that the factions are gone, but a simple statement from a faceless government is certainly not enough to uproot the way of thinking that has been imbedded into our minds. Likewise, the small group of Candor stick together and bluntly announce their distaste for an almost completely drunk Zeke. And the party itself is a true Dauntless one - alcohol, dangerous games, and activities that certainly shouldn't be happening in a church.

Zeke stumbles over to Tobias and I to offer a cup of alcohol that sloshes over the rim. Tobias takes it and pours it into a trash can when Zeke's back is turned.

He leads me to the refreshment stand and pours soda into two cups.

"Are we going juvenile tonight?" I smirk. Tobias usually drinks at least a little, if not just to be polite.

"We have to if I'm ever going to get on that plane," he replies, handing me a cup.

I take a sip. It's the same kind we drank on our 'first date'. I smile at the memory.

"You know we can drive if you want. It'll take longer, but so what? Plus, we can start my lessons," I remind him of his earlier promise.

He shakes his head. "I want to take the plane," he deadpans, offering no further words.

"Okay," I nervously take another sip and lean against the refreshment table.

"Hey Four!" Zeke slurs, approaching us again, alcohol in hand. He loses his balance and topples toward me, and in my failed attempt to move out of his way, I end up drenched in both my soda and his beer. He crashes into the table, sending bottles and cups flying. Glass shatters around our feet.

"What the hell, Zeke?!" Tobias shouts, yanking him onto his feet.

Zeke laughs. "Let's drink," he says slowly, reaching for another bottle.

"No. You've had enough," Tobias seethes, jaw clenched.

Zeke narrows his eyes. "He would... he would have had fun with me. Uri... Uriah would have liked this party."

I feel numb.

Even in his drunken state, the words seem to stab him like a knife. He groans, pulling his hands to his face, opening the bottle of alcohol, tipping it back, drinking it empty. I stare.

When he's finished, he looks overcome with rage, and throws the glass bottle towards the wall behind me. My quick reflexes tell me to duck before it can hit me, and my knees slam hard into the glass ridden floor, pain shooting through me. The bottle shatters behind me.

And then I'm on my feet, and Tobias is pulling me through the crowd.

When I look back, all I can see is Zeke's huge form crumpled to the floor like a vulnerable child, tortured sobs escaping him as he grabs another bottle and opens the lid.

...

Tobias storms down the hall of our apartment building. The hand that isn't grasping my arm is clenched in a fist, the veins in his neck throbbing.

He unlocks our door and runs his hands through his hair until his breathing is even.

I walk to him and wrap my arms around him, even though I'm soaked with alcohol and my knees are bloody and aching.

He folds me into his arms, face against my hair. "Are you okay?"

I nod. "I just need to clean up."

Tobias follows me into the bathroom. I turn on the shower so it will be hot when I'm ready to get in. I sit on the edge of the tub. He prepares a warm washcloth and hydrogen peroxide and dabs at my wounds. I suck in a sharp breath at the contact.

"I'm sorry this happened," he says quietly.

"Tobias... is Zeke becoming an alcoholic? Because of Uriah?" I ask.

He looks thoughtful. "I don't think so. This is the first time since he died that I've seen Zeke that drunk. Are you hurt anywhere else?"

I shake my head. "I miss him," I say. Tears sting the corners of my eyes, and I blink them back.

Tobias looks at me for a moment before joining me on the edge of the tub. We stare down at the tile.

"I miss him too."

We sit on the ghostly white tub, thinking about Uriah, until the steam from the shower gets too hot and my tears get too hot and Tobias's head is buried in his hands.


	18. Chapter 18

**(Tobias)**

I think that fear is the most cancerous and incapacitating emotion there is. It eats away at the best parts of us, cripples us from exploring our dreams, and pulls our focus away from where it should be.

Some people drink to feel happy. I drink to feel sad. Beer and my thoughts are the kryptonite for my sadness and fear, and that's how I clear my head. I drink and think and push the bruises of my fears to feel them more deeply once in awhile.

Thank God the best things happen when you're awake and sober though, and when you strip away a night of self-pity and a few beers, you find the clarity of hope. I like to think of hope as the place where realism and optimism meet, and that's where I begin each and every day. I choose hope over fear.

...

My stomach lurches when I see the airplane. Christina and Matthew walk into it carelessly and happily. Tris and I take slow steps toward it.

"It's okay," she reminds me. "Just relax. It'll be okay."

I swallow as we step aboard and the door slides shut behind us. My legs robotically carry me to our seats like stiff pieces of wood. Tris looks on worriedly.

She grasps my hand when an announcement sounds for take-off. I feel the blood drain from my face and my stomach twists and jumps and my breath hitches in my throat until we're flying.

My heart pounds in my ears as we go higher and higher. I try to distract myself from the fact that there are thousands of feet of empty space between me and the ground.

...

By the time we arrive at our destination an hour later, my knuckles are bone-white from gripping the armrests. I breathe in relief as we land safely in the airport near Niagara Falls. We say goodbye to Matthew and Christina (who appear very busy making out) and exit the plane to find a huge lobby and a small concrete bench. I sit down.

"We're not taking the plane back to the city," Tris says firmly.

I look at her standing in front of me, small and pale, brows furrowed, hands on hips. I crack a small smile - I can't help it.

"What?" she demands.

"Nothing," my smile widens. "Okay, we won't."

She huffs and begins relaying what Amar told us about finding a cab.

The task proves harder than expected, but after collecting our luggage and asking for help, we find a cab. Tris starts to tell the driver the name of the hotel she thinks we're staying in, but I cut her off and speak to the driver quietly.

Tris looks confused, but I manage to avoid her questions.

The driver brings us to our destination, and I awkwardly pay him like Amar told me to. We step out of the vehicle and look around.

"Okay... trees," Tris observes.

"And a path," I point out, leading her to a stone walkway that will take us to the place I have in mind.

She rolls her eyes as we descend the path.

"Where are we going? I thought we had a hotel," she says, wrapping her coat around her more tightly.

"It's a surprise," I reply simply.

She pesters me with questions for awhile longer, but eventually she states that she can hear water running.

"There it is," I say as we round a corner.

A quaint looking cottage sitting right next to a frozen, expansive lake, two small water falls flowing lazily into an icy river that flows away into the woods. The entire place is framed by enormous pine trees.

"Wow," Tris breathes, eyes wide.

"Do you like it?" I ask.

"I... how did you..." she gives me a look. "It's perfect," she says, rising onto her toes to kiss me.

"It's Christmasy, right?" I grin. She nods. Christmas is in one week, and Tris's birthday falls just four days later.

...

The cottage itself is warm and cozy and just as impressive as the outside. Tris and I want to go and see and do immediately, but our bodies are exhausted and have other plans. The last thing I comprehend before falling asleep is her soft voice saying, "It's snowing..."

The next thing I comprehend is waking in the darkness to her screams.


	19. Chapter 19

**(Tobias**)

"Tris!" I say frantically, gripping her arms when she starts tangling her hands into her hair.

Her screams turn to desperate gasps of air and choked sobs. I hold her and try to calm her down, but it takes a long time before she can speak.

"It was the same thing," she moans, "But this time Evelyn did it."

I lean back against the headboard, pulling her with me. Tris has been having nightmares ever since she went off of the medication the hospital had been giving her. They're all recurring scenarios from the simulation David put her under the month before; I, and her loved ones, dying in a multitude of ways. But she's never mentioned Evelyn being in the simulation.

"What do you mean?" I ask, smoothing her hair back, because I know she needs to talk about it.

"It was really dragged out. She kept finding different threats and acting like she was going to use them, and she suddenly just set off the death serum, and everyone died. You died. But I didn't," she says slowly.

I pull her closer and assure her that everything is okay, that no one is going to hurt us.

"Tobias," she says, half asleep. "She wasn't in the sim. I would have remembered. I dreamed that on my own..." And then she's gone, drifting off to what I hope are more pleasant dreams, with one final yawn.

As I lie awake that night, I wonder what my mother is truly capable of. With the majority of the factionless still faithfully by her side, she could start another rebellion if she chose to. And even if she did promise to lie low for the next 2 years, she's never been one to keep her promises.

...

**(Tris)**

"How may I help you?" a bored looking man asks when we approach the customer service desk. He slumps in his chair, chin in one hand.

"Stellar service," I mutter.

"I don't have all day," the man replies angrily.

"We're looking for John Wilson," Tobias says, ignoring both our attitudes.

I'm bewildered once again. Who's John Wilson?

"I'm John Wilson," the man responds, eyes narrowing in suspicion. "What do you want?"

Tobias looks surprised. "Amar told us to find you."

John Wilson suddenly becomes interested, sits up a little straighter, opens his eyes a little wider.

"Amar? I haven't seen him in awhile. How is he? What does he need?"

Tobias grins. "He said you could find us a boat."

...

Half an hour later, we find ourselves standing at the edge of a quiet shore. John shows us to a small rowboat.

"There she is," he waves at the boat dramatically. "Be sure to tie her up when you're done here," he walks away, leaving me to turn to Tobias, hands on hips.

"I thought we were going on a boat with a tourist group," I accuse, a small smile playing on my lips - because really, I much prefer the idea of the rowboat.

He shrugs. "I'm full of surprises."

"I've figured that out," I laugh and climb into the boat.

We row out slowly, and I wrap my coat around me tightly.

"So what do you want for our future?" Tobias asks suddenly. "I mean, if you want me in your future," he adds quickly.

"Haven't we talked about this before?" I tease, taking the oars to try my hand at rowing. The boat spins in circles.

"Not really, not completely," he replies. "What do you really want?"

I think for a moment.

"Cliché as it is, I hope someday when we're 70, we sit on a big front porch and drink iced tea," I smile.

He laughs. "Iced tea?"

"Yes!" I exclaim. "I don't know, I feel like being old and drinking iced tea on a porch is the epitome of couples who made it. And... I hope we make amazing memories, and I hope we never live a day where we don't say 'I love you.' Even if we don't say the actual words, a caring touch or a hug or a look - those things say 'I love you.' I hope we're safe. If we have kids someday, I hope they're safe, I hope war never touches them. I hope we're never suppressed into one category again. I hope we have a dog. I've always wanted one - a golden retriever. I hope we're happy. I hope we love each other. Me and you, every day. That's what I want," I say quietly, twirling a loose thread on my coat.

He brushes his fingertips against my shoulder. "Look, Tris," he grins softly.

I follow his gaze, and right before me are the waterfalls I have dreamed of seeing for weeks. Huge, roaring, wild, powerful. Beautiful. I can hardly breathe.

We sit there in the boat for a long time, soaking up the magnificence of the falls. And when we row back to shore, we settle into the sand. I lean against him and breathe him in, all pine and vanilla and ocean air, and I know I could be content with this forever.

He breaks the silence. "I want the same things."

I smile and lean into him more deeply.

He continues. "I hope I wake up to you every day. I hope that every morning, I get to see you all sleepy and bed-headed and drinking coffee and kiss your lips awake. I hope we have days where the sun shines and we have big adventures and small ones. I hope we have days where it's raining and we stay in bed all day, or go out and splash around in puddles like 3 year olds. I hope someday we watch our 3 year old run up and down this beach and love this place. I hope I see you smile every day, and fall asleep with you in my arms every night. Me and you, every day."

I swallow.

"I love you," I say.

He presses his lips to the top of my head. "I love you."

I don't know how long we stay like that, only that it feels like a long time and not long enough.

"We'll make them true," I promise when we stand to go.

"Me and you," he smiles down at me.

The waves lapping gently against the shore behind us, I stand on the tips of my toes to kiss him.

...

The next 2 days are nothing short of magical. Together, through trial and error, we learn to ice skate on the frozen cottage lake. We walk through the woods, swim in the cold ocean water, lay in our cottage and drink more coffee than we deem acceptable. It was _good_.

And when it's time to head back to Chicago, there is no doubt in my mind that we will return here many times in our future.

...

John gives us a car. Or rather, he let's us use the car because it's Amar's, left behind on some jaunt to Niagara Falls. And because I refuse to let Tobias ride the plane, that's how I find myself driving through the gates of our city 8 hours later.

As we enter the city, one of the Dauntless standing guard stops us.

"Find Amar," he says quietly, urgently, glancing at the other two guards to make sure they can't hear him. "Move along!" he says loudly.

I side glance at Tobias as we pass them, but his expression is unreadable.

There's an odd tension about the city, something out of balance. The few people that are outside walk quickly, with their heads down, occasionally bumping into each other and jumping out of their skin. Their boots crunch along the snow. The car we're in is essentially the only one in sight.

When we arrive at Amar's apartment, he's hunched over a truly explosive mess of papers on his desktop. When he sees us, he looks like he doesn't recognize us.

"Amar, what's going on?" Tobias demands.

Amar looks straight at him.

"Evelyn is back."

...

**(Tobias)**

I feel the acid rising up in my throat the moment Amar finishes his sentence.

"What?" I thunder, something between a stammer and a shout.

Amar stands. "She got here almost right after you two got on that plane, and she's raising hell looking for you. I'm surprised you even made it here without anyone seeing you - the Factionless are, naturally, back on her side. Tobias, she's quite insistent," he says, voice filling with concern on his last words.

"What does she want?" I ask, cautious.

"I don't know, but for God's sake, we need to find out. She's putting everyone on edge, scaring civilians. The factionless are shooting people in cold blood and getting away with it. Amity is too wound up to even come to the city or to let anyone on the farms, which means they're not transporting any food. The U.S government is turning a blind eye to the entire city. We're back at square one. This means trouble, Tobias," he warns.

"Get a message to her. Tell her to meet me at our apartment with no Factionless, weapons,or anything of the like," I tell him, pulling out my phone to send a message to Zeke.

And then, "Are you fucking kidding me?" Tris seethes, every word dripping with vexation.

I look at her, surprised. Her face is flushed in anger, fists in tight balls at her sides. She looks bigger than she is, her fury making her seem inflated.

"I'll just step out..." Amar exits the room, but I never break eye contact with Tris.

"What the hell are you thinking? The woman who played a huge role in the war that killed my parents; our friends? The one who swore she wouldn't come back for two years? She has the Factionless ready to start another damn war if that's what she wants. And you just want to let her come _traipsing into our home_ so you can chat about why she's hunting you down and terrorizing all these innocent people?" She's madder than I've ever seen her.

"Yes, Tris," I say carefully, walking on thin ice. "She's terrorizing innocent people, and that's going to continue until she says what she needs to say. And regardless of what she did or what she's doing, she's still my mother, and-" I don't see her slap coming, but I sure as hell feel it.

"No, Tobias. You don't get to say that. Sure, she gave birth to you, but what the hell does that mean to anyone else in this city? It means _nothing_. It means she might take over the city and they might get in her way and the factionless might shoot them for no reason other than that they bumped into her because they were too terrified to focus on where they were going. Or she might set a curfew and they'll be late getting home from work and shot on sight. But she's your _'mother,'_ so none of that matters. She's your '_mother_,' who fucking abandoned you when you were a little kid and left you with _Marcus_ to be beat and tortured for years. You meant _nothing_ to her, so why the hell is she so important to you now?"

I stare at her for a long minute. "I meant that she might listen to me or make a compromise," I say quietly.

She couldn't have hurt me more if she had slapped me a hundred times.

She runs her hands through her hair aggressively. Her face falls in remorse.

**(Tris)**

"Tobias," I say on a shaky exhale, all of my anger replaced with guilt. "I..." What am I going to say? I was terrible to him, this good person who I love with everything inside of me, this soul who brings me coffee and makes me smile on my most awful days. There's no excuse in the world.

But he's already exiting the apartment, so fast, like maybe I'm on fire and I'm just too ignorant to notice and save myself.

...

I find myself at Christina's apartment later. Her face, bright and eager to tell me about her honeymoon, quickly changed to worry when I showed up looking like hell.

I try my best to tell her what happened without revealing too much.

She sighs when I'm finished.

"You fucked up."

I nod sullenly.

"Why did you say those things?"

I pull hard at the roots of my hair, a new habit I've picked up when I'm stressed, which feels like all the time lately.

"I don't know. I was so damn mad, and I wasn't thinking about what I was saying. It was like there was no filter between my mouth and my mind. It was so stupid. I was so _stupid_."

"Give him some space for awhile," she rubs my back. "And when you have, you need to apologize. And not some half-ass apology. You need to really apologize."

I nod. She hugs me.

...

When I cross the hall to mine and Tobias's apartment that night, I find him sound asleep. On the couch.

My heart pounds inside my chest, my stomach drops. I stumble, dizzy and blind, through the dark until I reach our bedroom.

That night, my nightmares do not consist of my loved ones being killed. Instead, they consist of me hurting my loved ones so deeply that they leave me, forever, at their own volition.

There is no one to hold me when my screams pierce the still night.

...

**A/N: ...I'm sorry. But I'm going to ask you to trust me. Please review!**


	20. Chapter 20

**(Tobias)**

As soon as I hear our bedroom door slam shut, I throw a couch pillow across the room, furious. Thankfully it doesn't break anything, though frankly, I wouldn't care if it did.

I'm mad at my mother, my father, Tris, myself, these damn couch pillows that Tris arranged so nicely.

I try to control my breathing and calm down, but eventually I head downstairs with my laptop to get a coffee at the 24 hour café in our building.

The barista cocks an eyebrow at me. "Hard night?"

"Kind of," I mutter, taking my coffee and sitting at a table.

I open the laptop and check my inbox. I half expect to find a surplus of messages from Evelyn, but fortunately she doesn't know my email. There is something from Amar, though.

_I got that message to Evelyn. She wants to meet the day after Christmas, at 6 PM, your apartment. She promised to control her factionless until then._

I sigh and run my fingers through my hair. I know that Tris doesn't want me to talk to Evelyn, but this is the only way to make her simmer down, leave the city alone. And particularly, this is the only way for me to keep Tris and our people safe, which is my top priority, always.

So I reply with an okay.

When I come back upstairs and shut the door to our apartment behind me, I stop. I listen.

I can hear Tris whimpering from our bedroom, and immediately, I know what happened.

I creep closer to the door, hear her breathing heavily. When she appears to fall back to sleep, I enter the room quietly, slipping my arms around her small body, pressing my lips to the back of her neck. She doesn't stir, but I know she woke up screaming while I was downstairs.

"I'm sorry," I whisper. "I'm here now."

...

I slip out of bed before the sun rises.

I quickly make some toast - peanut butter - and leave 2 slices for Tris. A peace offering, though my pain is still deep.

Afterwards, I head to Amar's apartment again. He'd told me that there was an "important meeting" to be held this morning.

When I walk in, I find Amar, Tori, George, Zeke, Harrison, and Johanna already seated on the couches in the living room.

"Okay, we're all here," Zeke says, exasperated. "Why?"

Amar sits up straighter. "We need to bring the factions back."

Immediately, we all burst into chaos, protesting loudly.

"Quiet down!" Amar booms. We obey. He straightens his shirt. "This city needs some order. Tobias is going to speak with Evelyn and hopefully... diffuse her. But we need to make sure that nothing like this ever happens again. Before the war, the government and control in this city was shaky, easily blown down by a corrupt Erudite. What I'm suggesting is this: the factions simply need to come back, but as shadows of their former selves. The city is falling apart without some kind of organization. So the factions need to exist at the very least. There will be no more aptitude tests or '_faction before blood_' nonsense. All factions will be allowed to intermingle, be friends, see family, marry people from other factions. And I would like to personally ask you all to be part of the new council. This is all open for discussion and suggestion," he concludes, looking at all of us.

I try to wrap my head around it all.

"What will the functions of the factions be?" Johanna asks.

We debate this for the next hour and finally settle on a skeleton of a plan for the city.

Dauntless will be chiefly in charge of policing and jobs of the sort, Amity in food production, Abnegation in projects, building, and advising, Candor in the legal system and media, and Erudite in medical staff and research.

In the end, we all seem to accept the idea. I almost feel excited.

Tori and Harrison agreed to join the council at the conclusion of our meeting - the rest of us need time to think.

...

**(Tris)**

I smile softly at my toast. I eat one piece at the table.

Suddenly, I recall a morning when my father made toast for breakfast; but he made it with white bread. In Abnegation, where bland food was considered selfless, we only ate whole wheat bread. White bread was symbiotic and I was almost scared to eat it. On this particular morning, my father announced in a hushed tone that today was special. It was my birthday.

Pain rips at me like it does every time I think about my mother and father.

_I want my parents_, I think hopelessly, pointlessly. Uselessly; until a thought occurs to me.

If I can't have them, I want to go back home, even for just a few minutes.

I stand, taking my second piece of toast with me as I open the front door, intent on doing just that. I don't account for the fact that I crash into Christina, who's running right for my door.

"Tris!" she screams.

"Christina, what the hell?! What's going on?!" I exclaim in panic.

Her face is glorious, smiling, tears streaking down her cheeks.

"Tris," she sobs. "Uriah woke up."

...

I stare at her. "Uriah is dead," I whisper. "They pulled the plug on him."

Christina's smile falters, and she looks at me in confusion. "Tris... no," she leads me into her apartment. "No one told you and Tobias?"

"What?" I question. "_What_? What, Christina?"

"Zeke and Hana decided not to. I can't believe you didn't know," her voice cracks on her last word. "He woke up, Tris. He woke up," she sobs.

I drop my toast. My eyes widen, my mouth, and I fall into her arms, tears spilling.

We sit on the couch, a tangle of limbs and hair and tears.

"Can we... see him?" I choke out, in shock.

"Hana just found out a few minutes ago, but she can't get ahold of Zeke, and Shauna said he's not in their apartment. We just have to find Zeke and we can go," she smiles.

"Tobias isn't here either. I'm going to call him," I say, both of us still crying. I shakily dial his number, and he doesn't pick up until the fifth ring.

"Hello?" he says, void flat of emotion.

"Tobias?"

"Tris?" his voice becomes worried, his disinterested façade dropping. "Why are you crying? What's going on?"

"Tobias, is Zeke with you?" I ask.

"Yes, but what's happening?"

I laugh. True, bubbly, joyful little girl laughter. "Both of you need to come to Matthew and Christina's right now," I hang up and sit back, laughter and tears mixing as Matthew rushes in to tell us that Hana is on her way.

...

**(Tobias)**

Zeke and I run. Quick as lightning, up the stairs, into Christina's place.

"Tris," I say immediately.

"Tobias," she's smiling and crying, and I wrap her in my arms, not caring for the moment that we're having a tiff.

"What's going on?" I ask, pressing her body as close to mine as possible.

She just sobs happily into my chest.

"Mom, why are you here? What's happening?" Zeke asks his mother.

"Sweetheart," she sobs. "Your brother woke up."

...

We all pile into Hana's minivan - all of our people, our whole village. Hana, Tris, Zeke, Shauna, Matthew, Christina, Caleb, Cara, Amar, George, Tori, Johanna and I. Even those who didn't know him as well nearly fainted with joy at the good news and were eager to come along.

When we get to the hospital, the medical staff are profusely stunned at our large party. They let us in two at a time, allowing Zeke and Hana to be with him the whole time.

When they allow Tris and I to go in, we walk down the excessively long hall. She's right next to me, and I have an arm around her waist, but she feels miles away. We both try to ignore the tension between us, because this is about Uriah, not us.

As if reading my thoughts, she suddenly turns on her heel to look me in the eye.

"Why are you being nice to me? I don't deserve that," she finally cracks, the agitation getting the better of her.

I give her a small smile. "We can talk about that later," I reply, turning her around gently. "Let's go see Uri."

...

**(Tris)**

Uriah is smiling at his brother and holding his mom's hand when we walk in. He's lost weight, he looks sick, and he's hooked to a million machines; but his smile is so fully himself that it sends me to tears again.

Uriah spots us. His smile widens.

"Hey, kid," he croaks. "Don't cry," he holds his arms out and I fall into his embrace carefully.

"I missed you so much," I sob.

"Don't get too soft on me. You're Dauntless," he ruffles my hair. "I missed you too."

I stand up laughing, wiping my tears. Tobias goes in to hug Uriah and I smile at him too.

By the time we have to leave and let Christina come in, I think I might burst from happiness.

...

Caleb stops me in the waiting room. I give him a smile as he pulls me to the side.

"I have to tell you something," he says, all giddy excitement.

"Go ahead," I laugh.

"Cara is pregnant. And we're getting married," he has tears in his eyes.

For one full second, the world stops spinning. I almost choke on my breath. "Oh my God, Caleb," I say softly, mouth falling open as he folds me into his arms.

I never expected this from my brother, the boy who always follows the rules and traditions and _how-it's-supposed-to-be_'s. He's marrying Cara. He's going to be a dad.

My shock eventually turns to happiness, and I smile as I hug him tightly. Caleb will be a _great_ dad.

...

We get to visit with Uriah one more time before heading home that night. On the car ride back, Tobias and I sit in the back row, arms wrapped around each other. Seeing Uriah diffused much of the tension between us for the night.

He tells me about where he went this morning. He tells me about Amar's plan to start a new, improved, wonderful system that's efficient and safe. I tell him about my plan to visit my house in Abnegation.

When we get home, we eat more toast and finally put up our Christmas tree, 4 days before show time. And, to my surprise, Tobias climbs into bed with me afterwards.

We still have a long way to go. I know how badly I hurt him, and I don't know how I'm going to make it right, but we need each other tonight. I snuggle closer to him - he presses a kiss to my neck.

Uriah is alive. Christina is married. We've seen Niagara Falls and fallen more deeply in love there. Chicago is changing for the better. Caleb is engaged. Cara is pregnant. I'm going to be an aunt. Tobias and I are okay. Christmas is 4 days away, and we have so much to be grateful for.

I fall asleep in Tobias's arms, warm and secure.

I don't have a single nightmare that night.


	21. Chapter 21

**(Tris)**

"Please, Amar?" I ask for the fourth time, my voice edging into that dangerous place of _whining_.

"Tris, you know the city is-"

I cut him off. "Yeah, I do know, but as long as you're bringing the factions back, it makes sense to try and establish this too, right? Can you at least try?"

He looks at me.

"_Please_?" I repeat for good measure.

He sighs. "Okay, Tris."

"Thank you so much! Thank you! This is so... I'm... thank you," I grin.

He smiles and shoos me away. I join Christina, Cara, and Shauna.

We all ended up in Zeke and Shauna's apartment today - it's as though we need to be together constantly this week. Zeke is on the phone with a pizza place (_"do you guys want pepperoni or extra cheese?"_), Tobias and Caleb are talking on the other side of the room (from the looks of it, Tobias is not enjoying himself), Amar, George, Tori, and Johanna are having a meeting of sorts in the kitchen (now that I've stopped hounding Amar), and Hana is walking around the living room, cleaning anything in sight.

"So this is the baby?" Christina asks, holding up Cara's sonogram prints. "Why does it look like a blob?"

"It's only the size of a bean right now," Cara explains. "It'll look more like a baby in about 4 weeks."

"What are you hoping for?" I inquire, sitting next to her. I steal a glance at Tobias, who meets my eye, his brows furrowed and an annoyed look on his face. He turns back to Caleb and says something.

"I've always imagined myself with a girl first," Cara replies with a smile. "But I'll be just as happy with a boy."

Caleb is making elaborate gestures with his hands, and Tobias looks like he wants to break his neck.

"Just a minute," I murmur and stand as Shauna launches into another question.

"That's really fucking ironic coming from you," Tobias seethes as I approach.

"Look, I'm worried about her. It's not like you've known each other for all that long. I just don't know how well Tris can make her own choices, and-" Caleb begins.

"Pretty damn well," I interrupt, stepping between the two.

Caleb looks shocked. "Tris, I..." he trails off. He silently begs me to say something.

We stand there. We breathe. I can hear the hum and clatter of the apartment all around us.

I imagine letting him dangle there infinitely, a hanged man, but in the end, I'm the one who breaks first.

"That's just great," I say quietly, and leave the apartment.

...

I don't realize that I forgot my key until Tobias is walking down the hall after me, and I'm jangling the knob uselessly.

I step back and let him use his key.

"I'm sorry he said those things to you," I say.

The door swings open and we walk in.

"He's just looking out for you. He makes me mad as hell, but I'm glad he cares about you," he replies with a sigh.

"I feel like one second I love him, and the next, I can't stand him," I groan.

After a while, Tobias looks at me.

I stare back.

"Tris, Evelyn wants to come here the day after Christmas to tell us something. It's important for me to know to keep you and our friends safe, and I want you there when she says it. The day after Christmas," he repeats, looking down.

I slowly walk closer to him, until we're inches apart. He looks up and meets my eyes.

"Are you asking me or telling me?" I say softly.

"Asking you," he breathes.

Slowly, I nod. "Okay," I whisper.

**...**

**(Tobias)**

Christina and Zeke took it upon themselves to take us all with them to find gifts for each other - the girls with Christina, the guys with Zeke. And truthfully, I'm thankful, because I haven't had time to buy the gifts I have in mind for Tris. I have her birthday gift ready and safe for next week, but Christmas is a different story.

_"My birthday is coming up. I don't need anything for Christmas,"_ she'd said before we left the house; but there's something I really want her to have.

After I find Tris's gift, I search for gifts for our friends. I come up with soap for Zeke and a candle for Christina, but I deem my purchases good enough.

**...**

**(Tris)**

I walk into chaos when I open my front door that night, shopping bags slung over the crooks of my elbows.

The smoke detector is beeping loudly, and the smell of smoke immediately invades my lungs and throws me into a coughing fit.

"Tris!" Tobias throws his jacket over what I assume to be my Christmas gift, and waves the broom wildly at the smoke detector. The floor is littered with crumpled wrapping paper.

"What happened?" I yell, covering my ears. Tobias thrusts the broom at the smoke detector once more, and it turns off.

"I was trying to wrap your present and I burned dinner," he heaves, trying to catch his breath.

I open all the windows, and the smell of smoke eventually vanishes.

"Do you want toast again?" Tobias calls from the kitchen.

"That works," I call back, settling on the floor with the gifts for my friends. I keep Tobias's hidden in its bag.

He emerges from the kitchen with two plates of toast. He hands me a plate before sitting next to me with his own purchases.

"For God's sake," I mutter, trying to tape the wrapping paper around Shauna's gift.

"This is impossible," Tobias decides.

"I agree. I bought a lot of gift bags too," I pull them out and hand him some.

When all the gifts are bagged, we sit in silence for awhile until I gather up my courage.

"Tobias?"

"Hm?" he looks at me.

I take a shaky breath. "I'm so sorry."

"Tris-"

"I'm so sorry. I was so careless and stupid and dramatic, and I completely disregarded your feelings because I was mad, and it was cruel and brutal and selfish. You are so good to me, and you're so patient and caring and wonderful, and you make me toast and you worry about wrapping paper and I love you so much, and there will never be any version of reality where I deserve you, and-"

He kisses me, stopping my words, my breath. I'm shocked for a moment, but then the relief comes, surges through me like a tidal wave, and I kiss him back.

He pulls away gently, his thumbs stroking my cheeks, and I hug him, whispering one last, "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," he murmurs.

We stand and put all of our bags under the tree, with the intent of delivering them to their recipients the following day.

We finish eating our toast.


	22. Chapter 22

**(Tobias)**

On Christmas morning, I awaken to the most amazing smell I've ever come into contact with.

I stretch and immediately make my way to the kitchen. Tris is in her pajamas, spreading icing over cinnamon buns, her back to me.

I wrap my arms around her waist and kiss her neck - she jumps before realizing who it is.

"Merry Christmas to you," she says. I can hear the smile in her voice.

"Mmm," I hum in response, still kissing her neck.

The knife clatters onto the counter when I nip at a particularly sensitive spot, and I take that as my cue to do it again.

"Tobias," she gasps, suddenly breathless. I move towards her collarbone. "I'm going to have to... wear... scarves for a week if you don't stop," she says, a moan behind her voice.

I kiss my way up until I turn her around and reach her lips, my hands sliding beneath her shirt.

"Later," she promises, breaking away. "I made cinnamon buns."

I laugh and kiss her one more time. "Well, in that case."

...

"I can't believe you've hidden these from me for so long," I accuse, digging into my third bun.

"My mom used to make them only on Christmas!" she exclaims, putting her finger between her lips to lick the icing off.

"First of all, please don't put your finger in your mouth, because I'm already in the mood and that just encourages me to take you into that bedroom," I say, and she bursts into laughter and does it again. I catch her fingers in mine. "And second of all..." I lick the icing off of her fingers myself. "...'only Christmas' can not happen around here because these are too damn good." I finish off my cinnamon bun and start in on my fourth.

"No!" she laughs. "These are strictly for Christmas mornings."

I groan my displeasure, and 3 cinnamon buns later, we make our way into the living room.

Tris yawns. "Okay, open yours first," she smiles brightly and hands me a gift bag.

Inside is a framed picture of Tris and I at Christina's wedding. It's unposed, casual, full of joy and laughter. We're in a field, my hand is on her back, and the evening light is catching her hair and making everything golden. Her head is tipped back in laughter, her eyes closed, and I'm looking at her like she's holding the universe together. She is.

"This is beautiful," I say, and I'm surprised when my voice is choked with emotion. I pull her close to me and stare at the gift for a long time. "Thank you, Tris."

"And, significantly less meaningful..." she pushes the bag towards me, and I look inside to find a coat, a scarf, and a hat. I laugh and pull them out.

"It's cold," she shrugs.

I kiss her in thanks. "I love you."

"I love you too," she smiles.

"Okay, here," I lean across her and grab her gift bag, hand it to her.

She looks inside, excited, and pulls out the long rectangular box. She opens it carefully.

A silver band on a silver chain, with several roman numerals engraved.

"The day we met," she recognizes the numbers - the date - immediately.

She looks at it for as long as I stared at the picture, and I'm surprised when I catch tears dripping from her eyes.

"Aw, Tris," I laugh, pulling her into my arms.

"Thank you," she sniffles. "Sorry," she wipes her eyes.

I help her put the necklace on.

"And, slightly less meaningful," I laugh, and she reaches into her bag and pulls out the camera I bought for her.

"Oh my God, Tobias," she exclaims. "Thank you so much," she kisses me excitedly, and I kiss her cheek when she holds the camera at arms length to take a picture of us - the only picture we have from our first Christmas together.

...

"Tris, I'm so sorry. And you, Tobias. I'm sorry," Caleb says guiltily when we all visit Uriah at the hospital that evening. "I know you're both smart and responsible, and I'm sorry."

Tris and I share a look.

"It's okay," she says at the same time I say, "you're fine."

He smiles and hugs Tris.

...

I go into Uriah's room alone.

"Hey, Uri," I say, sitting in the chair next to his bed.

"Hey," he says. "Pass me those pretzels?"

I do so, and ask how he's doing - he should be home in another week.

"Listen, Uriah," I finally sigh. "I have to tell you something."

He looks at me curiously. "Go ahead."

I take a deep breath.

"That day... the day of the explosion. I was bitter. About _genes_, of all things. And I joined up with people who had been bitter for a long time, and I risked the lives of everyone I care about because I was upset, like a little boy throwing a tantrum. It was the stupidest, most thoughtless thing I've ever done. I..." I pause, swallow. "I set off that explosion. It's my fault you're in here. It's my fault you almost died. And I am so sorry," I finish. I can't look at his eyes, and for awhile we just sit there in the silence, the machines beeping quietly.

"Tobias... I forgive you. It's okay. You were mad and you had no one to turn to, and I know you never meant for me to get hurt. I mean, granted, it was stupid as hell and cowardly to boot, but still. You didn't want this. You're sorry. There was no malice there. I forgive you," he says.

Months of guilt fall away from me in that moment, as I embrace him and thank him.

It feels like a cycle of apologizing this week, everyone fixing their relationships with each other and wanting to be together and surrounded by their loved ones. And really, that's what the holidays are about.

...

"I can't believe I have to wait a year before I get to eat that again," I say in mock sadness as I finish the last cinnamon bun.

"Sorry," Tris smiles. She pauses. "When is she going to be here?"

"6 PM," I reply.

She looks thoughtful. "What do you think she wants to say?"

"I have no idea," I sigh.

She suddenly smiles at me playfully - and suggestively.

She makes her way over to me and sits on my lap, draping her arms loosely around my neck.

"There's still a lot of icing left," she breathes, kisses me. "If you want to pick up where we left off."

That's enough for me to carry her to our bedroom, where we fall apart under each other's touch.

...

The next morning feels heavy, full of dread.

I distract myself by pouring myself into my work; city plans and the media we'll be utilizing to announce them.

Tris finds other ways to distract herself - she does laundry. A lot of it. Every scrap of cloth that she can find, she takes it downstairs to the utility room in our building.

When I go down to check on her, she's biting her nails and watching the machine cycle.

By the time 6 o'clock rolls around, my work has long since been completed, the laundry is ironed, and the only thing we can think about is Evelyn, as she walks through our door.


	23. Chapter 23

**(Tobias)**

Evelyn sighs.

"I really thought we would be doing this in private, Tobias. These are private matters of discussion, and-"

"Tris stays. If you can't say it with her here, you might as well just go now," I interrupt.

With another sigh, she sits on the edge of the couch adjacent to Tris and I, the coffee table between us.

"Well, alright. How are you, Tris?"

"Fine," Tris says flatly.

Evelyn nods. We all look at each other. We breathe. This is not how I imagined this going.

"For the last two months," Evelyn begins, "I have been on the western side of this state. I had someone with me, but I'll get to that later. While I was there, I learned that Marcus was looking for me; specifically, me and the person I was with. I tried hiding, moving, running, but he found me every time. I came back to Chicago because I soon learned that he's looking for all of us. Once he finds me and does God knows what, he plans to invade this city to find you. I don't want you to get hurt, Tobias; or even you, Tris. And I can't let my... traveling companion be hurt," she says.

"Who is your traveling companion?" I ask cautiously.

She takes a deep breath and turns towards our front door.

"Come in now, honey," she calls.

Slowly, the door opens to reveal a small boy. Tris and I sit up straighter.

"Come here," Evelyn smiles. The boy walks to her, eyeing me and Tris with fear.

We watch each other, the boy and I.

"Who's this?" I ask quietly.

"Tobias..." Evelyn wraps an arm around the child. "This is your brother."

...

My brother looks at his shoes, grips onto our mother's shirt tightly.

"My _brother_?" I repeat.

Evelyn nods. "When I supposedly 'died' in childbirth... well, that hoax encompassed his life too," she says. "Ethan, say hello," she encourages the little boy.

He looks up at me for a fraction of a second, but it's enough for me to note that we both have Marcus's eyes, and his are full of tears.

"Ethan..." I say, then look at Evelyn. "Ethan Eaton?"

"Johnson," she corrects. "Ethan Johnson. He has my last name."

Ethan looks at me again, nervously, then switches his gaze to Tris.

"Hi, Ethan," she smiles gently.

He opens his mouth, then closes it, then opens it again.

"Hi," he says softly.

**...**

**(Tris)**

After filling both mugs, I set the kettle on the stove. The narrow spout spurts an extra whistle, making my shoulders drift even further toward my ears. Inhaling a calming breath of chamomile and Earl Grey, I clasp both mugs by their handles and tiptoe to the kitchen table.

"So, what did you want to know?"

I place the chamomile in front of Evelyn, seated stock-still at the head of the table. The older woman lays her manicured fingertips around the warming ceramic, heat or steam seeming to plump her dried skin. The supposed comfort, however, fails to ease the tension in each blanched knuckle.

"The little things," Evelyn drums against the mug, her rings clinking against the Dauntless symbol printed there. "You've been with Tobias for what? Eight months now and I'm not sure I really know you."

"It's only been six, actually."

I sit across from Evelyn's purse where a stuffed bear - no doubt Ethan's toy - pokes out from the zippered opening. Peering at the toy's beady eyes, I wonder if the bear wants a cup of tea too, perhaps with something stronger added. I reach for the sugar bowl instead, though my fingers itch for the whiskey in the cupboard.

Evelyn hums, the disapproving sound she makes when someone corrects her. "Six? It's been so long it's hard to keep count without some solid dates."

The jab at the lack of a wedding ring on my hand washes over me, sliding along its well-worn route.

"It's up to me and Tobias to remember. I wouldn't expect it of anyone else," I dump a teaspoon of sugar into my mug, then briskly add another two.

"I didn't know you took sugar with your tea."

"Just Earl Grey."

Evelyn lays a hand on my forearm, the toasting from the chamomile seeping through the sleeve of my sweatshirt.

"See Tris, it's those little things I feel like I've missed picking up. We see so little of one another."

"You haven't exactly been around much, and you and Ethan must be so busy-"

"Bah, you make time for family. Family's blood."

The visceral edge to the statement makes me shiver. Visions of unfolded clothes and the dirty plates in the sink swirl in my sight, reminding me of the files in the bedroom that Amar wanted me to look over. Taking a sip, I hope the tea might ward off the nag of work and leave Evelyn room to find a point to her rambling. I hear Tobias chuckle from the living room, where he and Ethan are "getting to know each other," the way Evelyn and I apparently are.

Evelyn cups her mug again. "What I'm saying is, when things get tough, family is who you can depend on. You've been with Tobias long enough, you're one of us."

I can't decide whether to be flattered or insulted and settle for the space in between. The foundation seems cracked, however, and I creep onto it with delicate steps.

"Are things tough, Ms. Johnson?" I use her formal name, despite the lack of respect I have for her.

Evelyn's bubbling laugh hits an octave I didn't think she could reach anymore, and then the other woman's gaze plummets into her tea.

"Tobias said you were sharp. Said he liked how intelligent you are."

Tobias has complimented me on my mind before, one honed by years of studying the needs of others and helping them unselfishly, and the library of textbooks stuffed onto our shelves, but Evelyn sounds more surprised than impressed. The barrier between compliment and insult thins, but I work up an amenable grin.

"Thanks."

"I suppose that means I should get on with it before you figure things out yourself."

Evelyn snatches her purse. The reach tugs the sleeve of her blouse, revealing a fresh wrapping of gauze around her forearm. Thick cotton bulges beneath medical tape and I think I spy a ruddy stain of dried blood. Evelyn seems to pay it no mind, so I keep my mouth shut, letting the older woman continue driving the conversation like she has from the start of her visit.

"Before I came to the city, Ethan and I were hiding in an alley, and I was packing up his toys and socks, but then Marcus found us. He started waving a knife at me," she says shakily.

With the purse in her lap, Evelyn wiggles out the stuffed bear and tosses the fabricated animal onto the table. The limp body grazes the hardwood, its one plush foot paired with a severed leg.

"I tried to defend myself with... this," Evelyn titters. "I screamed, and one of the men nearby wrestled him away, and Ethan and I were able to escape," she strokes the bandage before smoothing her satin sleeve and lifting her chin.

"I've never been the most graceful of people. He'd cut off the damn thing's leg before I realized I was bleeding."

Complications and the scientific names of bacteria swirl into my mind. "You should have it looked at."

Evelyn shoos away my concern. "I've bandaged up worse for Tobias."

My heart stops. I imagine all the times Marcus beat him, all the times Evelyn had to help him, all the times he couldn't go to a hospital.

"I can't say the same for the bear," she adds.

Taking another sip, I search the toy's eye again, this time for a diversion.

Evelyn plops her purse back onto the adjoining chair and resumes her rigid grip on the mug. "I'm not sure if Tobias has told you, but a long, long time ago, Marcus was a detective in Candor. He knows how to track people down."

Gulping my mouthful, I keep myself still, and slowly shake my head.

"But then everything changed. He transferred to Abnegation. You know the story: you meet someone, you get married, you buy a house, you start having kids."

I force a smile as I sit, unwed, in our apartment, without a pet, let alone a child, in sight.

With a sigh, Evelyn fingers the bear's downy ear. She fades into a contemplative silence, one the cycling fridge interrupts before I reclaim my nerve.

"So you think he'll find you here?"

With a rapid flutter of her mascara-laden lashes, Evelyn surfaces from wherever the stuffed animal had taken her. "Precisely. That's why I need your help."

I sit back. "My help?"

"Perhaps you can ask Amar if there's an apartment I can stay in with Ethan for awhile; and for the Dauntless guards and police to keep a careful eye out for Marcus... I'd hoped you'd have some kind of persuasion with him," Evelyn presses her lips together and clasps her mug close.

Rubbing at my temple, I seek a verbal escape slide. "I can ask."

Evelyn's face brightens and I hold up a warning hand.

"I can't promise anything. And who knows, maybe by then this will all have cleared up."

Spinning her mug, Evelyn peers at the contents with disdain. "I feel a little selfish now. Bothering you with this."

"It's not a bother. I feel…honored."

Evelyn risks wrinkles with the depth of her frown. "Honored?"

"You trusted me with something personal, something delicate."

Her brow clears and the tension in her shoulders ebbs as her self-confidence reappears. "I guess I did."

"Tris!" Tobias calls from the living room, and I spring up, the chair's legs scraping the tile.

"Just a second," I say lamely, but I accept Evelyn's nod and skitter into the living room, hoping to find some respite in his presence.

"Ethan wants to meet you officially," Tobias says, and then, seeing the look on my face, "What's wrong? Is everything okay?"

"Besides your mother wanting an apartment from Amar and the Dauntless guarding her around the clock," I hiss when he walks to me, "everything's peachy."

Tobias frowns. "You're kidding me."

"Can we tell her-"

"Tell me what?"

At Evelyn's prim tone, I grab Tobias's arm. His smile blooms as he looks past me and I release him as he steps by.

"Did you have a nice talk?" he asks her.

She embraces him with a squeeze on both his biceps, and he hugs her back, albeit awkwardly.

"What did you have to tell me, Tobias?" she smiles.

"That we're going to pick you up on Friday," he lies automatically, impressively.

Evelyn's speculative gaze darts between Tobias and I. "For what?"

"To celebrate Tris's birthday with us," Tobias says.

Her face glows with a sudden smile and age seems to fall from her in waves. "You want me along?" she beams at me.

I force a smile. "Of course."

Evelyn snatches Tobias's nose and wiggles it back and forth. "That's sweet of you two."

"Now," Tobias rubs his reclaimed nose. "I don't want to interrupt you two, but Ethan wants to meet Tris."

"I was just on my way out... do you think you can watch him for awhile?" Evelyn asks.

"Of course," Tobias and I say in unison.

"Thank you, kids. And now, if you two are taking me out on Friday, I better find something to wear." I spread my grin when Evelyn turns my way. "Any suggestions?"

"Something that'll knock socks off."

Evelyn smirks. "That I can do... Have a good time, Ethan. I love you."

Ethan smiles. "I love you too, Mommy."

Stepping aside, I allow access to the front door.

With her hand on the knob, Evelyn stops and pivots. "Do you like shopping, Tris?"

"I…um…"

Tobias sets a hand on my shoulder. "Of course she does."

Keeping my glare reined, I force deeper dimples.

"Then are you free tomorrow?"

A litany of excuses tumbles through my mind. The pending files I brought home, the hopeless laundry folding, and the myriad of other errands scheduled for tomorrow aligned, tempting me to say no.

Laying a hand on the wall, beneath our pictures from Christina's wedding, I brace myself for the repercussions of the truth. "I am free. I can come by, say 11?"

Evelyn grins in Cheshire cat proportions. "That'll be perfect."

Her smile makes me uncomfortable, and I feel like a pawn in someone else's game, one I have no choice but to play. "I guess I'll see you then."

"Excellent, lunch will be on me."

Evelyn nods in farewell to her sons, and then departs for her waiting sedan - I have no idea how she has all these luxuries.

When the door closes, I press my forehead against the panel and latch the bolt, ensuring it stays shut.

"I can't believe she roped me into that."

Tobias massages my shoulders. "It'll be fine."

"She's going to keep hounding me for help."

"Then help her find something, I don't know, eye catching. It'll take her mind off of it and make her feel good."

I spin around and raise my eyebrows. "You want me to help your mother find something sexy?" I say in astonishment.

"And if you see something for yourself," Tobias's smile spreads.

"Right, because after a day shopping with your mother I'll really be in the mood," I scoff.

"Stranger things have happened."

Rolling my eyes, I storm for the kitchen, where two half-drunk mugs, evidence of a conversation no doubt to be revived between clothing racks and changing rooms, wait.

When I emerge from the kitchen, I smile my first real smile in an hour as I say, "Hi, Ethan," for the second time today. "I'm Tris."

**...**

**A/N: Please review! :)**


	24. Chapter 24

**(Tris)**

"Do you like macaroni?" Tobias asks Ethan, awkwardly shifting from one foot to the other.

At Ethan's nod, Tobias moves toward the kitchen. "Do you want macaroni, Tris?"

"I'll pass on the macaroni."

"Your loss," Tobias teases. "Chicken noodle soup for you."

"Better," I smile.

Ethan grins at our exchange and swings his feet.

"So how old are you?" I ask, smiling back at him.

"Nine," he beams. "I turned nine last week. How old are you?" His voice is sweet and innocent, and his bright eyes - replicas of Tobias's - are wide and curious.

"I turn seventeen next week," I reply.

Ethan nods again. "Why don't you like macaroni?"

My smile spreads, and I lean towards him. "To tell you the truth," I whisper, "I just don't like the way Tobias makes it. Too cheesy."

He giggles happily, like I've told him something secret and important.

I sit back. "He makes really good chicken noodle soup, though."

"I'm the soup master," Tobias walks out of the kitchen, waving a large serving spoon around, and sits next to me. "Tris is the french toast master."

I nod. "I do make delicious french toast."

"Hey, kid, where are you going?" Tobias asks as Ethan hops off the couch.

He makes his way across the room, his small sneakers tapping against the hardwood. Stooping next to a small bag that I hadn't noticed before, he pushes aside a toy car and a box of animal crackers before finding what he's looking for - a book.

He hugs it close to his chest as he walks back to us, his eyes flitting nervously between me and Tobias, who has a small smile on his face.

"Can you read this?" He asks shyly, revealing the cover of a _Magic Treehouse_ book.

Tobias's smile grows. "Well that's a chapter book, so we can't read all of it, but we can definitely read some. Who do you want to read?"

"Take turns," Ethan smiles.

"Okay," Tobias laughs. "Tris, why don't you start while I go get the macaroni?"

"Sounds good," I reply.

Ethan wiggles onto the couch, right next to me, and I read aloud the first chapter.

When Tobias reappears, macaroni and soup in hand, Ethan grins up at him and excitedly proclaims that it's his turn to read.

Tobias settles in on Ethan's other side, slipping an arm around my shoulders.

His voice, as he begins reading, is entrancing and entertaining - he does different, silly voices for all the characters, which makes his brother shake with laughter.

...

Tobias stifles a laugh when I walk through our door the next day.

"So how was it?"

I look at him. I drop the bags of clothes that Evelyn forced me to buy and walk into our bedroom to collapse face-first into the pillows.

Tobias follows and lays beside me, rubs circles into my back. "Was it that bad?"

"It was _hell_," I mumble into the pillows. "That woman is so good at insulting you without you even realizing you're being insulted until you can't figure out how to respond," I lift my face from the pillows to look at him. "Did you know that her feet swell when she walks around for more than half an hour? We had to stop constantly or her feet would just blow up like balloons," I inform him.

"Too much information," he replies, and I drop back into the pillows.

"And another thing," I look up again. "She somehow got me to buy the most hideous clothes I've ever laid eyes on. If you were hoping I'd find something sexy, I'm sorry to inform you that I missed by roughly the distance between here and the other side of the world," I flip over so I'm laying on my back.

He laughs again, a warm and comforting sound. "I'll take you back so you can return them later."

We're quiet for awhile, and then, "How do you feel about having a brother?" I ask.

"It's really surprising," he sighs, sinking deeper into the pillows. "And really weird... he's such a great kid, though."

"He is," I agree, smiling. "He's just like you."

He turns on his side to face me and drapes an arm over my waist.

"Except I'm way cuter," he says, as if its the most obvious thing in the world, and I laugh, marveling at the fact that this is the same person I met during initiation all those months ago.

"I wouldn't go that far," I say.

He yawns, despite it being late afternoon. "Well I can probably throw knives better."

"Probably," I allow.

"I'm really glad that I got to meet him, and that I'm going to get to know him. I already feel protective over him, like it's first-nature," he states, pulling me closer.

"You're going to be a great big brother," I smile at him and smooth his hair down, resting my hand on his cheek. "You were so good with him last night."

"So were you," he compliments, kissing my hand before taking it in his own. "You looked so happy with him," his voice sounds almost thoughtful, contemplative.

"He's really sweet," I reply. And then, with a sigh, "So... Evelyn."

Tobias frowns. "Amar came over earlier to find out what she said, and I can't even figure out how he feels about it."

I push myself up onto my elbows. "What do you mean?"

His brow furrows as it does when he's confused by something.

"I think he wants to help her."

"_What_?" I exclaim, disbelieving. I don't know what I was expecting, but it wasn't this.

"At first he wanted to jail her for breaking the terms of the agreement, but when I told him about Ethan, and Marcus coming after them, he... stopped. And softened. I don't know what he's planning on doing, but he did assign more Dauntless to the perimeter and the entrance... It's Ethan," he sighs. "Kids change everything."

I think about Ethan, his dark hair and bright eyes and curiosity; how easy it was to love his personality and feel protective over him.

"If you had told me a week ago," Tobias continues, "- or hell, even two days ago - that I would hug Evelyn, or that you would go out shopping with her, I would've laughed. But now it's not just Evelyn - it's my brother, too. He's a little kid that needs shelter and food and safety, and I don't like the idea of him being in the factionless slums," Tobias says, pressing his lips together.

"And Ethan and Evelyn are a package deal," I sigh, rubbing my temples.

"Exactly."

"Marcus wants to come after you too," I say, small and afraid.

He hugs me to him tightly. "Marcus can't hurt me anymore. I'm not the scared little boy I was before," he reassures. "And he's sure as hell not going to hurt you, and I won't let him hurt Ethan."

I realize, then, that protecting Ethan means protecting Evelyn. I realize that we can't just make excuses and hope it goes away, because it's bigger than that now - now it's about someone we care about, a living, breathing invitation to hope for better things.

Ethan changed everything.

...

"Let's go return this stuff and then get dinner," Tobias makes a face at the awful striped sweater I hold up. I let it drop limply back into the electric green plastic bag.

We gather up the bags and head downstairs to the car. After returning the clothes, we enter a small café near Millennium Park.

"I hope they have quesadillas," Tobias flips the menu open and peruses the dinner choices; I know they have quesadillas when he grins in triumph.

After the waiter takes our order, I sip my ice water.

"So where are we taking Evelyn on Friday?" I try to be discreet, but he wags his finger at me.

"I'm not telling you where we're going for your birthday."

I groan. "Please keep it small," I beg.

He winks as the waiter slides our food onto the table.

A quesadilla is halfway to my mouth when Evelyn and Ethan enter the café.

"Tobias," I say, and he stops with the quesadilla between his teeth. I gesture towards the pair and he squints.

"What are they doing here?"

Ethan slides into a seat across from Evelyn, a huge smile on his face. She looks at him like he's the sun and moon and all the stars, and it's clear how much she loves him.

"Maybe... they're hungry..." I suggest, but then Amar walks through the doors. Of course, he spots Tobias and I first, and blows whatever hope we had of going unnoticed, smiling and waving and ultimately causing Evelyn and Ethan to follow his gaze.

I smile hollowly and Tobias half lifts a hand in greeting.

Ethan lights up when he sees us, and we wave to him. Evelyn grants us a smile before turning to Amar, who settles into the seat next to Ethan and observes him carefully. Ethan scoots away from him when he looks away. I smile into my water.

"What is Amar doing here?" I ask when a waiter approaches their table.

"He said he wanted to meet with her to 'discuss her requests'," Tobias replies, his voice unreadable.

"Ethan looks super uncomfortable," I note.

The little boy says something to his mother, who touches his hand tenderly and glances at us, shaking her head gently and explaining something.

"You can come over here if you want, Ethan," Tobias calls, and he smiles widely.

Evelyn looks at us. "We don't want to interrupt you two on your date," she says, appearing to sincerely care about our situation.

"It's no bother," I say immediately. Evelyn smiles and Ethan makes his way to us, slides into the booth next to Tobias.

"Hi," he beams.

"Hey, little man," Tobias replies, reclaiming his quesadilla and offering one to his brother.

"Are you seventeen yet?" Ethan asks me and I laugh.

"Not yet. Two more days."

"Are you having a party?"

"Of course she is," Tobias grins, and I roll my eyes.

"I guess I am."

"Have you ever had Dauntless cake, Ethan?" Tobias asks.

Ethan shakes his head.

"Ah, your life begins on Friday," Tobias informs him.

He looks a little confused, but smiles, looking happy just to be near Tobias.

"Oh my God, I haven't had Dauntless cake in so long," I moan, my mouth already watering.

"Two more days," Tobias echoes me with a smile.

Our waiter approaches the table. "Can I get you anything else?"

"No thanks... do you have Dauntless cake?" I try.

"Unfortunately not," he smiles politely and walks away.

"Damn it," I sigh.

"Language, Ms. Prior," Tobias says, glancing at Ethan, who's folding a slip of paper.

"Sorry," I reply.

"Look!" Ethan triumphantly holds up a paper airplane, and Tobias and I applaud accordingly.

And then, he looks at Tobias and says something I never expected him to say.

"Is Marcus really mean? Is he going to hurt us?"

His voice is quiet and terrified.

**...**

**(Tobias)**

His voice breaks with that last sentence, which is really more of a plea than a question—_please say no; he can't hurt us, right?_

Without much time to strategize my response, I reply off the cuff and as best as I know how. I lean down so he can see my reassuring smile at his level, and lay a hand on his arm.

"Ethan, Marcus isn't here, and he won't get anywhere near you. Me and Tris and Mom are going to make sure of that."

Ethan immediately begins to cry. "No, Tobias," he argues. "No, he wants to hurt us."

I realize at this moment, as I pull him into my arms, that Marcus is a new concept to him. Despite the fact that I'm sure Evelyn has mentioned him, this time it's making a little bit of sense in his growing nine-year-old brain, and his comprehension of this topic brings new fears.

I can tell he's distraught - his voice wavers as he continues. "And mom said that he's really mean, and that's why we have to stay away from him, because he was mean to you and her. Is that true?"

Oh, sweet mother of _I-don't-know-how-to-answer-this._ And so again, I take his question and do my best to gather up a meaningful, honest, yet child-appropriate response.

Serious questions deserve serious responses, but right now, I know Ethan needs security—some ventilation through the heavy blanket of fear that's quickly smothering my little brother. So I laugh—a soft, gentle laugh.

"Ethan, have you ever met Marcus?" I ask.

"No," he answers.

"But do you understand why we need to stay away from him?"

He looks up at me, replica eyes swimming with tears and fear and confusion. I continue.

"Ethan, mom is right in that Marcus is mean. But it's not something I want you to be afraid of. There are mean people all over, but you have so many people protecting you, and no one is going to hurt any of us."

"Mommy has special bracelets with her number on them, in case anything bad happens," Ethan interrupts. "Can I go get you some?"

I know what that question means. Evelyn made bracelets with her number on them_ "in case something bad happens,"_ and Ethan had now associated that benefit with_ "not getting hurt by Marcus."_

I let him slip out of the booth to get the bracelets, giving him a little space and thankful to rundown the conversation with Tris.

"Please don't tell him too much," she pleads. "I don't want him to be scared. He's nine, Tobias. He's too young to be thinking about this. Change the subject, please. Tell him everything is going to be okay."

Her last statement sharply emphasizes a desire I share with her: _tell him everything is going to be okay_. As elusive as that promise is, that's what I'd love for Ethan. A fearless childhood and the assurance that everything is going to be okay.

I understand Tris's desire — It's my desire too — and I love how much she cares about the little mind of Ethan. The fact is though, we have no guarantee in life that everything is going to be okay, and more than assuring Ethan that life is going to be dandy, I want to embrace every second of good fortune we have while helping to equip him with the tools to handle his fears and hardships.

Tris and I talk for another minute, uniting our approaches before Ethan returns, two colorful bracelets and a stuffed rabbit in his hands. I meet Evelyn's eyes from across the room - she pleads with me silently as well.

Tris is right about Ethan being only nine. I don't believe in telling children things that aren't true just to alleviate their fears. However, I think there's a fine line between being honest with children and talking to them like adults. They're not adults. Psychologically, there are clearly defined reasons why we don't present adult concepts at adult levels to a nine year old.

Ethan slides into the booth, and I place a hand on his back, relieved to see that he's smiling, relaxed, and distracted. He hands one bracelet to me and one to Tris.

"How many more days until New Year's?" he asks.

I smile and hug him. "Five more days. Are you excited?"

"Yes," he answers, smiling. "I want to eat my quesadilla now."

So we all pick up our quesadillas, our discussion a thing of the past for tonight. There will be more talks of Marcus and fear. And while I hope that the searing truth of this concept keeps its distance for a long while in our family and with those we love, I know that years of time will eventually deepen Ethan's understanding of Marcus and why we have to avoid him.

When Tris and I finally get into our car that night, she lays a hand on my shoulder.

"Good job," she smiles.

I smile back and start the car.


	25. Chapter 25

**(Tris)**

"I got a dog!" Tobias exclaims when I walk into the living room on the morning of my seventeenth birthday.

"A dog?" I ask for confirmation, even as a small canine yips and runs to my feet. I crouch and stroke its head. It enthusiastically licks me a few times before charging over to Tobias and hopping onto the couch.

"A golden retriever puppy," Tobias smiles as he walks toward me. The memory of a conversation surfaces, sandy beach and salty waves, mentioning that I wanted a golden retriever. "Happy birthday," he engulfs me in a bear hug.

"Thank you," I say and accept his kiss.

I approach the puppy, who's snuffling at a cushion, and sit next to it. It clambers into my lap.

"It's a girl. She's three months old," Tobias informs me.

I run my fingers over her downy head. "What's her name?"

"Your choice," he reaches over to pet her.

"Annie," I say immediately.

He looks at me. "That was fast."

"I've had this figured out since I was twelve," I laugh.

He chuckles. "Well, now you're seventeen. And breakfast awaits."

...

"Oh, dear God and baby Jesus in the manger, my eyes!" a man shrieks in a little girl voice. "My eyes!"

I jump out of my skin and accidentally hit Tobias's forehead with my own, hard.

"Damn it!" I exclaim, my hand flying to my forehead and my body violently careening to lay eyes on the intruder. In the process, I nearly knock myself out of Tobias's lap, and he has to grip me tightly to prevent this from being my last birthday ever.

I can't say I'm surprised to find Uriah in our doorway, laughing hysterically.

"I've never seen two people so utterly involved in making out with each other. You guys were like, moaning! You didn't even hear me come in! I could have been a murderer. I could have robbed everything in this place and you wouldn't have noticed," he sputters, trying to catch his breath but failing and bursting into another fit of laughter.

"Asshole," I mutter, turning back to Tobias, who adds, "What a shame they released you from the hospital early."

I lean my forehead to his and drape my arms over his shoulders, laughing softly.

He moves into my neck, his favorite place to kiss me, I've figured out, and presses his lips to the hollow of my throat.

"Okay, okay!" Uriah guffaws. "What if I had been your manager or Evelyn? Or Caleb!"

"Caleb probably would have had an aneurysm," Tobias replies.

Uriah moves toward our kitchen, still laughing. "Anyways, do you guys have any OJ?"

"OJ's in the fridge," I call back and rest my cheek against Tobias's shoulder. He keeps his lips against the birds that flock on my collarbone.

"We have a party to get ready for," he reminds me, rubbing my back.

I tighten my grip around his shoulders, sink more deeply into him. "I don't want a party," I complain. "I want to stay here with you and Annie."

"Annie and I would love that, but Christina would kill us both if we skip the party she's been planning for weeks," Tobias frowns. "Let's just show up and mingle, and then we can slip out."

"Okay," I sigh. He kisses my cheek and I climb out of his lap and stretch my limbs.

"Ahhh! There's pulp in this orange juice!" Uriah hollers.

"That's what you get for breaking in and ravaging our refrigerator," I tell him rightfully.

He pouts and drinks the orange juice anyway.

...

"Happy birthday, Tris!" Christina squeals.

"Thank you," I smile as she wraps her skinny arms around me and twirls with me.

"Okay," she steps back, still holding my shoulders. "Let's get down to business."

_'Getting down to business'_ includes formal evening wear, high heels, minimal makeup, and silver jewelry; all of which follows in the next hour.

"Alright, you probably won't know anyone at this party. But everyone knows you two," Christina later tells Tobias and me.

"How?" I ask, confused.

"Everyone knows the people who saved the city from having their memories wiped," she shrugs.

I don't know why I've never thought about it - of course everyone knows what we did. The idea makes my stomach clench.

"Christina, how many people did you invite?" Tobias voices my thoughts.

"I didn't. It's an open invite."

I choke on my own air. "So anyone can come?!"

"Relax, Tris. Just enjoy it," Christina says, as if it's that easy.

...

Half of Dauntless. No, maybe more - that's what I see when we get out of the car. Crowds and flocks of people in Millennium park, dressed to the nines and tremulously waving very breakable looking wine glasses when they see us.

"Christina," I hiss, but she has cleverly disappeared into the throngs of people and I have to smile at the shouts of _'happy birthday, Tris.'_

"What do you want to do?" Tobias asks with a hand on my lower back. He smiles and raises the other when someone shouts his name.

"Leave?" I suggest.

He nods and guides me forward.

We are intercepted more than once with questions regarding the Bureau of Genetic Welfare and how we so bravely conquered the evil outside the fence. It makes my stomach churn.

They see my actions as something to be thought highly of, worthy of gifts and cake and fancy wine glasses and elated 'happy_ birthday_'s.

They don't know how many lives were lost, how many memories erased, how much pain was inevitably inflicted upon the families of the staff at the Bureau, as a result of my actions. They don't know that I made no attempt to convince or negotiate with anyone. I took the easy way out, the coward's way. It wasn't brave at all.

"Tobias, is it true that you want to bring the factions back? Why would you do that?" A woman asks.

"It'll be a lot different from-" Tobias begins for what feels like the hundredth time.

"Tobias!" Suddenly Ethan is there, flinging himself into his brother's arms.

Tobias lifts him up. "Hey! Are you having fun?"

"Yes. Happy birthday, Trissy," Ethan grins.

Usually I would recoil at such a nickname, but it's sweet coming from Ethan, and I ruffle his hair with a "thank you."

"Where's mom?" Tobias scans the crowd.

"She's talking to Tori. I think-"

"Ethan?!" Evelyn's voice calls frantically from behind us. "Ethan?!" My eyes find her, pushing through the crowd and searching wildly.

"Evelyn!" I shout, and she locks eyes with me. I see the relief wash over her when she realizes Ethan is safe.

"Ethan! You can't go running off like that," Evelyn scoops her son into her arms, checking him over for any harm.

"I'm sorry. I wanted to say hi to Tobias," he mumbles.

"Well that's fine, sweetie, but you have to tell me. I didn't know where you were," regaining her composure, she sets Ethan down, holding tightly to his hand, and turns to me. "Happy birthday, Tris," she says coolly.

"Thank you," I reply, just as formally. "Have you already spoken to Amar?"

"I have. We'll be moving into your building in a few days," she says hopefully.

"That's great... we were just going to get something to drink," Tobias states, taking my hand. "Bye, Ethan," he smiles.

Ethan waves.

"Try the Dauntless cake," I say over my shoulder as we walk away.

The refreshment table boasts a wide assortment of drinks, in colors ranging from pale green to bright pink. I opt for the humble water bottle, and then Tobias and I sneak around the crowd and run towards the structure where we had our "first date".

Immediately, naturally, I grab hold of the rails and Tobias sets a steady hand on my waist as I climb up. He follows close behind and we settle into the space where we lay about this time six months ago.

I close my eyes and let out a breath of relief.

"I can't believe all of those people came," Tobias says.

"They probably just wanted a party," I dismiss, running my fingers along the cool metal.

"No, Tris. They're here _for you_. Did you see how excited they were when you showed up?"

"They have no reason to be," I sit up straight. "They have no reason to see me in a positive light. What I did wasn't brave, it was careless and cowardly," I say bitterly.

Tobias sits next to me. "What you did saved every person out there. If you hadn't done what you did, they'd all be empty shells with no memories of who they are," he reminds me.

"There are still so many people from the Bureau who are just that, because I didn't try to negotiate with them or warn them or _anything_. Erasing their memories? I stole their lives, and I think that's even worse than killing them. I did what they planned on doing, and that makes me just as bad as them."

"You know there was no negotiating with them. If you had even suggested a deal, they would have jailed you or killed you for threatening their power. We erased their memories, but they were memories of a corrupt system that used people as scientific experiments, readily willing to throw away thousands of lives. At the very least, you've given them an opportunity to become better people than they were before."

While this doesn't change my view on the situation, I nod and take a sip of water.

"How long do you think we have before Christina calls?" I ask, mostly to change the subject, but it's no use, because then my phone is ringing insistently.

Tobias laughs as I hit "ignore". We lie back and he pulls me close, just as he did the last time we were here.

"Caleb and Cara found out their baby's gender," I smile.

"Oh yeah? Are we expecting a niece or a nephew?" he smiles back.

"Niece," my smile spreads.

"When will she be here?"

"Six more months."

"Our first kid will be a girl," he grins impishly.

"Oh, no. Definitely a boy. I'm 100% sure," I argue.

"There's no other way here, Tris. She's going to be a girl."

"_He's_ going to be a boy," I laugh.

"Let's bet on it," he suggests, and I shake his hand.

My phone rings again, and I reluctantly answer it.

"Tris! Where are you?" Christina asks.

"Um..."

"Get to the front of the park, now."

"Okay," I sigh. "Five minutes." I hang up.

"We're being summoned," I inform Tobias.

We climb down and make our way back to the party.

When the guests catch sight of us, they pounce almost instantly, cheers and shouts.

"Tris! Speech!" They exclaim. "Speech!"

My stomach tightens and I step back, gripping Tobias's hand with all of my strength.

"Speech!"

"No, I don't think that's-" Tobias begins.

"Speech, Tris!"

Under the stress of the shouts, and the crowd pressing in, my instincts suddenly come into play. I release my death grip on my lover and promptly take quick steps backwards, kicking off my heels before I pivot and run.

Everyone is still shouting my name, encouraging me to come back and, _"no, it's okay, you don't have to if you don't want to."_

I don't stop running until I crash into Uriah, who's approaching my party.

"Whoa, slow down, birthday girl!" He exclaims, catching me before I have the chance to fall and scrape my knee. I breathe heavily as he guides me to a bench.

"What happened? Where are your shoes?" He asks, concerned.

"I kicked them off and ran away when four-hundred people demanded I give a speech," I heave. "I think I hit a man in the leg."

"Wow. You certainly don't like attention. Why did Christina throw you a party like this?" Uriah says in a tone that implies Christina is the stupidest person on the planet.

"It was actually really nice of her," I reply, suddenly feeling the need to defend my friend. "I just hate getting up in front of people."

"Relax. You know I love Christina and all her thoughtful and creative ways of doing exactly the opposite of what you want her to do."

I laugh, but sense some underlying story behind his words. "Has she done that to you recently?"

His eyes light with surprise. "What? No... I mean..." He tries to find an escape slide, and I give him an odd look.

"I just... really... I..." Uriah looks painfully upset.

"Uriah," I say. "It's okay. You can tell me whenever you're ready, which obviously isn't right now."

He breathes in relief and smiles at me.

"Tris!" Tobias runs toward us, slowing as he gets closer. Immediately, I stand and wrap my arms around him tightly.

"I'm sorry," I say.

"No. It's okay. You have nothing to be sorry for," he assures me.

"Can we go home?"

"Of course... Uriah, are you going back to the party?"

With my face against Tobias's chest, I can't see Uri, but I can certainly hear his defeated tone. What was he going to say about Christina?

"I'll just head back with you guys. I'm really tired."

"Okay," Tobias says unsurely. "Let's go."

We wait for the train and jump on easily, our bodies knowing exactly what to do, despite the fact that it's been nearly two months since we partook in this activity.

We invite Uriah over, but he insists that he needs to clean up his new apartment and promises to stop by later.

In truth, our place needs cleaning up too, but we're definitely not in the mood for that right now.

"Did Uriah seem off to you?" Tobias asks, pulling off his suit jacket. I watch the muscles in his arms and back as he lifts his shirt over his head in one swift movement.

I lay on the bed and cross my ankles, my arms beneath my head. "Yeah... weird." I reply, not wanting to mention his allusion toward Christina just yet. "Maybe he's sick."

"Maybe," Tobias shrugs. "Anyways, I have a present for you," the impish gleam reappears in his eyes.

"Oh no."

"Oh yes," he disappears into the closet and emerges with a slip of paper and something clenched in his fist.

"You already bought me a dog," I remind him, pointing at the sleeping bundle of fluff at the end of the bed.

"This is part two," he shrugs. "Here," he smiles, sitting next to me and handing me the paper.

I cross my dusty feet beneath me and read.

I don't completely understand what I'm looking at until I see the words, "Niagara Falls, New York," "cottage," and "lake." And then, just as I begin to understand, Tobias is dangling a key in front of me and I gasp.

"You bought the cottage?!" I exclaim.

"And John is giving us the boat, too. Happy birthday," he beams and I launch myself into his arms, thanking him repeatedly.

...

"Ah, coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall conclude the day," Christina stretches as we walk into the café in our building.

Caleb, Cara, Zeke, Shauna, Uriah, and Tobias are with us too, and we find a table, though we have to pull chairs from the surrounding area when we come up short.

"What would you like, Miss Seventeen-Year-Old?" Tobias asks me.

"Espresso. Black," I reply.

"Get me an iced mocha," Christina replies, and Cara and the boys head to the counter.

"So where's Matthew?" I ask absently, pulling off my coat.

Christina's face falls for just one moment; and then: "I don't know," she says, both too brightly and too falsely. "Maybe upstairs."

I raise an eyebrow. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. How was your birthday?" she very obviously changes the subject.

"It was great," I half lie. "That party was amazing. Thank you so much for putting it together."

She brushes off my compliment but grins.

"Espresso black and iced mocha," Tobias slides our drinks in front of us and takes the seat next to mine. Caleb sits on my other side.

"How are you feeling, Cara?" I smile at her and she rests her hand on the slight bump between her hips.

"Exhausted, most of the time. But the doctor says that's normal for the first trimester. Fluctuating hormones or something. Should be better in a few weeks," she replies.

"Thought of any names?" Tobias sips his coffee.

"No first names yet," Caleb answers. "We might give her a name starting with a C, since both of our names start with C's. But her middle name is Natalie," he smiles.

"Oh, Caleb," I hug him, enjoying the familiarity of his warm embrace. "That's so great."

I pull back and when I look across the table, I notice Uriah giving constant, fleeting glances toward Christina, before his eyes plunge into his drink. Christina is the heart and soul, as always, laughing brightly and joking. I guess whatever I sensed in her earlier is gone.

After a lot of consideration and observing the people at this table, the people I care most about, I decide that my seventeenth birthday was wonderful. And I'm happy that I'm here to see it.


	26. Chapter 26

**(Tris)**

The storm whips the trees outside and I huddle into my quilt. Tobias's arms tighten around me when I stir, but then loosen enough for me to sit up without waking him.

The room is dark, except for the dim glow of light peeking through the curtains. I remember last night, a breeze blowing them lightly, making them dance as it made its way through the open window. I could smell the promise of rain lingering in the air, as the clouds debated on when to release their tears upon the ground. Apparently, they chose the night before as the perfect time.

"What are you thinking?" Tobias hums, voice sleepy and low and nothing but a whisper as it breaks the silence in the still bedroom.

I turn to reach his waiting gaze. "How peaceful this is. How perfect."

He smiles, that familiar sparkle reaching his eyes.

"Almost as perfect as you," he purrs playfully, lacing his fingers through mine and easily encompassing my small hand.

I scoff and swat at his bare chest, fingers lingering over his rapidly beating heart before drifting to the ends of his tattoos, the ones that have fascinated me since the day we met. His skin is warm, every nerve appearing alight with pleasure as my hand roams the contours of his chest.

I can feel his eyes fixed on me, but I can't pry my gaze away from his body. I want nothing more than to feel his arms wrapped around me, need to feel his lips pressed tight with my own. This kind of hunger doesn't overtake me often, and I'm nearly shaking in anticipation.

Our eyes meet again, and I swear I see his irises grow darker as his tongue flits across his lower lip. In the next instant, our lips collide, working in slow, desperate movements. His hands instinctively find my face.

Each press of his lips, every moan of pleasure drives me deeper into bliss. Tobias smiles, drawing my body closer until there's no more space. I can feel his heart beating in time with my own. He pulls back for a moment, hovering just inches above me. His eyes search my face for permission, as he always does. A gentleman in the true sense of the word, always hesitating before making a move like this. Gaining a feel for my body language, learning my desires. He is an art that I am hell bent on mastering, and the same is true for him. We will forever study the wonder of our love.

His voice is soft and warm as he whispers into my skin.

"So beautiful," he breathes, pressing a feather light kiss to my collarbone.

I exhale, his name slipping urgently from my lips as I fall to pieces beneath his practiced touch. This is more than love, I'm sure of it. The feeling consumes me like nothing I've ever experienced before, the greatest truth - that we belong to each other.

His mouth leaves a map of his presence along my skin, and I twist my fingers in his untamed hair, tugging on the roots in a plea for more.

He doesn't waste a moment removing the shirt I'm wearing - the one I borrowed from him - and his lingering gaze makes my skin feel like it's been set on fire.

Minutes later, we lay in a breathless tangle of limbs, chests heaving as one as we come back down to earth, heated gazes and kisses.

"I love you," I say breathlessly, because it's the only thing I need to say. "I love you so much."

...

**(Christina)**

"Can you think about someone other than yourself for one god damn minute?!" I shout.

"Can you support a single fucking thing I do for once in your life?!" Matthew yells back.

"You're disgusting," I seethe, and turn around to leave the apartment.

Matthew smashes something behind me. I slam the door shut.

In the next instant, I'm crying, running blindly down the halls and stairs in nothing but a tank top and a pair of shorts. I fly through the lobby, ignoring the bellman and other staff who try to stop me. When I make it to the street, I stand in the downpour, teardrops mixing with raindrops, soaked to the bone. My body immediately rejects this, shaking and hunching over so my hands are on my knees and I almost lose my sanity entirely.

Leaves whip wildly on the wind, thunder booms, and lightning cracks, intimidating me enough to send me running back into the lobby.

Before I'm even through the door, shivering and dripping, Uriah is there, eyes wide and full of alarm. I notice how bloodshot and sunken they are, ornated with lines and dark circles.

"Christina?! Are you okay? I saw you through my window and came as quickly as I could. What happened?! Why did you go out into the storm?!"

I look at him carefully. He's usually so joking and built up. I never expected that he could drop that façade and be serious. But here he is, standing in front of me, anxiety ridden and making himself sick with worry. He's still expecting an answer, some explanation for my thoughtless and rash actions.

Instead, I selfishly wrap my drenched, freezing arms around his warm body. He encircles me immediately, and I am reminded again of how much I missed him while he was in the coma. After I arrived at a grown up place of acceptance that he might never wake up, my life was okay. I had an apartment. I got married. I was okay. But there was always, _always _a part of me that couldn't let go of him. An unshakable place that isn't rattled by fear and loss and ego. The same place that will never let go of Will.

After a moment of undo silence, he leads me to the elevator, and eventually to his apartment.

"I'm sorry I don't have anything in your size," Uriah says, handing me what I assume are his shirt and sweatpants.

"Thank you," I whisper, numbly but sincerely. I head into the bathroom and change. He was right - the clothes swallow me whole. I pull the drawstring on the pants taut and roll up the legs several times.

When I walk back into the living room, Uriah hands me a cup of tea, hot and steaming. He sits on the couch and I sit next to him, cross legged and facing him.

"Christina," he sighs, meeting my eyes. "What happened?"

I just shake my head and blow on my tea, my eyes falling from his gaze.

"Christina-" he begins.

"Uriah," I cut him off short. The sadness and desperation in my voice must be what stops him.

I can't tell him. I can't tell him about Matthew and me. How, for weeks, we've been fighting over everything, from silverware, to whether I should wear high heels (he hates them because they make me taller than him), to jobs and money and what we're having for breakfast. It always ends in a screaming match, and more than once I seriously expected him to hit me. But he never does, and that may be because I always end up leaving the apartment before he can lose it. He always breaks something or punches a hole in the wall.

Whenever we try to be civil, it's icy and forced, our touches awkward and unnatural. It's a vicious, unhealthy cycle that leaves me wondering if we rushed into all of this too soon. If I'm prepared to go through a divorce, after mere months of marriage. If, maybe, worst of all, it was never real to begin with. If I was so broken and rattled by Will's death that I couldn't think of anything else, and Matthew was simply a distraction from the ghosts.

It is this thought, riddled with guilt and hatred, that leads to Uriah taking away my tea because my hands are shaking so badly. I crumple, hands and knees folding into my chest and sobs coming as fast and violent as ever.

Uriah wraps his arms around me instantly, pulling me close and letting me release the universe of fear and guilt and confusion and raw pain inside of me.

Even an hour later, when my tears have subsided and I'm half laying in his lap, he doesn't let go. But he breaks the silence.

"Christina," he says quietly, tremulous and gruff. "You have to know..." he hesitates. "You know you can leave. You know that, right?" he wavers.

I'm silent for a long moment. "Leave your apartment?" I suggest weakly, because I don't think I'm strong enough to face the truth of his words.

"You know what I mean," he says lowly, pleading.

I turn to hug him tightly again. "I know," I whisper.

And I do know. I'm just not brave enough to do anything about it.

...

"Stop calling me."

"Christina?! Where are you?" Matthew says frantically.

"_Stop calling me,_" I repeat.

"Christina, Tris is worried about you. _I'm _worried about you. Please come home."

"Go to hell."

"I will gladly go to hell as many times as you want if you just come home. I'm so sorry, babe-"

"Don't call me that," I spit.

He sighs. "Christina-"

"Tell Tris to call me."

I hang up and slam my phone down next to me on the window seat in Uriah's living room. I watch the raindrops race each other down the other side of the glass. Uriah shoots me a look from the kitchen and I wave him off.

My phone rings again and I answer when I see that it's Tris.

"I'm not coming home right now," I say. "I'm having a situation and I can't stand it there. I'll come by later tonight. Right now I just need all of you to stop calling me."

"Christina," she begins calmly. "Are you okay?"

"Yes, Tris."

"Why did you run away?"

"I didn't _run away_. What the hell, Tris. I'm not twelve years old."

Uriah's phone rings and he picks up. "Hey, Matthew," he says after a moment, meeting my gaze. '_I'm not here_' I mouth frantically. "No, I'm sorry. I haven't seen her," he lies.

Tris starts in my ear again.

"Where are you, Christina? Tobias and I are worried sick and your husband is in a state. If you just meet me somewhere-"

"Listen, I don't expect you to understand-"

"Because you won't tell me anything!" Her voice explodes in my ear. "You never tell me anything! I've known something was wrong for a month, since my birthday, and I've been waiting for you to tell me but you haven't! Whenever I ask, you just brush me off and act like it's nothing, when we both know it's not. And now you won't tell anyone where you are and I'm so worried about you and even now _you won't tell me. _Why won't you tell me?! Christina, what's wrong?" She's crying now, hard, as she pleads with me.

My own eyes fill with tears as they drift upwards, to the sky. Thunder booms. Lighting cracks across the sky. And I hang up.


	27. Chapter 27

**(Tobias)**

"Go fish," I say as thunder sounds. "Any 8's?"

"Go fish," Ethan groans. "I'm tired of this."

"Me too," I throw down my cards, and Ethan does the same.

"When is it going to stop raining?" he goes to the floor-to-ceiling window and peers out.

"I have no idea."

"When is Tris going to wake up? It's afternoon."

"It's only ten, little man. Where did your mom go?" I ask.

"She's your mom too," Ethan points out.

"Okay, where did mom go?" I attempt.

His face scrunches up. "I'm not sure. But she was really worried and talking really fast, and then she sent me over here. I think she went outside," he says worriedly, looking out at the storm again.

"She might have. But she'll be okay. She didn't tell you why she was worried?" I reply.

"No, but I bet it has to do with Marcus. He _always _makes her that nervous."

"Ethan, do you remember what I told you at the café? Marcus can't hurt us," I remind him.

"I remember," he says softly, following a raindrop with his finger. "But that doesn't mean he won't try to."

He's smart, that's for sure. "Come here," I say, and he walks into my open arms.

"Hi guys," Tris yawns, walking in with Annie in her arms. The puppy yawns with her.

"Hi Trissy. Hi Annie," Ethan hugs her and takes the dog, sitting on the floor to play with her.

I press my lips to Tris's temple when she sits next to me, smell the minty freshness on her breath.

"Ethan's here," she observes, closing her eyes and leaning back.

"Something's going on with Evelyn, as usual… have you talked to Christina?" I ask quietly.

She opens her eyes and frowns. "She went home last night. But she still won't tell me why she left in the first place," she yawns again. "I'm so tired."

"Go back to sleep," I suggest.

"No, no," she waves me away. "I'm fine."

"You're shivering!" I exclaim, rubbing her arms. She swats at my hands.

"I'm fine," she repeats, standing up. "I'm hungry."

"I made eggs and bacon," I tell her as she walks toward the kitchen.

Ethan laughs when Annie licks his face. "Is Tris sick?" he says when he looks up at me.

"Yes," I say when she walks out of the kitchen, pale as a sheet.

"Yes," she confirms, before running down the hall.

I follow her and find her in the bathroom, hands and knees on the tile, dry heaving but not throwing up, I assume because she hasn't eaten anything today.

I rub her back and she drinks a cup of water before agreeing to go back to bed. Ethan stays with her under our colorful quilt, reading books to her and telling her about all the things he saw on his "trip" with Evelyn.

I have to go to the Hub, where Amar has called the council to a meeting on the most inconvenient of days. I run to my car and still get soaked. A flock of birds scatter when I run inside the Hub.

Amar tells us that there was a majority vote across the city for our faction ideas, and we're officially in charge of Chicago. What follows is grueling hours of plans and sweat as we work out plans and strategies.

…

When I get home, Tris is on her feet and cooking, dancing in the kitchen with Ethan.

"Feeling better?" I guess, and she nods before kissing me.

"Pancakes," she informs me.

I raise an eyebrow. "It's 3 o'clock."

"So?"

"We wanted pancakes," Ethan says defensively.

Obviously outnumbered, I hold my hands up in surrender and take a seat at the table.

"Is the storm letting up?" Tris asks, flipping a pancake.

"I think it's getting worse," I reply.

"I'm worried about my mom," Ethan says quietly.

Tris moves toward the phone. "Do you want to call her?" At Ethan's nod, she punches in the number and hands the phone to my brother.

As the seconds tick by with no response, Ethan visibly grows more and more desperate. And then: "Mom?!" he looks hopeful, but then his face falls. He hangs up. "It was her messaging box," he sighs.

"I'm sure she's okay, Ethan. She's probably talking to someone and had to turn her phone off," Tris suggests in an attempt to make him feel better.

Ethan just shrugs.

…

**(Christina)**

"You don't have to keep apologizing," I repeat for the fifth time.

"I feel like an asshole," Matthew replies.

"You are an asshole."

"I'm sorry."

"Stop it. I knew you were an asshole when I married you."

"So why did you marry me?" he teases.

"Because I love you," I say instinctively, because that's what I'm supposed to say.

He pulls me to him and kisses me, and it feels nice. Nice to not be fighting, nice to be in his arms.

"I love you too," he says softly.

When he kisses me again, it's different, not shadowed by ice and distance, but like he actually wants to be there kissing me.

I'm just not sure if I want to be here.

He must sense this, because he pulls away slowly and sighs as he studies my face.

"I'm sorry," I whisper.

"Do you really love me?" he demands, tight and accusing.

"Yes," I insist.

"Then why don't you want to kiss me?"

I stare at him for a long moment. "Matthew, I-"

And he does something I never, ever expect him to do.

He grabs my wrists and forces them against the wall behind me, crushes his lips to mine with such strength that I can't breathe. I try to wrench myself from his iron grip with no luck.

I make desperate sounds in the back of my throat, and he slams my arms back. My lungs are starting to burn for air and my knees shake in a threat to go out beneath me when he finally steps away.

I have so many screams on the tip of my tongue, ready to cut and shame him, but instead, I immediately start to cry, crumpling to a ball on the floor.

He yells - Jesus Christ, he _yells _at me, all kinds of hateful accusations that I'd like never to think about again.

And all I do is cry, because I feel so violated, so intruded upon, so incapable of coherent words. He keeps yelling. I keep crying.

…

**(Tris)**

Ethan is asleep in our bed when Evelyn finally arrives, rapping on our door in a series of quick, sharp knocks. I let her in and she immediately asks where Ethan is.

"He's in our room. He's asleep. Where have you been?" Tobias demands.

"Tobias," Evelyn wavers, taking a seat on the other couch.

I stand between the two couches, the tension palpable, until Tobias holds his hand out to me and I sit next to him. I know she's about to say something to flip our world upside down.

And she does.

"Marcus tried to break into the city today," she chokes.

I let go of Tobias's hand, stand to my feet, and beeline directly for the hallway bathroom. I throw up everything I've eaten all day.

_Everything._

I sit on the tile for a long time after that, waiting for my stomach to settle, for my breath to stop coming so quick. _Marcus is back. _And my insides are actually in revolt.

…

**(Christina)**

In the morning, I find very impressive bruises on my wrists. I feel sick to my stomach and put on long sleeves.

When I return from the café, Matthew is awake and curious as to where I went. And then he seems to remember the previous days events, and he crumbles under my gaze like I'm actually _hurting _him. And he's _so sorry._

Over the next few days, things go from bad to worse. And then to much worse.

First, the yelling. Then, more forceful violations. The door blocking. The _threats. _And finally, the hitting.

The first time it happened, I was so shocked that I couldn't do anything. I just stood there, stunned and frozen, begging every power in the universe to not let this be happening to me. Everything inside of me, every animal instinct told me to run.

But there he was, yelling and threatening, the sound of life carrying on while i tried to comprehend what had just happened to me.

I'm alone, and overpowered, and so incredibly afraid.

…

**(Tris)**

The morning after we learn about Evelyn's Information (a proper noun around here, something we've refrained from referring to as _Marcus Is Back _for Ethan's sake), Tobias brings me tea and toast and sits at the edge of the bed, thumb stroking absently along the arch of my foot while we discuss what we're going to do and he listens to me try not to cry.

I feel better by dinner, think about visiting Uriah, decide against it.

I sit awake in bed until the sun comes up.

The morning after that, I get sick again. Then a day of nothing.

Then again the day after that.

That's when I start to freak out.

…

**A/N: Please review :)**


	28. Chapter 28

**(Uriah)**

When the storm finally stops, the whole world seems to come alive. We were all on a sort of vacation from reality under the cover of rain and thunder, but the sun comes out of hiding and so do we.

I follow up with the doctors, and they tell me that I'm really free now - no more appointments, no more meds.

When we all meet up for breakfast in the café, as we do every other Saturday, Tris and Christina both seem a little off. Tris is stirring her coffee and ignoring her scrambled eggs, making a face at them every so often. She keeps glancing at Cara, like she wants to tell her something, but decides against it when she remembers that the rest of us are here.

Christina. She looks... dim. Her fiery personality is absent, replaced by this quiet and nervous girl whose eyes go wide at the slightest sound.

Matthew is next to her, laughing and joking, one hand never failing to be gripped to the back of Christina's chair, or almost uncomfortably close to her on the table.

_I can't believe she married him,_ I think bitterly. This man who is hardly a man. It's hard to consider assertions to suggest strength or charge over his wife manly. I hate that she married him. Regardless of what she does or doesn't tell me, it's painfully clear to me that he abuses her. Physically? I don't know. Verbally? Mentally? I'm sure of it.

When Matthew makes a sudden move to grab the salt, Christina flinches. I instinctively lean in and set my hand on her shoulder, and she immediately gives a small yelp. She tries to turn it into a playful one, but I know she's hurt. And she knows I know.

We stare at each other for an increasingly long moment. She locks eyes with me, bores holes into me and silently begs me not to say anything.

Then Matthew's fork clatters onto his plate and he stands abruptly. Christina goes rigid and her wide eyes skirt away from mine and up to his.

"I think it's time for us to go," he says coolly, placing a hand on her back, and I want to kill him. In that moment, I truly want him dead, imagine all the ways I could do it.

Christina nods quickly, standing and brushing off her pants.

"We'll see you guys later," she says shakily, avoiding my gaze.

And I watch my heart walk away, in the form of a brown-eyed, bold, ambitious and breaking girl.

...

**(Christina)**

Fear. That's all I feel as we ride the elevators, move down the halls, and finally step into our apartment. Bone crushing fear.

"What the hell was that?" Matthew asks slowly and carefully when we're safely inside.

I don't know what to say, so I don't say anything, just hope that he won't hit me. Silently plead with him to leave me alone.

"What the hell was that?" he booms, his face inches from mine. I can smell the syrup on his breath.

His shoulders stiffen, jaw clenches, and his fist is through the wall before I've even raised my arms in defense.

I go still when he wraps his arms around me gently. So gently. It makes me want to scream, to break something, to throw a fit and make him pay for it.

_I'm going to kill you,_ I promise him silently, as his arms lead me to the couch and he presses his lips to my temple, whispers things that I think are meant to be comforting. They only make me angrier.

He tells me how alone and incapable I would be without him, how love is supposed to hurt, how we fight but still love each other, how I can't leave him, how he'll find me, how I can't tell Uriah, how I can't tell Tris, how I can't tell anyone.

I want to run, never want to feel his arms around me again, want to escape this cycle of pain and yelling and knuckles through drywall. I want to tell him that he's selfish and ignorant and brainwashed and the most vile human being I've ever known; and even that is an understatement.

But I can't, because then where would I be? He would beat me unconscious, maybe tie me up if I tried to leave in the first place. Even if I could get out, where would I go? To my mother? My friends? That automatically endangers them. And anyways, the one thing he tells me that I actually believe is that he can find me.

So now I'm stuck. Waiting, thinking my way out. The only thing that keeps me sane is my vow to kill him.

...

**(Tris)**

I drive to Caleb and Cara's new house. When I arrive, I'm relieved to find that Caleb is at work, and Cara is on a pregnancy upswing.

"I have endless energy these days," she tells me, leading me into what will become her daughter's nursery. "It's a work in progress. We still have to paint the walls and order the rug and a few other things, but this is my favorite room in the house."

It's a beautiful room, soft pinks and whites, sunlight filling it on all sides.

She leans against the winter white crib and gestures for me to take a seat in the rocking chair.

"What did you want to talk about?" she asks.

My hands start shaking so badly that I have to grip the arms of the chair.

"Tris?" she says softly. "Are you okay?"

"I think... I'm..." I am disappointed when my voice wobbles and breaks, even more disappointed when I can't get the word out.

"Pregnant," Cara nods and finishes, as soft as before. "Tell me why you think that."

I tell her about the on and off sickness, the fatigue, the cravings and turning my nose up at foods I like. And the crying. Good God, the crying.

Cara hugs me when I'm finished. Then she leads me into the bathroom. "I have a few tests left," she says.

...

I curl my arms around my knees on the lid of the toilet. Cara sits cross-legged on the floor.

"Look at it for me, okay?" I tell her, watching the second hand creep along the face of my watch; slowly, slowly. This can't be happening to me, not now. I'm almost not even nervous, that's how sure I am that this isn't real. We'd been careful, hadn't we? I always make sure we're careful. "Just... look."

"I'm looking," she says, peering at the stick and frowning. "It's not doing anything yet."

"What do you mean?" I demand, leaning forward to grab it out of her hand. "It's supposed to-"

Cara pulls it back, looking more closely; she glances again at the picture on the box. "_Tris_," she says then, and she looks so _sorry_. I close my eyes.

**...**

**A/N: Please review :) **


	29. Chapter 29

**(Tris)**

I sit on the floor of Cara's bathroom for a long time, forehead on the edge of the tub, not talking. Cara leans against the door, cross-legged and patient, dragging the corner of the box beneath her nail.

I'm pregnant. _Me._

"Jesus Christ, Cara," I finally whisper, setting my hands on the floor and looking up. My head, as I lift it, feels heavy enough to snap off my neck entirely. I wish for a swamp to swallow me. I wish for my mom. "What am I going to do?"

I have to tell Caleb.

I have to tell Christina.

I have to tell - Oh _God._

I splash some water on my face and drive back the way I came, toward Tobias and the apartment building. It's past twilight, the trees silhouetted starkly against the sky.

I speed. I speed_ a lot,_ actually, and when I make the left turn onto my street, I come within centimeters of slamming into a canary yellow pickup truck and very nearly kill myself. I very nearly kill myself and _my kid._

The blaring horn fades into the distance and I pull over in front of my apartment building, two hands shaking on the wheel. I think of my parents and near misses, wonder why on earth things happen the way they do. I miss them more than I ever have, if that's possible.

"Mom," I say suddenly, talking to her like she's sitting in the passenger seat beside me. I've never done that, not in all the months she's been gone. "I miss you so much. And it would have been really great of you to stick the hell around and help me out."

A car whizzes by. My mom doesn't reply.

I finally pull it together enough to get out of the car and walk to my apartment. I'm thankful when Tobias isn't there. I know where he is - across the hall with Christina and Matthew. When one of us isn't home, we often join them for dinner.

I clean up the living room and kitchen, the two rooms that have essentially fallen apart over the last week. I mop the floors and wipe the counters, fold blankets and pick up dog toys.

I have to take two breaks to throw up.

Eventually I drag myself the four feet to Christina's apartment and walk in.

I find her first, sweating onions in the kitchen. "Meat sauce," she tells me instead of hello, and then: "I didn't know you were here." She lays one cool hand on my cheek, like she's checking for a fever, for something she senses but can't prove. "You feeling any better?"

I shrug and then hug her, impulsively and hard. She smells clean and familiar, vanilla and home.

"I'm okay," I manage, trying to calm my breathing. "I'm fine."

"Well," she sounds surprised, and it occurs to me that we haven't been spending much time together lately. "Set the table, then."

I do just that, and halfway through, familiar arms wrap around my waist, soft lips against my shoulder. I turn and hug him tightly, breathing him in to try and keep it together.

"Hi Tris," he says, and he looks so happy to see me, it almost breaks my heart. "You're not staying with Caleb and Cara?"

"Nope," I say, trying to keep my voice even. "I'm staying right here."

...

I stick close to them for the next few days, helping Christina with meals and work, and shadowing Tobias at home. I know I'm going to lose them both. I know they'll always love me, but they'll never look at me the same way again. And oddly, I want to soak them up while I still have the chance.

So I wash the crimson strawberries with Christina and help Tobias with city plans. I'm officially the ambassador of Dauntless, thanks to Amar and the promise he made me weeks ago.

We get no news of Marcus. He simply vanished, which is more unnerving than if he showed up at our door.

Whenever I try to make a plan, to wrap my mind around what's happening, or say something to Tobias, my thoughts just kind of... slip away. I don't know how to deal with what's coming. So I don't.

That works for awhile. I know I'm going to have to speak up about it sometime, but there's a part of me that starts to believe that maybe I made the whole thing up. Maybe I imagined taking the test in Cara's bathroom. Maybe I'd never left Abnegation at all.

...

It takes everyone more than a full week to become suspicious and worried. And I can't blame them - my enthusiasm and attendance to invitations is spotty, to put it mildly. Once, when Zeke came over and tried to get my opinion on a new city project, I rolled over on the couch and ignored him.

"God damn it, Tris," he'd mumbled, like there was nothing unusual about my behavior. "Pain in my ass."

Then, on Sunday morning, I come through the door later than usual, having spent a good fifteen minutes staring at the contents of the grocery store aisle, trying to remember whether we needed bread or milk, and then managing to make two different wrong turns as I drove home. I'm scaring myself. I'm having trouble motivating myself enough to care.

I'm going to head straight to the cool and quiet guestroom - I've been spending a lot of time staring at the wall - but Tobias is sitting on the couch like a tin soldier, waiting.

"Hi, Tris," he says gently when I come in.

I blink. "Um," I say, dropping the groceries on the floor where I stand. I feel vaguely sick. "Hi."

My first thought is that he knows about the baby somehow, that he'd intuited just by virtue of knowing me, and the relief I feel in that moment is overwhelming. Then I realize that's not it at all.

He holds out his arms and I walk into them, suddenly very tired, from lack of sleep and from the rest of it.

"Tris, what's wrong? You've been so... absent lately. I'm worried. What happened? What can I do?" he murmurs into my hair.

"What can you do?" I repeat. I have a sharp, ridiculous urge to laugh. "I don't think you can do anything."

"What?" he asks, confused.

I take a deep breath and step back.

And I almost tell him everything. But then fear freezes the blood in my veins and stops my words.

"Nothing," I lie. "It's nothing. I guess I'm just really worried because of Marcus."

He nods immediately, and he looks so empathetic and understanding that it makes everything in me hurt.

We go through the motions, him assuring that we'll be fine, me wanting so badly to believe it.

**...**

**A/N: Please review! :)**


	30. Chapter 30

**(Tris)**

"Pregnant?" Christina repeats. "Like... with a baby?"

"With a baby," I confirm with an eye roll and a huff of frustration. I'm not really mad at Christina, but I can't help channeling some of my fear into anger and unleashing it on her.

"Are you sure?"

I glare at her.

"Okay, you're sure," she sighs. "What does Tobias think?"

My fire is doused immediately, and I avoid her gaze, falling silent.

"You haven't told him?" she gapes.

"No," I sigh. "I'm scared of his reaction."

"Well, do you want to keep it?"

"I... don't know."

"Tris, you have to tell him. Soon. He's going to find out, believe it or not, and it might be easier hearing it from you than figuring out that you hid it from him."

"I know," I grumble. "I'll tell him."

"Do it tonight," she warns.

"I'll do it tonight," I say, and she hugs me. "What am I going to do, Christina?"

"I don't know, but it will be okay. I promise."

...

"What are you wearing?" Tobias calls from our bedroom, the bathroom door between us.

I glance at myself in the mirror. We're leaving in ten minutes for what, he promises, is going to be a Very Big Date. "Why?"

"Because I want to make sure we're not wearing the same thing."

"Shut up," I laugh. "Everything I put on makes me sweat, so maybe nothing."

"I see," I can tell he's smiling. "There's an idea."

We drive to the other side of the city, windows rolled all the way down. It's been uncomfortably hot the last few days. Tobias keeps one hand on my leg as we go.

We arrive at the Dauntless compound and head down to the Pit. Tobias holds my hand as he expertly weaves through the crowd.

And then someone makes a comment. A boy, probably Tobias's age, and his words are demeaning and cutting and aimed at me; something about "the things he'd like to do" to me.

I walk faster, but end up knocking into Tobias, who stops dead in his tracks.

"Keep walking," I hiss. "Ignore him."

The boy smiles smugly and takes a sip from the beer bottle in his hand.

"Keep walking," I repeat sinisterly, and he does, but now he pulls me closer, holds onto me protectively. He glances back periodically, looking angrier each time.

"Wait here," he breathes, stopping right in front of the bar.

"Why?" I ask. "Where are you going?"

"Just hold on," he repeats.

I sigh and head for the bathroom in the bar, hoping he doesn't do anything regrettable. I kill time by reading the graffiti on the walls, making up stories to go with the doodles, the scribbled hearts, the swears. My shoes are sticking to the floor, and I'm picking my way toward the exit when I hear one yell, a woman's, rise above the pounding music.

"What's going on?" I ask a slightly intoxicated guy as I round the corner from the small hallway that houses the restrooms. It's gotten more crowded since I've been gone, and I can't see the action.

"Two idiots got into it," he tells me, looking me up and down in a way that makes me shudder. Then, as if perhaps that wasn't clear enough: "Fight."

I look around for Tobias and say a quick prayer that I already know is useless. Standing on my tiptoes, I realize that one of the idiots getting into it is absolutely my boyfriend. And the other is the guy who harassed me fifteen minutes ago.

I stand frozen. My heart stops as a fist connects with Tobias's jaw, and I feel the acid rise up in my throat when he rears back and slams his knuckles into the other guy's mouth.

I'm on my heel and right in front them even before three guys pull Tobias away. "Get the fuck off of me!" he's yelling.

"He belong to you?" the bartender asks me.

I almost say no. Tobias looks at us sullenly. "Yeah, I guess," I reply. "Thank you. Sorry."

The man nods and shrugs, and I pull Tobias's keys from his back pocket as we walk out. I storm back to the street.

"Get in the car," I say.

"Tris, that guy was following us-"

"Don't talk," I interrupt.

"We're supposed to-"

"I said don't talk to me!" I start driving. "Is that why you brought me down here?" I demand. He doesn't reply - because I told him not to, I suppose - so I barge ahead. "To get in a fight with the first person who pisses you off? This isn't like before the war! You can't do that! You could go to jail!"

"He was fucking following us. He started to follow you to the bathroom and he looked at you like you were a piece of meat and you didn't even notice," he mutters, still very clearly angry at the guy.

I flinch just looking at his bloody knuckles. "This is ridiculous," I glance out the window, start to turn into a parking lot. "Do you realize that this is ridiculous? I can't believe this is happening."

"What are you doing?" he asks instead of answering.

"I'm stopping at the Erudite store."

"Why?"

"Because I'm going to get stuff for your hand! Damn it!"

"I'm fine."

"There are teeth marks! You want to get rabies?"

He barks a laugh. "No one's getting rabies."

"You want to get AIDS?" I almost gag on the words. I turn off the car and debate for a minute before pocketing the keys.

"Nice," he says. "You think I'd leave you here?"

I ignore him, slamming the door and heading into the store where I purchase peroxide, gauze, a tube of neosporin, and a bottle of ice cold water.

The cashier surveys my purchases and looks at me and says half-sympathetically, "Hope your night gets better."

"Thanks," I stare into the harsh fluorescent lights to keep from crying.

...

"God damn it, Tobias," I hiss, switching on the light in the car. He looks worse than I thought. I thrust the water at him, and he applies it to his rapidly swelling eye. I hope he has a headache.

"Shit," he says when the peroxide hits his knuckles, breath hissing from him like a balloon. "That hurts."

"Good."

"Careful, Tris."

"You know, why would I even want to have this baby when I can just sit here and play doctor with you?" I spit.

"Beats the hell out of me." And then he pauses, going still. I yank his hand closer before I realize what I just said, and the peroxide slips from my hands and onto the floor, pooling around my shoes.

"What?" he whispers.

And I hate myself, I hate this car, I hate the entire city of Chicago.

When I don't answer, he touches me gently, fingertips against my forearm. "Tris?"

I look at him, and start to lean toward him, and he pulls me into his lap.

"I'm pregnant," I manage to whisper before the tears start. "I'm so sorry," I choke and sob and apologize over and over, guilty and terrified.

He holds me against his chest until my sobs have subsided to hiccups, and then he kisses my cheek until I lean back and he kisses my lips.

"How long have you known?" he asks softly.

"Ten days?" I guess. The days have started to seep together into a dark, endless river, entire weeks like an underwater blur. I couldn't keep this secret much longer. "Two weeks?"

He nods slowly. "What do you want to do?" he asks quietly. "Do you want to keep it?"

For some absurd reason, I immediately take this the wrong way, reeling back and slamming into the windshield, hitting my head hard. My anger blinds the pain for the moment.

"I am not getting rid of another life!" I shout. "How dare you even suggest that!"

"Easy, Tiger," Tobias says, rubbing my arms. "That's not what I said."

I take a breath to calm down.

"Tobias... I don't know. I don't know what I want to do. I don't want to have a baby yet," I start crying again, and he pulls me to his shoulder. "And I feel guilty as shit for thinking that, because... that's _our kid. _And... I don't know."

He nods slowly. "Well... we'll figure it out. Whatever you want to do," he smooths his hand over my hair, and I lean back.

"What do _you _want to do?" I inquire.

"I want you to be happy," he says with a small smile.

"You know that's not an answer."

"And you know it's the truth no matter what happens."

I lean back down to his shoulder, pressing a kiss to the side of his neck. "We should see Dr. Foley," I say.

"When?"

"Not today."

He shifts in his seat, pulling me with him. "Let's go home then."

I nod. But I don't miss the pure fear in his eyes.

**...**

**A/N: As always, reviews make my day. :)**


	31. Chapter 31

**(Tris)**

I wake up the next morning with a panic attack kind of craving for orange juice. I don't want it. I _need_ it. And when I see that we're out, I'm pretty sure I'm going to lie down and die right there on the kitchen floor.

Tobias crosses the hall and informs Christina of my situation, and three minutes later, she brings some over.

"Drinking that juice has officially been regarded as perhaps one of the top five moments of my life," I inform them, sighing and setting my cup down.

"Are you going to the hospital to confirm the baby?" Christina asks.

"As if that wasn't confirmation enough?"

She shrugs.

"Yes, we're going today."

...

Dr. Foley confirms what I already knew. A blood test and a few measurements later, I learn that I'm six weeks along. Six weeks ago was New Year's, and my birthday, and Christmas. Making it the most likely occasion, we started the year off drunk and stupid, and that would be our burden to bear.

"Is it a boy or a girl?" I ask in spite of myself. I don't want to get attached, or assign a gender to the baby, because that would make me feel even more guilty. But I'm also _so curious_.

Dr. Foley smiles. "We won't know that for a few more months. The baby is tiny right now."

"Oh," I blush.

She smiles again. "You're all set to go. Congratulations."

"Thanks," I mumble, and walk out without looking back.

...

**(Christina)**

I examine myself in the full length mirror, trying to decide how best to hide my bruises. With Spring coming, I won't be able to wear jackets forever, but today, it's cool enough to put on a light sweater, and my wounds more or less disappear. I finish by expertly applying makeup over the bruise on my jaw. My eyes are sunken and my cheekbones are too prominent, but there's not much I can do about that this morning.

I catch sight of Matthew, perched in the doorway - eyes already knocking me down, taking what he feels is his.

"Where are you going?" he asks evenly.

"We need milk and eggs," I reply tightly.

"I'll go with you," he says immediately.

"I - no, that's really not-"

"I'm going," his voice drops, daring me to argue again.

I swallow and nod, taking my purse and keys and stepping past him cautiously.

On the way out, Tobias's little brother, Ethan, accidentally knocks into me, hitting a bruise. I bite my tongue to keep from crying out.

"Hey, where are you going, kid?" Matthew asks good naturedly.

Ethan gives me a strange look. "Are you okay?"

"Um... yeah, I'm fine," I say quietly.

He stares at me for a moment longer, before heading off.

As we get into the car, I pray that we will not run into traffic, that he will not find the prices too high, that nothing will happen to make him angry.

...

**(Tobias)**

Tris and I are walking down our street later that day; she needs fresh air, and I need to be near her. We pick our way through the dirty slush, stepping carefully over large mounds.

I glance at her abdomen and swallow.

I can't be a dad. Not the kind of dad this kid needs. Even if I figured it out, I could turn into Marcus. I would sooner open my veins than hurt Tris or my child, but that does nothing to ease my fear and distrust of myself.

And besides, how could we bring a child into a world like this, a world where there are always threats, always dangers, always something to worry about? Would it be kinder to never have a baby, or cruel to make that choice for them?

My blood runs cold in my veins when I hear a voice say, "Hello, son."

I seize Tris and pull her back, locking eyes with the man who planted the seeds of my fears.

Marcus is unchanged, standing casually, arms crossed loosely. He wears Abnegation gray.

He gives a small chuckle, peering at Tris. "Beatrice. You look good. How is my son treating you? As well as you deserve, little girl?"

Flames of anger melt the ice inside of me.

"My wife was pregnant twice," he continues absently. "The thing I remember most is how she would just... glow. You have that glow," he laughs mirthlessly. "Well done, children. I can't wait to meet the little one... Now how about a hug for your old dad?"

Tris instantly starts to gag, falling to her knees in the wet snow, ridding her body of whatever she's eaten in the last day. I keep my eyes trained on Marcus, who watches her with a quizzical eye.

She eventually gets to her feet, and by that time, Marcus knows that his guess was correct.

He stares at us for a long moment. Then he pulls out a gun, twirling it casually as I push Tris behind me. He points it at us, then twirls it again. We stand still, unarmed.

"Boy or girl?" he asks quietly.

We look at him. "We don't know yet," Tris says quietly.

"Ah," he nods. "Anxious, waiting is. Exciting." He looks up, observes. "Tell me, Tris, what are you hoping for? A boy? A girl?... Or do you plan to murder your child before they have taken their first breath?"

Tris inhales sharply, her eyes flying wide open.

"Perhaps," Marcus continues. "The baby will have your hair. Tobias's eyes. Your chin, his nose. Skin like petals, skin that will never feel the warmth of the sun or the touch of their mother. So, Tris... what are you hoping for?"

She's quiet for a long time. "I don't mind either way," she says finally.

"A girl," he decides with a smile. "I never had a daughter, you know. Two sons, though one was stolen from me before I ever held him. I think a granddaughter will suffice nicely. A girl for grandpa. Little girl with her mother's hair and her father's eyes. I can't wait to meet her. Yes, a girl will be perfect."

His eyes land on me. "And you, son? Do you think you can handle doing things for your baby's own good?... For Tris's own good?"

That's when I lunge at him.


	32. Chapter 32

**(Tobias)**

The color of blood has always fascinated me, so long as I can ignore the fact that it's blood. When I was a kid and Marcus would whip me, the only reprieve that I could cling to was the beauty of the crimson fluid that flowed from the gashes. "Red" has never been enough. A deep scarlet, the color of the sky when the sun descends. Even now, as I lose track of time, of how many times my fist has hit his unconscious body, - at what point did he pass out? - of how long Tris has been screaming, I can not deny the beauty of the color.

...

"You didn't kill him," Tris tells me at last, her voice an odd mix of relief and disappointment. I glance up at her. "He's looking pretty bad though."

"He deserved it," I say grimly.

She sits next to me, her hand sliding down my back. "I know."

...

"He just... appeared. Out of thin air."

"What did he say?" Evelyn asks tearfully.

"Horrible things," Tris replies. "Awful things. He almost shot us - he _tried_ to shoot us, but Tobias knocked the gun away."

"Did he mention Ethan?"

Tris's gaze falls. "Yes."

...

"Well, guys. Marcus is being locked up as soon as he heals. Which, frankly, could take quite awhile. But he won't be allowed in public anytime soon. Tobias, because you ultimately acted in self defense, no punishment will befall you. I'm proud of you two," Amar nods. "Get some rest."

...

"I swear to God I'll never let him hurt you," I whisper to her in the darkness.

"I know," she nods, but I'm not sure she does.

Sometimes, I wake up shaking, and she comforts me. Sometimes, her nightmares keep me up with her until the sun rises. Always, we say, "I love you."

...

"Five years."

"But he tried to kill us! He deserves more than five years!"

"The legal system is never fair," Amar frowns.

"Fuck the legal system!" she screams, breaking the first thing she sees that's made of glass.

...

"Hey," I say softly, as I step into the gray guestroom.

She just holds her arms out to me, and I go to her, spreading over the bed and holding her tightly.

"You should sleep," I say.

"You should eat something," she says.

So we both just lay there.

...

The vodka burns my throat on the way down. I drink until I realize it's not helping my mind, and then I pour it down the drain. I find Tris folding and unfolding clothes over and over and over again.

...

"I don't mean to be blatant, Beatrice, but are you pregnant?" Evelyn asks, obviously dreading her response.

"Yes," Tris says simply.

"What on earth?! Since when?!"

"Seven weeks ago."

"Seven! You children are so irresp-"

I give Evelyn a sharp look. "Drop it."

She drops it, but I catch the anger in her eyes.

...

"What are you reading?" Tris asks.

I hide the cover of the parenting book. "A law book. For work."

She nods in a vague way. "Can we go back to Niagara Falls?" she asks suddenly.

I stare at her. "When?"

"Today."

...

And so it goes. We take time off from work, and we get in the car and we go. After a week of crushing tension and anxiety and listlessness, it's as if we're new people when we pull up near our cottage. _Our cottage_. It's strange to say, strange to have somewhere to escape.

...

Tris presses the heels of her hands into the soil - "Spring is coming," she explains. Tiny cards on toothpicks present the plant that will grow. Bright and beautiful flowers that will bloom from tiny seeds, if given the chance.

...

There's a swinging bench outside, and I kiss her shoulder as I come from behind and hand her steaming mint tea.

I join her on the bench and look at the stars, at the lake. The ice is melting, huge chunks floating and knocking into each other among the freezing water.

Our hands find each other as an owl cries from the woods.

...

She stands under the warm water that runs from the outdoor shower. I step behind her, my hands running over her bare goosebump skin. I kiss her wherever I can reach. At some point, I push her up against the cold wall behind us, and she breathes my name, and I don't even know which direction is up.

It took awhile to convince her that no one was watching from the woods - no one but the birds that swoop gracefully between the pines, their cries of pleasure mixing somewhere with ours.

We're so isolated out here, so far from the realm of reality that our worries have melted away.

...

We pick fresh blackberries and eat them at the kitchen table, the sunlight filtering through the windows as the delicate skin breaks between our teeth and fills our mouths with the tart taste.

...

"We could just stay here," Tris says absently, running her fingers over the silver chain and band I gave her two months ago. It feels very far away.

I give her a soft smile. "We can't leave Chicago."

"Why not? Everything is awful there."

"Because you know there are things we can't leave behind. Caleb, Christina, Dauntless... your parents' memory. Our whole lives."

"We could have a new life..." she trails off, but I can see that she's reconsidered the notion.

...

When we lock everything up and get into the car, she sighs and stares contentedly forward, a different person than the one I knew the days following our encounter with Marcus. I feel the same way.

I didn't come to Niagara Falls looking for redemption, but I found it.

...

**(Tris)**

Tobias and I walk into Christina's apartment the morning after we get back - Zeke, Shauna, Caleb, Cara, and Uriah are already there.

"Ladies," Tobias greets when we stop in front of Christina, Shauna, and Cara. He has a bright pink Slurpee in his hand.

"_Ladies?"_ Christina snarls. Christina has never been afraid of Tobias. Christina has never been afraid of much of anything, so far as I can tell. "Seriously? You disappeared for two weeks and the best you can do is_ ladies?_"

"I was going for casual," he tells her, smiling, half bashful. "Was I too formal? I was too formal."

"A little bit," Christina rolls her eyes. "I'm going to need a drink."

"Really?" Zeke looks up from across the dining room, but doesn't actually make any move to stop her. "It's not even 9 AM yet."

"Bloody Marys!" she says cheerfully, heading for the kitchen. "I'll make you one too, Ezekial," she opens the cupboard, nudges my brother out of her way. "What about you, Tobias? Can I offer you a strong alcoholic beverage to help take the edge off being yourself?"

Tobias and I snort at the same time; he looks over at me, smirking, and holds his Slurpee up like a toast in my direction. "I'm good," he says, eyes on my face.

"Really," Christina says, eyebrows hitching together. "What are you, off the sauce?"

"As it were."

"A Dauntless who doesn't drink anymore? How romantic."

Tobias shrugs and slides onto a barstool.

"Anyways," Christina continues, "Marcus is in jail now."

"Good," I comment.

"Where the hell _were_ you guys these last two weeks?"

"Vacationing."

"Where?"

We dance around her question for reasons I'm not entirely sure of, other than that Niagara Falls is something of a secret for us.

...

We don't talk about the baby. When our conversation starts to drift toward it that night, I immediately avert it.

"What's one thing you think is really interesting?" I ask instead, sliding into bed next to him. "Not something obvious. Don't say computers."

Tobias visibly relaxes, tucking one arm behind his head. "Can I say you?" he asks, smiling a little.

"Don't say me."

"Okay," he rolls over to look at me. "If I can't say computers, and I can't say you, I'd have to say the weather."

"What?"

"The weather," he smiles.

"All kinds of weather?"

"Well, yeah. But that's not what I'm talking about, exactly. I mean how it works. Energy and fronts, things like that. I know a lot about the weather. I wanted to be a meteorologist when I was a kid."

"You did not."

"I did."

"You are full of surprises."

"So they say."

I reach over him and turn off the reading lamp. "Tell me about clouds."

**...**

**A/N: Please review!**


	33. Chapter 33

**(Tris)**

I wake up early, stirred by the metallic noise of the garbage trucks outside. I listen for a moment to the clang of the dumpsters below, then open my eyes to a sleeping Tobias.

I take the chance to look at him, face down with one arm slung over his head, tattoos a mural on his bare back. I run my fingers over the patterns there, but he doesn't stir.

It's not until I get out of bed that he wakes, eyes half open. "Where are you going?" he asks, stretching a little.

I smile. "Have to get up," I whisper.

He shakes his head sleepily and holds the blanket open, inviting me to climb back in. "Five more minutes."

I slide beneath the quilt and look at him, pushing myself up onto my elbows.

"What do you have to do today?" he asks, one hand on my back, thumb tracing circles there.

I run through the to-do list in my head. "Coffee with Christina. And then Ambassadors meeting at 11, if you can feed Annie for me."

"I can feed Annie for you."

"Okay," I give him a small smile. "And then training at 1."

"Can I go with you? I didn't know you were doing that."

"I decided last night. I don't want to lose muscle or endurance. Of course you can come," I take a deep breath and continue. "And shopping with Cara at 3."

He knows what I mean right away, his hand stilling on my back. "Baby shopping?"

"For Cara's baby," I add quickly.

He nods and doesn't say anything more.

...

"Did you make a decision?" Christina asks.

"Hm?" I look up.

"Did you decide about the baby?"

I stir my coffee. "Not yet."

"Time is ticking," she reminds me gently.

"We have over a month to decide," I argue. "And besides, I don't even think Tobias wants it."

So maybe the decision is already made.

"Why do you say that?" Her eyebrows shoot up.

"Because I can always tell with him. And it's like we'd rather talk about anything but this. I don't even want to think about it. Don't look at me like that."

"Tris, ignoring that it's happening isn't going to make it go away. And trying to decipher Tobias isn't going to tell you what he really thinks. You need to talk about it."

"We will," I say. I'm suddenly not interested in my coffee.

"Okay," she shrugs.

...

The Ambassadors meeting was quick and mostly introductory, and I was pleasantly surprised to find that Robert Black, my old neighbor from Abnegation, is the ambassador for Amity. He invited us to come out next week.

I relay this information to Tobias while I do push ups, and he frowns as he slams his knuckles into a punching bag.

"I don't think we should go," he says quietly.

I stop mid-push up and look up at him, breathing hard. "Why not?"

He joins me on the floor, choosing the spot in front of me so we can make eye contact. We start working again, to avoid attention.

"The GD's from the fringe are mad at the Bureau," he says quietly. He continues before I can comment. "They've been hiding on the road and ambushing employees."

He looks at me like I'm supposed to understand now.

"So they're mad. Rightfully," I say, trying to fill in the blanks. "But what does that have to do with us going to Amity? We're not from the Bureau."

"No," he agrees, "but I'm on the council now. That means we have to work closely with the Bureau to make necessary changes. Amity is far from the city and far from witnesses, especially on the road. If someone wanted to attack us, it wouldn't be very hard."

I consider this. "Do you really think we'll be safer here?"

He looks at me as he pushes up. "I think if one of us got shot, the city has the doctors and medical supplies that could mean life or death."

I sit on my knees. "Okay. We won't go, then," I say, and move toward the weights.

He follows. "Tris, you know why-"

"I know." I touch his arm lightly. "I know. It's okay. We don't have to go."

He studies my face and then nods.

"I'm going to take a shower," I say then. "I'll see you later." I kiss him quickly and leave the training room.

...

_"It's not turning on?"_ I repeat, even as the car sputters and stalls.

"No. It was working fine a few minutes ago," Cara says, tears pooling in her eyes.

I rub my temples and call Tobias down. He takes one look and determines that Cara's car has a dead battery, and since we don't have the cords to get it started, the car is stuck here for now.

"Take our car," he says, kissing my forehead and turning to head back inside.

"Wait!" Cara exclaims, and he looks at her curiously. "Caleb is at work, and I would love a soon-to-be dad's opinion."

I blink. I expect him to say no.

And then, "Sure. But I don't know how much help I'll be."

...

"Should I get two packs of burp cloths or three?" Cara muses, one hand running mindlessly over her large middle.

My stomach is in knots. I lean my elbows against a shelf of diapers and try to stop my teeth from chattering.

"I'd say three for backup," Tobias says, smoothing my hair.

Cara nods and moves on, tossing the third package into her cart.

Surrounded by everything infant, toddler, pregnancy, and parenthood, my breath becomes labored, my knees shake, my heart pounds in my ears. I'm scared that I don't want this baby. And I'm scared that I do.

"Tobias," I crack, but he's already leading me towards the exit.

"I can't be in there," I heave as we step into the fresh air. Tobias helps me slide onto the cement and lean against the building. "We can't be around all that stuff and just... _pretend this isn't happening._ This is happening, Tobias." My tears come quickly once I start speaking. "We need to talk about it."

"Tris," he says. "What do you really want to do?"

I pause. I remember, suddenly, the serum that David injected me with all those months ago. I remember the first simulation. I remember the baby. I remember losing them. Losing everyone I love. Losing my baby. I'm going to lose them. _I can't lose them._ Not like this. Not by choice. Not ever.

I sob, and he pulls me into his arms. Like a burden being lifted, like freedom and hope, voice shaking, fears echoing, I say, "I want to keep it."

"Then let's go in there and look for things in twos," he says softly.

And that's it.

...

"Hi, baby," Tobias says softly. The sound of a steady heartbeat beneath my own creates beautiful background music as Dr. Foley waves a wand over my middle. "This is your daddy."

"And this is your mommy," I echo cautiously, trying out the words.

Tobias holds my hand gingerly as he asks yet another question.

"How big is the baby?"

"3.1 centimeters from crown to rump at ten weeks. They weigh about four grams," Dr. Foley says in an educational and kind tone.

"That's tiny," I say, examining the figure on the screen.

"They may be small, but they're very active! The baby is swallowing fluid and kicking their new limbs, and all the vital organs are fully formed and functional," she smiles.

"Look at you," I praise the baby with a smile.

Dr. Foley snaps her gloves off. "This ultrasound shows a healthy little one. You're all set to go, unless you have more questions?" She smiles pointedly at Tobias, who jumps at her offer.

"When will we know the gender?"

"Give it about two more months."

Tobias nods, and we wave to the baby.

I think back to the last week of Dauntless initiation. I never thought I could be more thrilled about life, more in love, more grateful than I was in those moments.

But I truly am.


	34. Chapter 34

**(Tris)**

We talk about the baby a lot now. The nausea has subsided significantly, though headaches and fatigue have gotten stronger.

When I can't fall asleep at night, he stays awake with me in the darkness. We talk about all kinds of things: work, our friends, and the various facts Tobias gleaned from an early childhood spent buried in books about the weather. "Tell me about thunderstorms," I whisper sleepily. Tornadoes. Droughts.

Everyone, especially Christina and Cara, are overjoyed when we share our decision. Caleb is working on it. Evelyn is downright bitter; at least towards me.

Even still, Christina invites her to the baby shower. She sends Ethan but doesn't attend herself.

Christina and I spent most of Saturday scouring the apartment, setting up cupcake stands and filling giant vases with flowers. Tobias tied balloons. Matthew mostly paced.

Now, with only a few minutes to cake time, I'm standing on my tiptoes in my closet, rooting around on the top shelf for the envelope containing the sonogram prints that Shauna has to see _right this minute, Tris, bring them out._ I'm considering jumping for a better viewpoint when Tobias wraps his arms around me from behind, resting his chin against my hair. "Hi," he says.

"Hi," I reply, attempting to get higher onto my toes.

"Hi," he repeats, getting me further into the closet and spinning me around to face him.

He presses his lips to mine with no preamble, and I laugh.

"Come to make out with me in a closet?" I ask, taking another step back. "That's very classy, Eaton."

He shrugs and grins. "We can make out in the living room if you want."

"Tempting, but I'll take a pass."

He smiles. "I missed you."

"I'm popular at this party."

"So I see." He sits on the floor of the closet and takes my hand, pulling gently until I come down beside him.

We lean against the wall. It's dark down here. Jeans and shirts block out the light from the bedroom, and it feels like we're ten years old, hiding in a fort.

Stuffed in the back of the closet is the old gray sweatshirt of my dad's that I picked up when I finally had the nerve to return to my home in Abnegation a few weeks ago. I reach for it like an instinct, pulling at one of the strings on the hood. I miss him so much it hurts.

Tobias must see my face change, because he grabs me around the waist in a hurry, tugging me down until my head is in his lap. "You okay?"

"Tell me something good," I say instead of answering.

Tobias raises his eyebrows. "Anything in particular?"

"No, I don't know. Anything. Which faction do you like the least?"

"Abnegation," he says smoothly.

"Predictable."

"And what's yours?"

I shrug. "Erudite."

"Because that's a shocking choice," he teases.

I roll my eyes and he bends down to kiss me again, longer this time, hands wandering. "Would you rather be invisible, or be able to fly?" He breathes into my shoulder.

"Fly," I say. "Be deaf or blind?"

"Deaf."

"So you can see guns and computers?" I laugh.

"Think you're funny?" he grins, fingertips seeking my sides. I scramble up before he can tickle me. We rarely act like this, and I suppose it's because of how undeniably happy we've been since our first ultrasound.

"Come on," I say, smiling. "We need to go back to the living room."

"Mmm," he says, not moving. "No we don't."

"We do. My brother is going to come looking for me," I smirk. "With his shotgun."

"Caleb doesn't own a gun."

"Sure he does. He uses it on guys who try to make out with me in closets."

"Duly noted," he grins back and we step into the light in our bedroom, sudden and bright.

"Shit," I say then, catching a glimpse of my hair in the mirror above the dresser. Forty five minutes of Christina's handiwork completely undone.

He watches as I repair the worst of the damage, kisses me on the forehead, and smiles. "Here are the sonograms you were trying to reach."

He hands them to me. "Okay, you hair wrecker. Let's go," I say.

"Right behind you."

...

**(Tobias)**

When it was just Tris and I, we were a couple. With a baby on the way - we're a family. I can begin to see the outlines of the future: family portraits, a house filled with the joyful noise of childhood, little hands opening stockings on Christmas morning.

Already, I love my child. How that can be, I have no idea. I only know that love must be the natural state of parenthood.

Needless to say, that wasn't the case with my parents. Evelyn didn't love me enough to save me, and Marcus showed me nothing more than rage and a leather belt on my back. Marcus was a monster, and Evelyn left me with a monster.

Which brings me full-circle back to the present.

What if my parents once loved me the way I love this baby? Somewhere along the way, that love turned to indifference at best, and full throttle hate at worst - the latter being more likely.

"Hey," Tris's soft voice pulls me away from my self destruction thoughts. "Are you okay?"

I kiss her lips and lay a hand over her abdomen. "I'm fine," I whisper, pulling the quilt more closely around us.

"You're breathing heavily," she says quietly.

"Just thinking," I reply on an exhale, thumb rubbing circles over her stomach.

"Talk to me," she pleads, laying her hand over mine and leaning up to brush my hair away from my face.

"I want to be a good father," I say slowly. "But I don't know if that's possible after..."

"You are not your father, Tobias. You can't think like that."

"It's impossible not to."

She searches my face. "I know you. And I know your heart. And not for one second have I ever thought that there is hate or evil inside you. You're not Marcus, and you won't ever be anything like him. The one thing he taught you was exactly how not to be."

I stare at her. "Can you honestly believe that? Can you honestly tell me that you'll never be afraid that I'll hit you?"

"You would never intentionally hurt someone you love. Never. Marcus hurt you, but he didn't turn you to stone. And he never will."

As I fall asleep, I thank the God we always prayed to in my home that I have Tris - that she fixed all the fucked up attributes that make up me and my fucked up self.

I wake up several times that night, as her nightmares come again and again and again. The baby. The baby. The baby. Me. Me and the baby dying. Twice, it takes ten minutes just for her to stop screaming.

**...**

**A/N: Please review**!


	35. Chapter 35

**(Tris)**

Four body guards. That's what I find when I wake up.

They're in our living room, seated stiffly on couches and declining offers of breakfast from a stony looking Tobias.

A few of them nod at me when I walk in, my eyes darkly circled and confused at the sight of them. Annie growls lowly and sticks close to my side.

"Why?" I ask Tobias plainly as I follow him into the kitchen, one hand on my hip and the other on my forehead.

"We're going to Amity."

"Oh? Why the change of mind?"

"The city is smothering. You were right. We need this. Even if it's just for a day, we should go. They're going to escort us on the road."

My eyebrows fly up. "Is that really necessary? Are you that concerned about the GD's?"

Tobias meets my eyes and frowns. "You should be more concerned." He spreads cream cheese over a bagel and hands it to me. "Amar also mandated guards for all city officials that pass the gates. That means you," he adds, and leans toward me. "Please just think." He brushes his fingers over my stomach and slowly, I nod.

"Ready to see Amity?" I ask Annie, and she licks my ankle. "Great. Let's get ready." I bite into my bagel and leave the kitchen.

...

Despite Tobias's precautions, nothing happens on the road.

Robert greets us when we enter Amity, bright smiles and enthusiastic waves.

"I'm so glad you could make it!" he exclaims. "With Spring officially here, you're just in time for the start of planting."

I smile and breathe deeply, filling my lungs with the crisp, clean air, free from the pollutants of the city.

"Will the orchards be open?" Tobias asks evenly. In the presence of Amity strangers, his carefully construed walls are up, his unease heightened by the concerns that I'd hoped he'd in the city. He has no time for Robert's pleasantries - clean cut, straight to the point, and he wants us alone.

"Of course!" Robert says cheerfully. "You may have to meander around a few of our harvesters, but feel free to head out to the orchards anytime you'd like," he says kindly.

It's strange, remembering him from Abnegation. He truly belongs in Amity, and for all the flaws in the faction system, the values aren't one of them. Robert is right where he should be, among nature and sunshine and new life brought forth with the seasons. I think about the life inside of me and smile.

"Thank you, Robert," I say warmly, and he gives me an amiable grin.

"Ready?" Tobias places a hand on my back, just below my shoulder blades.

"Let's go," I reply, and make for the apple trees.

...

As I scale a trunk for the highest fruits, I'm thankful for two things. The first: that I am small and agile enough to climb trees in the first place. The second: that I've only just hit my second trimester, which means there's no chance of my stomach getting in the way - the baby is still tiny.

"Be careful," Tobias calls from the ground, but it's mostly a moot point, because - well, Dauntless.

Careening around a particularly inconvenient limb, I pluck an apple and drop it into the basket that dangles from the crook of my elbow. When I'm satisfied with its contents, I slink down the tree and land lightly on my feet. Annie, who came along, jumps at my leg and barely grazes my knee, little thing that she is.

We have to turn all of the fruit into the Amity kitchens where it will be washed, packaged, and sent off to the city. The sky is bursting with color, brilliant orange and soft pink, the sun disappearing behind the fields of corn in the west, the pale moon rising patiently in the east.

The security guards are waiting for us when we get to our car. Annie falls asleep on the way home, and I follow closely behind.

...

**(Christina)**

"Where do you think you're going?" Matthew demands, his hand seizing my arm, tight like a vise.

I am not sure if bravery is gritting my teeth and bearing the pain. But right now, I'm not sure I can do that.

I have no time for this coward.

I wrench my arm from his grip, and for a moment, he looks stunned. And then he looks enraged.

I can't beat Matthew in a fight - I know that. But I can't sit idly by and take his abuse anymore. It will make things worse for me later, but I can't back down. Not now. Not anymore. Never again.

His fist comes straight for me, and I evade the blow by ducking and charging for his middle. The unexpected force causes him to topple backwards, into a table. The lamp crashes and shatters, and I slam my fist into his nose. Judging by his scream and the cracking noise I hear, it's broken. Pleasure spreads through me hotly; and something else. Fear.

I start backwards as he rises to his feet, a monster out of control. He comes toward me like he's going to kill me this time, and blind panic sets in as I fumble for the doorknob behind me. He reaches me just as I fling it open and fall backward, into the hall, against Tris and Tobias's door. I am thankful, suddenly, that they're in Amity today and will not be dragged into my fucked up relationship.

A scream rips out of my throat as Matthew's fist connects with my cheekbone, and there's a loud clamor at the end of the hall. Vision black at the edges, I turn and see Ethan watching us, his eyes wide and his mouth slightly parted. Piles of books are scattered at his feet.

Matthew wrenches me to my feet and says against my ear, "You are going to tell him that we were training." And then he releases me and smiles at Ethan and calls, "Hey buddy! I have something for you. Give me a minute." He turns back into the apartment.

I force a smile, despite the fact that the right side of my face is screaming with pain, and approach the little boy.

"Hi Ethan," I say as cheerfully as I can muster. I stoop to collect the books from the floor.

"He _hit you_," Ethan says, eyes wide as saucers, voice rattling on the way out.

I mock surprise and run my fingers over his hair. "Oh, he and I were just training," I lie.

His eyebrows pinch together. "Training?"

"Yup," I add another book to the stack in my hands. This kid loves reading. I think I know exactly where he'll end up when he's sixteen. "In Dauntless, we have to keep up our endurance and hand-to-hand combat skills, so Matthew and I practice together a lot. But don't worry. I'm fine." I hold the books out to him and I'm relieved to see that he looks convinced.

"Let's keep this a little secret between us for now, though," I add on an after thought. No sense in feeding him lies if he'll repeat them to Tobias.

He looks at me, and for a moment I think he doesn't believe me. In this second it feels like he's onto me. In this second it feels like he knows.

But then he takes the books and shrugs a little and says, "Okay, Christina."

I hug him as Matthew comes over with his phone, the sound of a game buzzing on the screen. Though Ethan observes and gives the game a try, he looks rigid and small next to Matthew, like he's expecting him to hit him too, at any moment.

Matthew ignores me after that, and I go to the only place I can think of.

...

**(Tris)**

"Who are you?" I ask my baby, running a hand over my abdomen. "Are you a little boy or a little girl?"

At our sixteen week appointment, Dr. Foley couldn't get a clear shot of the baby for an hour. "Oh no," Tobias had said. "You have your mom's stubbornness. We're in trouble."

"I have a feeling you're a girl," I confess quietly. "We'll see."

I rise from the bed and head for the living room, toward Tobias and the dog. But just as I set my hand on the knob, something peculiar happens. I feel a swishing inside, like nervous butterflies, and I can _feel_ the baby. I gasp, one hand flying to my middle as the movements continue. Dr. Foley told me this would happen, but I wasn't expecting it for another few weeks.

"Hello," I breathe in awe, and then, "Tobias!"

I open the door and grin at him, his quick strides carrying him toward me.

"Tris?" He says, alarmed.

I take his hands and guide them to my stomach.

"What the hell?" He sputters.

"Oh, she stopped," I frown, running my fingers over the bump pushing up between my hips. "Come on, sweetheart. Say hi to daddy."

Tobias smiles and takes my hands and kisses me.

"She was moving," I sigh. "I'm sure she'll do it again soon."

"Tris," Tobias laughs against my ear, his nose sliding along my jaw. "Why are you calling the baby a 'she'"?

My cheeks warm. "Just a feeling."

He kisses my forehead, my nose, and fits his lips to mine again. "Let me know when she moves again."

...

**(Uriah)**

"Christina," I say. "You know you can tell me anything." I reluctantly set down the vodka she essentially begged for the moment she got here. The sun is almost gone, and I'll have to turn a light on soon.

"I don't want to think about how much this hurts. I just want to get drunk." She wraps her hands tightly around the bottle, seated stock still in the stool at my kitchen bar.

I feel another pulse of hatred for Matthew and wonder how long I have been this disgusting. _She's married,_ I remind myself. _She loves him,_ I remind myself. _You don't have a chance,_ I remind myself.

But it's no use.

I have to fight for concentration, because I'm feeling something down to the bones, and I want it to go away.

Down to the bones.

Bones know nothing.

But they ache like sore muscles when I have to fight as hard as I am right now.

_She's married,_ I repeat, coaching myself. Just because it's Christina and she's doing to my bones the same thing she did to them the first time I met her...

I do not give in to transient emotions, no matter how powerful they are.

She starts drinking straight out of the bottle, and I eventually join her, passing the vodka back and forth. The night has settled now, and it's pitch dark, save for the street light that glows and illuminates us just enough.

We sit in silence, and nothing becomes easier or clearer.

I don't realize that I'm staring at her until she looks up and our eyes meet, like sunlight breaking through trees. Then she looks down at her restless fingers and curls them around the bottle.

She lifts her eyes to look at something in the distance, or maybe at nothing. I can only see her face in the darkness, and her hands that grip the vodka rigidly.

"It's like drowning," she breathes shakily. "But you just won't fucking die."

I reach out and place a tentative hand on her shoulder - the one that made her cry out the last time I touched her. She doesn't cry this time, but rather leans her cheek into my hand. Slowly, my thumb caresses her jawline, her cheekbone, grazes her lips.

"What am I going to do?" She whispers, alcohol slurring her words as she presses her lips to my fingertips.

_Leave him. Leave him and come to me._

"Be safe," I whisper back, pleading. "Protect your heart, please. Christina," I say when she starts blinking rapidly against my hand.

She stands, and I do the same when she wraps her arms around me in an embrace that shows me every beautiful thing in the world.

The world is not just fist fights and fear landscapes and jumping off of moving trains.

No, the world is more. The world is cold air and warm skin and the way she's looking at me right now.

I brush my fingers over her hair and kiss her forehead. "You need to sleep," I say softly when she yawns.

"Mmm," she hums, and tugs me toward the bedroom.

"I'll take the couch," I say.

She shakes her head, but she is too tired and there is too much alcohol coursing through her. She collapses onto my bed. I sleep on the couch.

**...**

**A/N: Back to regular updates! Please review!**


	36. Chapter 36

**(Tris)**

Caleb and Cara get married the weekend after our trip to Amity, standing up in front of God and everyone else and promising their lifelong love and devotion to each other, for richer or poorer, til death do them part.

The reception is at their house, their giant yard dressed to the nines. It's a quiet kind of activity, something that is natural and right and long overdue.

Cara shows me the finished nursery. I resent myself for the dread I felt the last time I was here; because my baby has filled a space in my heart that I didn't even know existed.

And damn it, do I love this kid. More quickly and more deeply than I've ever loved anything, with a love that is so infinite, it cannot be shaken.

The baby leaps and flips, and I keep a hand on my stomach at all times. Our next ultrasound, if the baby cooperates, will confirm the gender. But the baby represents so much more than just a boy or a girl. This is hope. This is a new beginning.

"Thought of any names?" Cara smiles, one hand on her own bump.

"Not yet. Waiting to find out the sex," I reply. "What about you?"

"Done," she grins. "It's a secret."

"Seriously?!" I laugh. "We're sisters now!"

She laughs too, just as Caleb walks in.

"Honey, can we tell Tris the baby's name?" Cara asks, wrapping her free arm around his middle as he kisses her temple.

"Sure," he smiles at me. "Do the honors."

"Callie," Cara says. "Callie Natalie Prior."

_Callie Natalie_. Beautiful.

I hug her, and our babies move at the same moment - cousins greeting each other for the first time.

_Hi, Callie. Nice to meet you._

We laugh again, a little bit shocked and a little bit amazed.

"You're going to get along just fine, aren't you?" Cara asks them.

"Who's getting along?" Tobias walks in.

"The planets are miraculously aligned or something, because the babies just moved at the same time when we hugged," I say. "Hi." He kisses me.

"Hi," he chuckles. "What's this little girl's name?" He asks, perfect imitation of my curiosity.

"Callie," Caleb smiles.

"Hi, Callie," Tobias grins at Cara's abdomen. "I can't wait to meet you. Come on out."

We all laugh again, and Cara says firmly, "Not yet."

"You're right," Tobias allows. "Both of you, you stay in your mothers."

"They will," I say, like maybe speaking it will make it certain.

Tobias laces his fingers through mine and tugs me toward the door.

"Do you want anything to drink?" He asks.

"Water."

"Okay. Give me a second." He kisses me again, long and lingering, and suddenly, it's not enough. None of it is enough.

I don't hesitate for a second, my lips parting wider beneath his. He feels the quest of my tongue and my wandering hands, and his lips pucker as he pulls back.

"Tobias," I say softly, desperately.

"Tris," he says quietly, his hands on my shoulders and one eyebrow raised questioningly, as though reminding me that we're standing in Caleb and Cara's hallway.

I sigh, and my head falls back against the wall.

His thumb brushes my jawline and he whispers, "Not here. Kiss too hot, location too wrong."

I know he's right, but an insane, intense need for him is quickly filling every part of me.

"I'll get you your water," he kisses me again, this time on the cheek, and heads off.

I watch him walk away and try to slow my pulse.

...

**(Tobias)**

Pregnancy has certainly made Tris more bold with her desires. Most of the time, I think this is a good thing, but not at social events or her brother's reception. It's all interesting, to say the least.

I catch sight of Christina just as I'm about to enter the kitchen. For the first time, I realize how different she looks. When did she get so thin? She's always been small, but her cheekbones, wrist bones, shoulder bones are sharp and prominent. Her eyes are wide and cautious, constantly darting away. Her nails are bitten down to the beds. She looks _scared_.

"Christina," I say, and she jumps. "Hey, hey," I set a hand on her back. "Are you okay?"

She almost flinches under my touch, so I quickly withdraw as she says, "I'm fine. Thanks."

"Where's Matthew?"

"He's...," she wraps her arms around herself. "I'm not sure."

I examine her and give her a small smile. "What's goin' on?" I ask softly.

She shakes her head. "Nothing."

I sigh and nod. "Yeah. Okay," I say. "You know you can always come to Tris and me. Always. Alright?"

She nods. "Thank you," she whispers, a ghost of a smile on her face.

...

Evelyn is surprised, to say the least. I can't blame her; I don't often turn up at her door to socialize. And this is hardly the case.

"Hi, son," she says unsurely, holding the door open for me to walk in. I step inside, and I'm immediately surprised.

The living room is decorated exquisitely. It's filled with stylistic, artistic flair. I suppose this is the kind of freedom she was denied in Abnegation and Factionless.

"Have a seat," Evelyn gestures to the rich orange bar stools in the kitchen. I sit.

"We need to talk," I say as she slides into the seat across from me.

She nods. "All ri-"

"What's going on?" I demand. "What are you doing? What's happening with the Factionless? And Marcus?"

"Tobias, calm do-"

"And why the hell are you so_ needlessly fucking angry_ over my child?" I spit. "Tris and I are having a baby, and you'll just have to-"

"_Tobias Eaton_," Evelyn pushes her stool back and stands. "You will not come into my home and disrespect me. Stop with the swearing. Stop with the accusations and the tone, or leave this apartment with no answers."

We have a stare down for a moment, and then I sigh angrily and hold my hands up in surrender. She smooths her blouse and sits again.

"Now," she continues. "One topic at a time."

"Marcus."

"Marcus is in custody. He was in the hospital for a few weeks, and then transferred to prison. As far as I know, he's back in the hospital under heavy guard to have his casts reset. He'll be returning to prison in two days."

I nod. "Factionless."

"I've cut my ties with the Factionless."

"And they're alright with that?"

"Of course not. I was their leader. Without me, they're powerless. The Dauntless police confiscated all of their weapons and relocated them to a new sector. They're not a threat."

"Maybe for now."

"Oh relax, Tobias. Not everything needs to be an issue."

"Really?" I retort. "Let's say they get hold of a gun. A knife. Not very hard. Let's say they kidnap-" I stop and huff loudly. "Everything can become an issue. I'm not putting my family in any kind of danger just because you're not in the mood to deal with it."

"Okay," she says. "I'll talk to Amar and have regular inspections conducted. I don't know what you want me to do, short of kicking them all out of the city. That, or having security guards patrolling you and Tris at all times."

"No," I say to both suggestions. "I want you to be on good terms with them. Tell them about the new opportunities the council is working on. Has anyone even told them _anything_? Make sure they know they can transfer to factions soon. Jesus Christ, _help them_. You lived with them for years."

"Fine, fine. I'll get back into their good graces."

"Good."

"Anything else?"

"Your bitterness."

"Tobias," she sighs. "You and Tris have decided to keep the baby. Now I've accepted that, but it doesn't mean I have to like it. You're young, and you can't expect me to love Tris when I've only just learned to tolerate her. I'll keep my brooding to myself, but you'll just have to give me time."

I'm about to tell her exactly what I think when my phone begins ringing - it's Amar.

"Hello?"

"Tobias," Amar says frantically.

"What's going on?" I demand, already jumping to conclusions, adrenaline coursing through me like an instinct.

"You need to get to safety right now, you and Tris - Marcus escaped."

**...**

**A/N: Please review!**


	37. Chapter 37

**(Tris)**

"Come on, no way. Are you serious?" Uriah asks.

"Dead serious," I laugh. "Abnegation kids weren't allowed to talk at the table."

"Why not?"

We're walking across the expansive parking lot in front of our building, and I'm giving him a lesson on "Abnegation Etiquette."

"Because it was rude and selfish," I shrug.

"Seems more selfish that your parents kept all the attention to themselves - oh, damn it. Hold on. I forgot my wallet. I'm going to run back to the car. You wait here."

"Sure," I nod as he turns back.

"Trissy!" I hear Ethan's voice behind me. I look back and smile as he jumps into my arms.

"Hey!" I say. "Where's your mom?"

"Upstairs," he replies as I set him down. "Where's Tobias?"

"Upstairs," I wink. "Where are you-"

_"Tris!"_

_"Ethan!"_

_"Tris - No!"_ Tobias's distant voice is fear stricken, frantic, and makes me want to take action. As I turn toward the voices, I register a few things.

The first: Uriah is running back towards us, his eyes wide. Face drained.

The second: Evelyn and Tobias are running towards us from the other direction.

The third: Marcus is right before me. His face is chafed and bloody. His eyes are manic. And he is going to kill me.

I can only push Ethan behind me.

Marcus locks his arm around my throat. My arms fly to protect my middle. He plunges a needle into my neck.

And everything about my life changes.

Forever.

...

**(Tobias)**

"Oh hell no," Uriah is saying. "You are staying with me. No dying today."

I barely register his voice.

I barely register Marcus seizing my little brother. I barely register Evelyn's scream. I barely register the gun in her hand, the shot, Marcus falling to the ground.

I only see _her,_ in brilliant clarity, screaming definition, coherence, transparency.

She is the only thing that matters. Everything else fades to background.

I fall to my knees beside her. I'm yelling something. Nothing makes sense. Nothing but her.

**(Tris)**

_In my fantasy I see a just world, where everyone lives in peace and harmony. I dream of souls that are always free, like the clouds that float._

The sound of my mother's voice, soft and gentle in the darkness, calms me. It has been a long time since she recited her favorite poetry to me.

_In my fantasy I see a bright world..._

I remember her voice. She protected me from everything.

_Each night there is less darkness._

_I dream of spirits that are always free. _

_Like the clouds that float._

"Tobias," I'm screaming, jolting upwards. Harsh white lights blind me for a moment, and then I see him.

"Tris," he chokes, pulling me towards him. I grip onto his arms, but then he's gone. People dresses in stark white - doctors? - surround me.

"She pulled out her IV's," one of them says.

"Get that monitor back on."

"Don't tell her anything yet. Her stress levels are already off the charts."

"She's losing fluid - come on, people, move it."

I lie perfectly still. For the first time in my life, I do everything the Erudite ask of me.

When they disperse, I remain still. My stomach is sinking. My heart is breaking. Too still.

_And I know._

"Tobias," I whisper as he wraps me gently into his arms again. "What about the baby?" But I know. I already know.

He buries his face into my shoulder and shakes. I cry and pan the room to meet eyes with anyone who will tell me this isn't happening. But they all step out.

"It was death serum," Tobias tells me. "It... they..." he falls apart, and I shake my head over and over and over again. My knees come to my chest. And I scream.

...

Silence. The beeping of the machine on my right. Darkness.

And then it comes again.

I start shaking, and Tobias's arms tighten around me. Gut wrenching pain. I writhe in emotional agony and beg for morning.

I cry out that I want to die. I want to run like hell. I want to be pregnant again, I sob. I want to be pregnant so bad. I want it to be the morning of our first ultrasound, when I was happy and I was light and I wore the white ruffled skirt and the black shirt, knowing joy was to come. _I want to go back. I want to go back. I want to go back._

_In my fantasy exists a warm wind that blows into the city like a friend._

_I dream of souls that are always free._

_Like the clouds that float._


	38. Chapter 38

**(Tris)**

We were sure it was a girl the way Caleb and Cara were sure Callie was a girl. We spent seventeen weeks intoxicated by her magic. Her light was extinguished inside me.

The next morning, they put me under and take her out of my body. After they confirm that, indeed, she was a girl, I lay next to Tobias, my head swimming.

I cry for her and all she represented to us. I cry for the cousin Callie won't have. I cry when I lean down to kiss Ethan in his hospital bed and he grips my hand and cries for her, too.

I cry because life is not fair and I still have it better than most.

I cry because she will never know the comfort of my touch.

I cry because she will never know how much we loved her.

I cry when our friends come in and hug me and sobs rack their bodies that let me know they feel it too. They feel my pain, and they want to take it away.

I cry for the one shining star of a human that has not left my side for a minute - because I know he is in the same agony.

He is heartbroken, and this, impossibly, breaks me even more.

"Tobias," I say. He looks at me wearily from where he lays at my side, one arm draped over my middle. Where there is no baby. "She was not a lost pregnancy or a miscarriage. She was not a tragic circumstance or a sad thing that happened to us. She was a baby. Our baby."

He smiles and kisses my tear stained cheeks. "And she still is."

I replay the minute I found out she was gone.

I never knew until that moment how bad it could hurt to lose something you never really had.

**(Tobias)**

We go home two days after our baby dies. We ask everyone to leave us alone.

I do not want their pity. I do not want them to watch what they say and tiptoe around our feelings, because nothing they say could possibly make us feel worse.

Marcus is dead. Shot dead by Evelyn.

Ethan is still recovering from the injuries Marcus inflicted on him.

_God damn it,_ I think. _Why is it always us?_

The pain inside my chest brings me to my knees and stops me from breathing. I can't mask the feelings of sadness and despair. The thought of my child is a stab in my chest.

On the way to our apartment, I hear a child laugh. And instantly, I am reminded of how I will never hear hers.

Now, as we lay in our bed in the dark, that's what matters. _She was what mattered to us._

...

I wake to find Tris gone. My pulse accelerates and I shoot out of bed and into the living room - she isn't there, but I smell the waftures coming from the kitchen.

"You're_ cooking?_"

Tris flips the eggs and doesn't look at me. "Yes. I need to feel like a person."

I nod, even though she can't see me. "Don't we have breakfast with everyone in the café today?"

"Oh," she says. "Damn it. Yeah." I lay my hand over hers before she can turn the stove off.

"We're not going today."

She looks back at me and nods. "Okay."

I pour the orange juice and make the toast while she finishes the eggs. When we've managed to eat what we can, we brush our teeth and wash up, going through the motions.

"We need to pack up the baby stuff," Tris decides. "Then bring it to Cara. Then work. And visiting Ethan."

_That's quite the agenda,_ I almost say, but I know she deals with sadness by keeping busy. So I agree.

It doesn't happen. She falls apart as soon as we step into the baby's room. However, Zeke and Shauna show up like saving graces.

They clean our apartment. They put the baby things in boxes to take to Caleb and Cara. They bring meals to put in our freezer. They don't look at us with pity, they don't push us to do more or offer any words of sympathy. And I know how lucky we are to have friends like this.

...

Somehow, impossibly, our lives are still moving. Time is still going by. In the depths of our misery, the sun is still rising and setting.

So why does everything feel so frozen?

Just when we thought we had it all figured out, just when we finally began to plan something, get excited and feel like we knew which direction we were heading in, the paths changed, the signs changed, the wind blew the other way, North suddenly became South, and West was East.

And we're lost.

And yet, life is moving. We have no choice but to move with it.

When Ethan is released from the hospital, his only request is to spend time with Tris and me. We agree, of course. He seems to be coping well, emotionally speaking, after everything that happened.

Tris is curled up on the couch. "Christina has been acting really distant again," she says suddenly. "Do you think something happened with her and Matthew?"

I've noticed her strange behavior, too. I remember how small she seemed, how afraid she looked at the reception. "I don't know."

"Did Matthew hit her again?" Ethan asks innocently, as he walks by with a book, heading toward Annie, on the other side of the room.

I don't understand exactly what he just said until Tris says loudly, _"Ethan Johnson, get back here right now." _

He stops and turns, sulking back over to us like he's in trouble. "It's okay, Trissy. She was okay."

"Ethan, what are you talking about? When did Matthew hit Christina?" I demand, my throat closing, because suddenly, it makes sense.

"Last week," he frowns. "In the hallway."

And then, Tris is on her feet and across the hall with me on her heels. There's screaming coming from Christina's apartment.

I throw the door open just in time to see Matthew swing his fist and connect with Christina's jaw. Her scream chokes off with a cracking noise that rings in my ears as I respond instinctively. I seize Matthew and slam him into the wall, my knuckles pounding into him immediately, my anger surging with each blow of my fist.

I can hear Tris and Christina sobbing and screaming, but that has nothing to do with what I'm doing to Matthew.

He's almost too shocked to fight back. His face is bloody and his eyes are listless when at last, I throw him to the floor, his skull hitting it with a deafening thud. I kneel over him and make sure he can see me through his slitted and blank eyes. "If you ever hit your wife again," I seethe, "I swear to God I will kill you."

...

**(Tris)**

I cling to Christina and cry and ask her why she never told me and how long has this been going on and_ God, how could I have not known?_

And she just sobs into my shoulder while Tobias beats Matthew senseless and everyone is screaming. So much screaming.

And then... and then.

"Beatrice?" I hear a soft voice. _No. This can't be real._

I look to the doorway. Ethan is standing there.

And so is my mother.

The world tilts.


	39. Chapter 39

**(Tris)**

My mother has tears dripping down her cheeks as she kneels beside me and wraps her arms around me. _My mother._

"Honey, I missed you so much," she says. "I didn't know when it would be safe to find you."

"This isn't real. You're dead," I say, but I truly know that I'm not in a simulation.

"No, sweetheart. I'll explain everything. Where is Caleb?" I don't realize that I'm crying until she's brushing away my tears.

"Mom," I sob, and she pulls me into her arms again, and I'm home.

...

It's quiet, save for the sound of Tobias's low voice reading to Ethan in the living room.

Caleb and I are sitting on my bed, and our mother is kneeling so she's looking up at us - not down.

My brother reacted much the way I did, and I can tell he's still in the same shock that I am.

"Mom-" he begins.

"Sweetheart, I'll explain everything. I just want to look for a second," she says. She looks at each of us for a long time, and then she smiles and takes our hands.

"Immediately following the attack on Abnegation," she starts, "The Dauntless soldiers were in a state of panic at what they had done. The Abnegation, meanwhile, were tending to the wounded. That included me. With the few that had medical knowledge, they managed to save my life, as well as many others'. I was in a coma for quite awhile. After the war was over, as I understand it, you were both in the Bureau of Genetic Welfare. During that time, the government of the United States came into the city on inspection. They found the wounded that were in the Erudite hospitals, and in the makeshift Abnegation one. I was transferred to a hospital in a city called Boston. When I awoke just three weeks ago, your father was there, too."

My heart jumps.

"Dad is alive?" Caleb asks in awe.

She smiles and brushes tears out of her eyes.

"Your father was also in a coma. I sent messages to Chicago, trying to determine if David was still alive. When I couldn't get a response, I decided I didn't care - that you mattered more to me than my safety in travel. But I couldn't leave your father. I was at his bedside every moment, waiting for him to wake up. Two days ago, finally," she pauses to sob with joy, "He did. He wanted me to bring you two back. The doctors re-examined him, and he needs surgery for a heart condition that was triggered during the war."

"When can we go?" I hear myself asking.

"Tomorrow morning. Kids, it's... an extremely risky surgery. There's a chance he won't pull through. But he wants you there."

Oh. Oh no.

I can't lose anyone else, not my parents, not when I just got them back.

When I fall into a fitful sleep, cut short by the death of my baby replayed in my dreams, my mother and Tobias are both there. She asks him to step out, and I nod my permission to him.

I tell her about her granddaughter.

"Oh, baby," she says, pulling me into her arms while I cry. "She's safe. Safe in the arms of God," she murmurs.

...

"I love you."

"I love you too. I love you so much," I say, wrapping my arms around Tobias at the airport.

It was a hard decision, and I'm not sure I'll be able to hold it together as long as we're gone - which, right now, is an indefinite amount of time.

But we decided that it would be best on all counts for him to stay here and keep everything grounded.

He kisses my hair, my forehead, my lips. "I'll see you soon."

I nod and hug him for a long time. He kisses me once more before I have to board the plane with Caleb and my mother.

Caleb was hard-pressed to leave Cara, but her doctor said that the stress of travel could cause her to go into labor before we get back. So we are leaving our families in order to be with our family. For now, we can't have both. And it's just hard.

The plane lands in Boston two hours later.

...

My father's eyes are shut when we walk in, his eyelids a gray color. He is thin and sallow.

His eyes open when he hears us, and then he smiles.

I hug him first, and I get that same feeling. _I'm home._

Like my mother, he just wants to look at us for awhile. And then he asks, "What are your lives like? What is the city like?"

"The city is getting a lot better. They reformed the faction system, and everything is starting to get really good," Caleb smiles. "I got married. We're having a baby girl in about a month."

My father brightens. "I'm going to be a grandpa," he laughs.

I smile, but I fear I'll start crying again, so I squeeze my father's hand before stepping out.

...

**(Tobias)**

Cara is staying in our guest room until Tris and Caleb return, so I help her get settled before we need to address the bigger problem: Matthew.

We didn't take him to a hospital. We are not that humane. In fact, he's been locked in his bedroom for twenty four hours. He's being executed today.

Christina, Uriah, Zeke, Shauna, Amar, George, Tori, Cara, and I gather together before driving him out to an isolated spot.

"Would you like to stand or kneel?" I ask quietly.

"You're all going to burn in hell," he spits, and I shove him to his knees.

Christina raises her gun.

...

**(Christina)**

I keep the gun trained on Matthew. My eye contact doesn't shake. My hands don't shake. My voice doesn't shake.

"This morning, you said I was a bitch," I begin. "And yet, everyone else says they love my personality." He stares at me. "Maybe I was a bitch because you beat me black and blue to the bones with your fists and your words. And I never said anything. But people can only take so much. Sometimes, eventually, you burst in ways you never knew you could." My eyes burn with tears.

I pull the trigger.

...

**(Uriah)**

Christina crosses her arms. Silence hangs over us, and I lay a hand on her shoulder.

"Chris-"

"It was easier than you think," her voice cracks, and she runs back to the car. Cara follows her.

"Alright," Tobias sighs. "Let's take care of this."

He and Zeke hoist Matthew's limp body into the body bag that Tori and I hold open.

I don't watch when George and Amar start the fire.

I am glad to see him dead. Fucking bastard.

My heart breaks for what Christina had to go through.

I hate myself for not figuring it out.

Christina will be staying in my apartment for a few days, until she can take over the guestroom in Tris and Tobias's apartment.

There has been an unbelievable amount of death in the last three days.

We drive away, smoke rising against the setting sun.


	40. Chapter 40

**(Tobias)**

I awake to find Cara crying in the living room.

"Hey, hey," I say. "What's going on?"

"Nothing," she wipes her eyes. "I just miss Caleb. Hormones."

I smile sympathetically and nod. "They'll be back soon. Listen, is there anything in particular that you want for breakfast?"

"Waffles?" She suggests.

"Waffles, coming right up." If she has to be without her husband this late in her pregnancy, I want to at least make it easier.

Shauna comes over with her newest pair of legs - the ones that are less cumbersome and allow for independence and flexibility - to keep Cara company and to stay with her, just in case. Caleb insisted that she be with someone at all times.

On my way out the door, Evelyn calls me down the hall. I walk over to her.

"Tobias," she holds her door open. "I want you to meet someone."

I peer into her living room and see a man of about forty years old standing there. Always suspicious, I feel very aware of my gun against my leg as I step inside.

"I'm Aaron," the man says kindly.

"Tobias Eaton," I reply warily, and accept his handshake.

"Aaron and I have been seeing each other recently," Evelyn days with a nervous smile. They each wrap an arm around the other.

Well.

I certainly wasn't expecting that.

"Have you told Ethan?" is the only thing I say.

"For now, as far as Ethan knows, Aaron is a friend."

I observe the man. He's my height, about my strength. Those things, along with his dark clothing, lead me to conclude that he's Dauntless. He has no visible tattoos or piercings, but I see a scar just below his collarbone.

"How'd you get the scar?" I ask.

Evelyn looks horrified, but Aaron just pulls the collar of his black T-shirt lower, revealing the full length of the scar.

"Bit of an altercation with one of the traitor Dauntless last year. Big group of us loyals were trying to get into Erudite and stop Jeanine. This guy pulls a knife, and I have to turn it on him," he sighs on the last sentence, like he didn't really want to kill the guy, but he just had to go and make him, so there it is.

I nod, and decide that I don't immediately dislike him.

...

**(Tris) **

There are complications regarding my father's surgery, his physical state of weakness making it even riskier. The doctors, however, tell us that they're backed into a corner at this point. They have to proceed with the surgery regardless.

It occurs to me that my father is dying.

Just before they take him to the operating room, I have a moment alone with him.

"You'll be fine, okay? I love you so much," I say.

"Sweetheart," he says on an exhale. His freezing hands grip mine. "You must be prepared for the worst. There's a greater chance I'll die than-"

"Stop it," I gasp. "Stop right now."

"Beatrice," his eyes fill with tears. "Your mother told me about the baby."

I sink to my knees beside the bed. "She did?"

He nods. Tears fall down his cheeks, and I start crying when I see that.

For the grandchild I couldn't give him. That I couldn't give my mother. The niece I couldn't give Ethan, the cousin I couldn't give Callie. The baby I couldn't give Tobias. The baby I'll never have. I would have rather lost the sun than never held her in my arms.

"I miss her so much," I cry. "I loved her. I loved her so much."

He hugs me tightly and wipes away my tears. "Oh honey, of course you did. Of course you did." His voice is thick with tears and sadness.

When they burst in to take him to surgery, he is still expecting to die.

I grip his hand, and they start to wheel him away. Just as his fingers slip from mine, he tells me, "I'll be holding her forever."

...

"This is hard," Caleb tells me simply, in the waiting area. "Life is really hard." His face is somber and serious.

"You can say that again," I glance over my shoulder at my mother, who is still as stone in a plastic chair. Her shirt is limp and wrinkled. She looks a little like she's died.

I recall a time, years ago, when we went through a scare like this with her. I was only around five years old, and I didn't know a lot about her condition, except that the doctors couldn't do much at all.

The night they told him that she would be dead within days, my father sat in the pitch-dark of our old, cracking house and played piano until the dawn came up orange and dripping behind him. _Scales_, Caleb whispered to me in the dark hallway as we listened. Scales and Mozart and Beethoven and anything he could think of, melodies made up out of thin air that no one, not even my father himself, could remember once morning finally broke.

The piano was kept at our home while the church in Abnegation was being repaired. I had only heard hymns played on it. I had no idea my father could use it to create such music.

I still have the image in my mind, my father's features glass-sharp with grief, back hunched and fingers flying over black and white keys.

When other volunteer projects took center, the piano still sat in our home. When my mother came home healthy, my father kept playing.

There were nights upon nights when I was a little girl, where I'd climb out of bed, woken by whatever heinous nightmare I'd been having. I'd creep down the hall, barefoot and half asleep, to sit by my father and listen to his music.

With the right song, my father could atone for whatever sins had been committed against his baby daughter by the world at large. I always thought, as I leaned against him and closed my eyes, that my father could set me free.

"Tris," I look up and realize that this isn't the first time Caleb has called my name.

"What?" I ask, defensive.

"I think you should go back to the hotel and get some sleep."

"What? No," I say, but my eyes are burning and heavy. I haven't slept more than a few hours in the last week.

"Don't be stubborn, Tris," my mother says. "We can see how tired you are. He won't be out of surgery for hours."

I'm about to protest again, but then she stands and walks over to us.

"Go," she says. "I love you. Sleep."

Before I can react either way, she's got her arms around me, squeezing tight. "Tris," she continues softly. "Say a prayer."

...

I'm not sleeping when my phone rings in the middle of the night, just lying in bed and thinking about my dad and my baby and Tobias and Christina, a freight train in my mind.

I launch myself across the mattress to answer it. "What?" I say immediately, voice panicky and demanding. "What? Tell me."

"Tris," my mother says softly. I don't think I've ever been more afraid. "It's all right."

_It's all right._

He's okay, she tells me calmly. He came through the surgery, critical but breathing. For now, there's nothing to do but let him rest. "I love you," she says before she hangs up, my hand pale knuckled around the phone, chin on my knee in the dark. "And whatever else happens, sweetheart - your father loves you, too."

I hang up. I sit silent in the corner of the mattress, like it's an island in the middle of the sea.

Finally, I pick my phone up again, calling Tobias this time, though it's well past midnight. He picks up on the fourth ring.

"Hello night owl," I can hear the smile and the sleep in his voice.

I smile too. "Did I wake you up?"

"You sure did. And I'm happy about it."

I laugh.

"How's your dad?"

"He pulled through surgery, so now he's in recovery. He's alive."

"Thank God." He pauses. "And how are you?" He asks softly.

I sigh. "I'm alive, too. I can't sleep." He knows what that means: the nightmares won't stop. "I'm sure you're having the best sleep of your life without my screams there to interrupt it," I joke.

I expect him to say something teasing, but instead he says, "It takes me hours just to fall asleep without you. And then I'm constantly waking up and freaking out when you're not there," he laughs.

I smile. "I miss you."

"I miss you too. So does Annie. Can dogs have depression? Because that's my best guess at this point."

I talk to Annie when Tobias puts the phone next to her ear. I hear her excited yips and I hear Tobias confirm to her that it's me.

I laugh until I cry.

**...**

**A/N: Please review! **


	41. Chapter 41

**(Tobias)**

I'm woken by loud panic in the hallway, and throw open my front door. I'm met by a swarm of people in white. I see my mother down the hall, tears streaking down her face.

_"What the hell is going on?"_ I yell, trying to get past the paramedics that are blocking my path to Evelyn. My stomach drops when I see Ethan on a gurney. Evelyn is sobbing and clinging to his hand, and Aaron is right behind her, the paramedics wheeling him in my direction.

"What the hell happened?" I repeat, terrified, stepping into line with them. Evelyn keeps crying, all the way to the parking lot. Ethan looks stiff and frozen, but his eyes are open, moving side to side listlessly. His lips are slightly parted. "Ethan," I say gruffly. "What happened to Ethan?"

"Only one person in the ambulance with him," a paramedic says, and Evelyn is inside, the ambulance wailing away, before I can take a breath.

I take the passenger seat in Aaron's car and demand an explanation as he starts driving. My whole body is shaking.

"He started seizing," Aaron says thickly, and I can see that he's distressed. "Just stiffened right up, started jolting. He's unresponsive," he sounds like he may cry. I think I might too.

"Damn it, damn it, _damn it_," I hit the front of my head to clear the fog.

It takes hours to get answers. I wrap my arms around my sobbing mother in the waiting room.

Finally, _finally,_ a doctor comes out to speak with us.

"As a result of Marcus Eaton's brutality - he reportedly slammed Ethan's head into the concrete several times - there was significant brain damage that we missed during his first examinations. What happened to Ethan is called an Early Posttraumatic Seizure. There's a 25% chance this could happen again, but for now, it's a waiting game. We need to keep him hospitalized to observe and ensure his safety," he explains.

"Can we see him?" Evelyn asks tearfully.

"Of course. One at a time."

...

"Hey, buddy," I smile as I step into Ethan's hospital room. The door clicks shut behind me.

"Look," he points at a bookshelf across the room. "They have so many books here."

"Oh yeah, check that out," I reply. I sit on the edge of his bed. "How are you feeling?"

"Okay," he says. "Mom said it was so scary, but I don't remember it."

"Well, you were very brave," I tell him. "It was all of us grownups that were scared." That makes him laugh.

"Even you?"

"Especially me."

He laughs again. "I didn't think you were scared of anything."

I smile. "Everyone has fears," I say. "Losing you is one of mine."

"Did Tris come back from Boston yet?"

I shake my head. "Not yet. I think she'll be back really soon though, and I know she'll want to see you."

"Can we call her?"

"I don't have my phone with me, but I'll bring it by later, okay?" I also want to give her a heads-up about the situation first.

He nods, and I notice the book on the bed.

I shift to sit closer to him, and then open the book and start reading. He curls up and listens, and even I become interested in the story.

We're getting pulled through hell lately, but sitting next to my little brother and reading words from a book he loves - this is at least one thing that feels right. And that will have to be enough for now.

...

**(Christina)**

The door is locked. I'm laying on my side, on Uriah's bed, with my knees pulled up.

Freedom is so close to happiness, I can hardly tell the difference.

I am happy.

But I am not.

I am guilty, I am fearful, I am disgusted by my actions. I hate Matthew. And I hate myself.

I said shooting him was easy, but it wasn't. It was so hard - so hard that I almost couldn't do it. I almost wanted to forgive him.

And God, how completely fucked up is that?

"Christina?" Uriah knocks on the door.

"Yes?" I respond.

There's silence on the other side of the door. And then, quietly, "Just checking on you."

I rub my eyes. "I'm okay."

"I'm making dinner," he informs me. I nod, even though he can't see me. I've spent most of the day staring at the ceiling.

"Alright."

Silence again. And then he starts to walk away.

I jump up and throw the door open. "Uriah?"

He turns around and looks at me, surprised.

"Do you think I'm an awful person... for what I did?" I ask.

He exhales, his expression softening. He guides me back into the bedroom and seats me on the mattress before sitting next to me.

"Christina," he says. "You're not a bad person. You're a terrific person, you're my favorite person, you-" he looks frustrated. "The only awful person in this situation was Matthew. You were the brave one. He was a coward."

I want to tell him that I'm not brave. Brave people don't murder others to get out of their problems. And hell, I used Matthew for comfort after Will. Grief sent me running into the arms of someone I didn't love. And then I manipulated his feelings and pretended to love him. Maybe I deserved everything.

My gaze plummets to the ground. "I killed him."

"Christina, he was a danger to you and everyone else. And he didn't deserve to live," he replies, anger at the edge of his tone. "He was a god damn sorry excuse for a human being and he belongs exactly where he is, burning in hell," he spits.

I bite my lip to keep from crying.

"Christina," he says quietly. "It's going to be okay. He can't hurt you anymore. I won't let anyone hurt you ever again."

He walks out without looking at me.

...

**(Tris)**

One week later, my father comes home twenty pounds lighter and considerably worse for wear.

My parents found a new home, closer to Caleb's but farther from mine. It's okay. It will always be okay, because they're here.

The day after we arrive, Ethan gets released on the conditions that he takes it slow and easy and goes in for weekly examinations to keep him on the right track. After that, things seem to calm down.

For the first time in a long time, we catch a break. For the first time in a long time, bad things stop happening.

My father gets stronger, and is immediately recruited as a supervisor and advisor of the city council. He's a good man. People know it.

Christina, after thoughtful consideration, decides to move into a different apartment in the same building, one that's on the first floor and closer to the hustle and bustle of the lobby. And closer to Uriah. I see the way he looks at her - with love, with respect, with immeasurable patience. I know what he wanted to tell me that evening on my birthday. I bite my tongue and wait to see how things will fall into place.

**...**

**A/N: Just wanted to let you all know that this story is nearing its finish! There are a few more chapters to come, along with a two part epilogue. The good news is yes, hell yes, I will be writing a sequel. There is so much more to come for the Emergence universe, and for Tris and Tobias's future. :) Please review!**


	42. Chapter 42

p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14.08px;"strong(Tobias)/strong/p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14.08px;"Twenty minutes after Tris leaves to visit Caleb and Cara, Natalie is standing at my door./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14.08px;""Hi Tobias," she smiles as I let her in. "Is Tris here?"/p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14.08px;""She's actually with Caleb right now," I reply./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14.08px;""Oh," she says. "I just wanted to check on her. But how are you feeling?" She asks gently./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14.08px;""You mean about... the baby?" I question, feeling the familiar sadness flood me./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14.08px;"She nods. "I've never told anyone this, but I'm going to tell you now." She sits on the couch and after a moment, I join her. "Before I had Caleb, I also had a miscarriage."/p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14.08px;"My eyebrows shoot up. "I'm sorry," is all I can say./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14.08px;""Don't apologize," she says kindly. "What I want to tell you is that it's always going to hurt. That's a fact. The pain won't go away. You'll just... make room for it. You need to remember that you and Tris need each other. She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, sheemis,/em but she is emnot,/em all at once. She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity."/p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14.08px;"I think about that, and it makes me sadder. "I hear her crying in the middle of the night and I think my heart will break," I say./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14.08px;""I'm so glad she has you," she smiles, and then, "It must be very difficult to be a man in grief. It must be so hard to be strong all the time," she shakes her head, and I want to tell her that I'm not strong, that I feel shattered. "I came here to check on Tris, but you lost your baby too. And I am so sorry."/p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14.08px;"I accept her hug. I feel better. Not okay. But better./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14.08px;".../p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14.08px;"The conversation I have with Evelyn the next day is different. She, like Natalie, can tell that the miscarriage is weighing on Tris and me now that there are no other tragedies to distract us. She, however, is not quite as compassionate./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14.08px;""At least you'll have time to mature a little more now. It would have been a huge responsibility for you. You don't need that right now, Tobias."/p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14.08px;"I shoot her a poisonous look, which she doesn't seem to notice. Tris just presses her lips together./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14.08px;""Obviously it wasn't meant to be," Evelyn continues. "If you're both going to keep moping, I advise you to just get pregnant again, since the lost pregnancy has devastated you so much."/p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14.08px;""We didn't just lose a pregnancy," I spit. "Our child died. We don't need advice. We need you to shut your mouth until we can see in color again."/p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14.08px;".../p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14.08px;"strong(Tris)/strong/p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14.08px;"I'm not sure when the pain will end. I'll never be the same, and I don't want to be. The things that have changed are the ways I deal with the pain./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14.08px;"Sometimes, this heartbreak is blood and crushed ribs and waking up in the middle of the night because I was choking on my own tears in my sleep. Sometimes it's simply standing in the middle of the supermarket, trying not to throw up on the floor, attempting to stop my teeth from chattering, and figuring out which loaf of bread I'm getting a better deal on at the same time./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14.08px;"But sometimes - a lot of times, lately - I don't feel sad, not at all. I feel inexplicably happy./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14.08px;"I feel happy when I'm drinking french vanilla coffee in the early morning, when the trees are waking up and the roses are brightest. I feel happy when the sun is shining through the window, as dust dances in the light to the songs that Ethan sings for us. I feel happy when we eat dinner with everyone we love, and the laughter and smiles linger long after we have said goodnight./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14.08px;"I am sad because she isn't with me./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14.08px;"I am happy because she's okay. And we'll be okay, too./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14.08px;".../p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14.08px;"Last night, we arrived at our cottage in Niagara Falls. The garden blossomed while we were gone, and I walk through the endless flowers, stones, and woods of our place. It seems more beautiful than it's ever been, but in reality, it hasn't changed a bit, and I think that's why. There's something amazing about returning to a place that greets you like you never left./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14.08px;""Tris," Tobias calls, and I see him walking towards me. "Let's take the boat out."/p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14.08px;"This is the first time we've ever taken the rowboat out on our lake, and I'm immediately excited./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14.08px;"We have about the same amount of success as the first time we were in this boat, and we spin in circles a few times before we get the hang of it./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14.08px;"Cool breezes blow my hair back. Tiny fish swim in the ripples that form around us, and birds sing and swoop above us. The boat slows at the small waterfalls, and I feel happy and peaceful and in love, closing my eyes and breathing deeply to capture the moment in my mind forever. I will never forget it./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14.08px;"When I open my eyes, there he is. And in his hands: a ring. A refined, rose gold ring in a tiny, cushioned box. I forget how to breathe./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14.08px;""Everything about you is beautiful," he says gently. "You're an unbelievably strong person with more bravery and grace than I know how to describe. I love you more than I've ever loved anything. And I'm sorry it's taken me such a long time to ask you this, but... will you marry me?"/p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14.08px;"My heart races, and I smile. "Yes. Of course yes," I say with a grin that's still growing./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14.08px;"strong.../strong/p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14.08px;"strongA/N: And there it is! Please review! :) (One more chapter and a two part epilogue left. And then the sequel!)/strong/p 


	43. Chapter 43

**(Tris)**

Callie Natalie Prior is born the week before we get married, healthy and crying and just beautiful. She has her mother's blonde hair and her father's green eyes.

Cara is my bridesmaid - along with Christina, Shauna, and Tori - and my tiny niece is playing flower girl from her mama's arms.

We're in Amity, the center area and fields dressed with tiny lights and white flowers and soft pinks. Christina planned the entire wedding, practically, and I think it's perfect.

Ethan wanders in while my mother is buttoning the back of my dress.

"This is from Tobias," he says, handing me a slip of paper.

I smile before I even open it.

_I can't wait to kiss you._

_I love you,_ I write beneath it, and send Ethan back. And then, five minutes later, _I love you._

...

"Nervous?" My dad smiles, just before we walk down the aisle.

"No. Happy," I answer, and we start walking.

Normally, I would be troubled by all the attention directed at me, but right now, I only have eyes for Tobias. Everything else fades away.

...

**(Tobias)**

I see her as the thin curtains pull back, her frame slipping out from behind them. My whole body goes rigid, my hands fisting at my sides as I still myself with a sharp intake of breath. The afternoon sun envelopes her in its golden embrace.

As she begins her agonizingly slow walk towards me, I become breathless. Her hair is perfect, styled in a fashionable yet careless way, mimicking the personality I've fallen in love with. I take her face in next, the subtle but striking makeup accentuating those eyes of hers; the ones that see past the cold demeanor I show the world. The one who loves me when she has every reason not to.

I feel my eyes prickling with tears as I watch her, my body violently stiff with the effort of controlling the emotions locking my jaw.

My dress rakes over the dress, the rose colored heels. My chest and throat threaten to close in an iron vise. Millions of thoughts flash through my mind as I begin to lose my soldier's composure.

_She's so beautiful. I'm the luckiest man alive,_ is quickly followed by, _I don't deserve her. She deserves someone better, someone less tainted than me._

But when she's steps away from me, when her father raises her veil and kisses her forehead, my nerves dissipate, leaving only joy and adoration in their vacancy.

I watch a smile light up her face, and I grin back. Together, we turn to the man who will marry us. He smiles fondly at both of us as he begins the introductions, pausing only when the time for vows comes. Tris goes first.

She looks nervous, and I brush my fingers against hers when she looks at all the people staring at us. Her gaze flits back to mine, and I whisper, "Just look at me." She smiles and laces her fingers with mine.

She begins with the story of our romance, then recalls stories of danger, adventure, and close calls. She tells me what I mean to her, and that she can't imagine a life without me. And she tells me that she loves me, over and over: _"I'm so in love with you,"_ she finishes.

My heart pounds as she leans forward, carefully slipping a silver band over my fourth finger.

The crowd is just as captivated by her as I am.

I clear my throat, and she takes my hands again.

"Tris," I say nervously. "There are so many things I want to tell you, but I can't, because we'd be dead before I finished. But I did compile an abbreviated list. First, I love you. All my life and love are yours. And I never thought I'd fall in love. I always felt that, when you live a life with so many issues, you're not given that option. But then you came flying off of that rooftop, and I knew I was wrong. The moment I looked into your eyes, I knew I was wrong. Before that, I was just living my life like I knew everything, and then this bright light hit me and woke me up. That light was you. I was closed off, with a million walls up, and you were the one who brought those walls down. And now I have the absolute pleasure of being your husband. Over time, you've shown me that I am worthy of being loved. And today, I vow to always deserve not just anyone's love, but to always deserve your love. And I will always give you the love you deserve. And if a day ever comes where I fail in my duty to you, I want you to know that, no matter what, I will always love you, even if you have to leave me for your own good. I will always love you."

I don't look away from her in the moments that follow, but I hear Zeke politely stifling his sobs and sniffles as the man asks me if I'll take her to be my wife.

My eyes focus only on hers. My face twists with the emotions that are finally spilling out of me.

"I do."

...

**(Tris)**

"Do you, Beatrice Prior, take Tobias Eaton to be your husband, to love and to cherish, to protect and to keep, as long as you both shall live?"

"I do," I say softly, with a smile.

"Tobias," he says. "You may kiss your bride."

And he does.

**...**

**A/N: And that's the end! :) Next up will be the epilogue, which will come in two parts and catapult the story into the sequel. Thank you so much for your continued love and support. I can't wait to continue writing for all of you. Please review!**


	44. Epilogue (Part 1)

**Three Months Later**

**(Tobias)**

"Are those pretty?" Tris asks Callie. The baby stares in wide eyed wonder at the sunflowers before her. "Pretty flowers," Tris tells her. "Almost as pretty as you," she kisses the baby's head and walks further into Amity, past the gathering place where we were married in the summer, toward the fields of soft, mowed grass.

Caleb lays out a blanket, and Tris lays Callie down. I pull her to my side once she straightens.

It's been a year since I kissed her in frigid air, since she erased the memories of the corrupt Bureau staff, since we were confused and unsure and small and lost.

Now, we're enjoying the last of this season before the snow comes. But I have other things on my mind besides Fall sweaters and pumpkins.

I watch as Zeke chases Shauna, and I know how thankful he is that she _can_ run away from him, even if it is a slow going process. Caleb and Cara, with their Erudite minds, are working on a serum that would reverse the effects of paralysis, so that she someday won't need the help of artificial legs.

Uriah picks a tulip and gives it to Christina. They both smile, but are quickly pulled into the game of tag, along with Caleb, Tris and I. Cara sits next to her baby and calls out things like, "Zeke, touching her shirt doesn't count!"

After awhile, I pull Tris away, both of us panting. We stand beneath a tree and she drapes her arms over my shoulders and smiles at me.

"This is a lot more fun than what we were doing last year," she says.

"Picking flowers and playing tag is not Dauntless," I joke, and she presses her lips to mine. "I'd rather pick flowers," I decide with a smile, and she laughs.

"That's not a very Dauntless thing to say, Four."

"That's okay. I'd rather keep you safe and say Amity things than have you in danger and say Dauntless things."

She smiles again, and looks at the leaves above us. "This is good, you know. Things are really good. Better than good."

I nudge her closer to the trunk of the tree, my thumbs skimming her collarbone.

"Tris," I breathe. If I don't say it now, I never will. "Do you think you'd ever like to try again?" The words leave my lips almost without my consent. My pulse races.

Her eyes meet mine. "You want to have a baby?" I see fear in her eyes, hear it in her voice.

"I do," I say quietly, because it's true. "And I know it's scary, but-"

She frowns. "We can't be scared anymore," she says. "We can't do it this way. We can't be scared of joy just because sadness is a possibility. We can't be afraid."

It's quiet for a moment, and then I whisper cautiously, "Is that a yes?"

She smiles. "Yes."

...

**(Tris)**

**(4 weeks)**

"I missed my period," I tell Tobias excitedly. He laughs. "I'm going to take a test."

Five agonizingly slow minutes later, the test is negative. I feel sad, and Tobias assures me that we'll keep trying, and it will happen.

**(6 weeks)**

I wake up nauseous. I run to the bathroom and start heaving, and Tobias hovers over me protectively.

When it happens again two days later, I let myself get excited.

**(7 weeks)**

Pregnant. I smile and wipe away tears as I stare at the plus sign.

"Hi," I whisper to my baby. "I love you."

I leave the bathroom and step to Tobias's side, where he's observing the city from the floor to ceiling window in our living room.

"So," I say, revealing the test. "I'm pretty sure this is negative, but you know, maybe there's an extra line there that I'm not-" I scream then, as he sweeps me up and spins me around. He sets me down and kisses me, but he can't stop smiling long enough to do it properly.

**(8 weeks)**

I gasp in terror, sitting straight up in bed, sweat dripping, heart racing. Tears race down my cheeks, but I'm too shocked to wipe them away. My nightmares had started to come less often, but now there are more worries, more risks, more things to be afraid of. I dream of the baby I lost. And I dream of the baby I could love.

I feel movement to my right, and then Tobias's arms are around my waist. I flinch away from his touch but then lean into him and cling to his arms. I close my eyes.

He doesn't need to ask. He knows. All I can do is breathe in the security of his embrace.

...

My heart is pounding. Tobias and I wait for Dr. Foley in a small room, and it's all so familiar, and it's all so sad. I love this baby that we're having, but it's unfair. It's unfair that the child we lost will never be with us. And yet, I could never give up this new baby. Life is strange, and rarely makes sense.

Tobias takes my hands and places gentle kisses along the back of it, drawing me out of my thoughts. A knock comes at the door, and Dr. Foley enters.

She smiles, shakes our hands, and sits at a computer to enter our information.

"So you know the drill," she smiles at me. "How far along are you?"

I think for a moment. "Ten weeks?" I guess. "I took a pregnancy test about four weeks ago, and it told me I wasn't pregnant, but I'm thinking that must have been a false negative. I didn't get my period last month or this month," I add.

She nods. "Alright," she says kindly. "Let's get started."

She washes her hands, puts on latex gloves, and examines me before beginning the ultrasound.

At first she looks confused. And then, when she sees my expression, she smiles. "It's okay. You're just not measuring as far as you think you are. I'd say you're closer to eight weeks. But there's the little bean right there," she turns the screen to reveal a tiny figure.

Warm tears spill when I see it.

Tobias wraps me in his arms, kisses my cheek, and mumbles, "I love you."

Except, then Dr. Foley looks even more confused. She presses the transducer harder down on my stomach. She applies more gel, runs it over my skin.

I become terrified again. Why isn't she saying anything?

Another minute passes, and then she looks at us seriously. "I'm afraid I have some bad news."

My body freezes and I can't breathe. I keep my eyes glued to the screen while Tobias speaks up.

"What is it?" He asks gravelly.

She takes a deep breath. "At eight weeks it's hard to tell much of anything, since your baby still has a lot of growing to do. We have patients who come in and have everything go as planned, and some who are a little different, which is okay, since every baby develops differently. Well, with you guys, it looks like I wasn't able to find a heartbeat."

I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. My teeth dig into my bottom lip, and tears pour down my cheeks.

"We'll schedule another appointment within a week so we can try this again. This has happened to many patients in the past," she continues, but I don't want to hear it. My mind becomes invaded with the thought of actually losing this baby. I feel numb.

(9 weeks)

We haven't told anyone that I'm pregnant because we're both afraid. We can't even sleep at night. Our next ultrasound is tomorrow, and I don't want to think about what it could tell us.

I want to hear good news: that the baby is healthy and growing and right on track.

The day goes by slowly.

...

My parents have been on vacation for a few days, and I don't want to bother them, but I need to talk to someone. I call my mom, and she picks up on the second ring.

"Tris? Oh, honey, I miss you so much!" As soon as I hear her voice, I start bawling. "Baby, what's wrong?" She asks, concerned.

I don't know what to say. _Hey mom, I'm pregnant and my baby might be sick or dead inside me and I don't know what to do and please come home right now because I'm scared out of my mind._

I couldn't do that to her. She's gone through so much and needs a break. I wipe my tears, and she repeats her question. I decide to be honest.

"Mom, I'm pregnant," I say. "The doctor couldn't find a heartbeat." My voice is shaky.

Her voice becomes hushed and calm. "How far along are you?"

"Nine weeks now," I reply.

"Oh honey, don't cry. It's okay. That happens sometimes when women are pregnant. When you're in your first trimester, the baby isn't developed much yet. The doctor will tell you everything you need to know. Baby, don't cry. It's okay, I promise."

I wipe my nose. "Are you sure?"

"Of course. Please don't worry. When you go back to the doctor, I want you to ask them these questions. I love you. I'll be back in a couple days and everything will be fine. I'll let you surprise your father," I hear the smile in her voice. This is something I can do for them. For everyone. A new baby. If only my body would work right.

I smile slightly. "I love you too, mom."

...

I'm back in that room, where I sat less than a week ago, waiting for my doctor. Dr. Foley is nice and wonderful and smart, but the information she could give me makes me dread her arrival.

The door opens a moment later, and she enters with a soft smile. "Nice to see you again. So this is a follow-up appointment, correct?"

All I can do is nod.

"Okay, looks like we'll have to do a trans-vaginal ultrasound this time, to make it easier to hear the heartbeat. Sound good?"

I nod again, and follow her instructions. She takes a probe covered in a protective sheath and applies a small amount of gel at the end of it. She asks for my permission to begin. I stay focused on the screen.

The cool gel enters me, and I watch as she gets the sound waves to bounce off of my internal organs. I notice movements on the monitor, and then she stops at a particular spot.

"Good news," she smiles. "We have the baby's heartbeat right over here."

As soon as she speaks, my eyes well up in tears. Tobias's lips curve into a wide grin.

**(12 weeks)**

My father's birthday seems the perfect time to reveal our pregnancy. As everyone gathers around us, I tell him that his gift will be placed in his arms this summer. He cries when he hears that.

Everyone else cheers and hugs us.

**(17 weeks)**

I wake up gasping and sobbing. Marcus Eaton features in all of my nightmares, and my mind replays the instant he killed my child. I will never forget the moment her heart stopped and mine kept beating.

**(18 weeks)**

Everything has gone beautifully so far. Perfectly. At every appointment, Dr. Foley tells us that little bean is growing just right. Everything still makes me queasy. I love that everything makes me queasy. I'm cutting fruit, humming and smiling, when it happens. The swishing. The butterflies in my stomach. The baby is moving. In that moment, the bond, the love, everything is heightened.

I run to Tobias, and our baby keeps moving just long enough for him to feel it and fall deeply in love.

**(20 weeks) **

Today, we find out the gender of our baby. I'm excited, yes, but I'm mostly grateful. We didn't get this far with our first baby, and I'm feeling peaceful and happy.

As Dr. Foley moves the transducer around, she asks, "Would you like to know the sex?"

In unison, with big smiles, Tobias and I say, "Yes."

"Okay," she smiles. "It's a boy!"

I smile widely. Tobias kisses me, and I'm happier than I've ever been or knew I could be.

**(27 weeks)**

Baby boy's nursery is almost complete - we just need to paint his walls and add a few decorations. He moves constantly and enthusiastically. I think he's just as excited to meet us as we are to meet him.

"So, want to talk about names?" Tobias suggests as we sit on the nursery floor to fold baby clothes.

"Yes," I say immediately. "I was hoping that we could make his middle name Jacob... that's my dad's middle name," I add nervously.

Tobias smiles. "Absolutely. Any ideas for first names?"

"Not really," I think for a moment. "What about you?"

"I kind of like Daxton," he says casually.

I immediately shoot it down. "That's not even a name."

He doesn't push it, and we move on, putting a few more names on the table; Carter, Henry, Austin, James, Colton.

But over the next few weeks, his first suggestion begins to grow on me, until I'm convinced our baby can have no other name.

And Daxton Jacob Eaton it is.

**(35 weeks)**

Tobias massages my back at night. Our boy keeps me awake and makes my body ache, and yet I have more love for him than I know what to do with.

Everything is ready for him. We're ready for him, but then again, we have been for a long time. All I want is to hold him in my arms.

**(39 weeks)**

I'm standing in the living room when my water breaks.

"Tobias," I gasp, and he looks at me, alarmed. "The baby is coming."


	45. Epilogue (Part 2)

**(Tris)**

I'm assigned to room 10. My fingers tremble where they're loosely intertwined with Tobias's, and when I turn to look back at him before I step into the room, I see big, teary eyes and little boy anticipation. I lean in to hug him and whisper, "I'm so happy." And I am. I start to cry when I pull away from him, a little bit because I'm in pain, but mostly because I can't believe how close we are to one of the happiest moments of our lives. It seems so real, and yet, I have dreamed of this moment for so long, it seems a bit like a dream as well. It all just hits me...we've waited for this. Wanting a child. Losing a pregnancy. Getting pregnant. The horrible night I thought it was all ending and the trip to the E.R. where we saw that little heartbeat. Waiting and preparing and finally, these last weeks, having everything just...perfect. I step into the room and see the warming bed and then I have to stop again, because I am hit with the realization that this is the bed my baby will be lying in. Tobias gently leads me forward and when I climb into the bed, I shake and cry and this time, it has nothing to do with the pain.

...

In the middle of a particularly bad contraction, Tobias walks in with popsicles and a tiny bracelet that has, "Eaton, Baby" written on it. I stare at the handwritten name while I writhe in pain.

...

"What is that?" I eye the liquid in the nurse's hand. "A stadol-peace serum combination. It will take a lot of the pain away." I brush my hair to the side, and as she pushes the needle into my neck, I ask, "Will I feel this right away?" "Yes." "But I don't..." And then I smile and melt. Tobias walks back in with water bottles and I feel very, very in love with him. "How are you doing?" He asks, kissing me quickly and then retreating to pass out the water. I frown and pull him back for a proper kiss. He obliges, but only for a second longer. "Tris," he mumbles into my ear, and I laugh at the goosebumps that rise over my skin when he does it. "Tris Eaton," I correct him. "Beatrice Eaton." Tobias pulls away and studies my face and I laugh at him too. "Hell no," he says before standing and turning to the nurse. "Did you give her peace serum?!" He yells. The baby stirs inside of me. I lay an arm over my stomach to protect him from the loud noises. "Shh!" I hiss.

...

As soon as the peace serum wears off I start crying hard, pushing Tobias and my mom and the nurses away, and twisting in my bed, clawing at the walls with them reaching up my throat. One of the nurses mentions that my cervix is very "upturned" and that's why it hurts so badly. "Whatever, bitch," I say, and my mother looks horrified. I can't bring myself to care.

...

When the pain subsides, I have to lie on my left side because, "he doesn't like it when you lie on your right." And I smile up at Tobias when they say that. Talking about him like he's already here, with a personality, with likes and dislikes. I love that he doesn't like my right side.

...

I tell Tobias that I want Hana back after she has to leave because her shift ends. Eleven and a half hours later, when I'm eight centimeters dilated, she returns, and he says, "Hana's back. You'll have her now." Hana comes in ten minutes later and tells me that I'm at ten centimeters. And I grip Tobias's hand as they tell me to push. I smile and fear and excitement and joy jump into my heart, and I push. And right before he comes out, Dr. Foley says to everyone - I'll never forget - "Don't take the baby. She wants to hold him." Because I made it clear a few days prior that I wanted him straight in my arms, as long as he was breathing, and I didn't want anyone taking him away from me. And he comes out. Perfect and crying and held high. I sob with joy, and Tobias's face is so close to mine that I can feel the heat radiating from it as we pull him close. I forget that everyone else in the room exists. It is just the three of us, crying and smiling and laughing. "Happy birthday," I say. "I love you."

...

It's not even an hour before all of our friends and family come piling in. Everyone told me that I wouldn't want to give him up to anyone, but I'm completely fine - overjoyed, in fact - to see these people I love hold him and love him too. Christina sneaks in a bottle of champagne and just an hour after he's born, my legs still numb, everyone raises their paper cups high and says, "To Daxton Jacob Eaton."

...

When we finally go home the next day, Tobias and I step into the room that held so much sadness last year. Together, we lay him down in the bassinet. "Goodnight," I say, thinking that he's just too absolutely beautiful and perfect to be ours. "We love you."

**...**

**A/N: The end! The sequel will be here soon - head over to my page and follow Refulgence to read more! There is so much left for Tris, Tobias, and Daxton. THANK YOU for all of your support.**


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